To push DH to visiting in-laws at Xmas?

[Bridgertonned]

I know the usual consensus is to leave DHs family to DH etc, but just interested in objective views on this one.

DH and I have been together for nearly twenty years. From the start (early twenties) until covid hit, we spent every Xmas with his parents. They live some distance so we'd go and stay. I've always avoided my own family at xmas (parents both alcoholics, who have since passed) so it was lovely to me to have someone welcome me in at Xmas. No children of our own so we continued going, have taken turns occasionally hosting, or taking food to theirs (which they prefer)

Obviously during covid years we didn't go at Xmas and were extra cautious due to MIL having serious health issues.

My AIBU is that, since then, DH hasn't wanted to visit at all around Xmas. He doesn't see the point in Xmas, his sister's now have multiple loud children (no SEN, both sisters are loud and it's their parenting style/personality) DH struggles with that (he's quiet/introvert). DH will say that his parents don't want the hassle/won't care if we visit or not, and that he'll just see them in January. He is the type to not care about social conventions generally eg birthdays or Xmas parties (not just for others, for himself too) - he's not mean about them, he genuinely doesn't see things like that as important.

I agree that his parents probably find having visitors tiring, but at the same time I know his mum likes the opportunity to have family photos etc, and I'm also aware they might not have many Christmas' left. I feel a bit of a duty to visit his parents - they never questioned when I turned up year after year so I want to make the effort. I think us being there can mitigate some of the chaos (eg playing with the kids to distract them) I would of course do everything I can to reduce the pressure, eg MIL wont allow me to cook but I can turn up with pre prepped things etc.

Would I be unreasonable to push DH into making the effort and us both going to visit?

To pre empt also - we would host them here but they don't like staying away from home, nor will they consider going to a restaurant on Xmas day as they don't want to have to stick to a schedule. They'd be offended if we booked a hotel but I would keep the visit short (eg one overnight)

Thoughts?

I think you should have a think about what your motives are here. You’re talking about his DM liking family photos and them potentially not having many Christmases left, but you’re also talking about how lovely you’ve found it. Is this for them? Or him? Or you?

Then I’d talk to him and establish what his main issue is. If it’s that he hates the thought of being there because his sisters and their DC are just too loud for him, then you need to accept this and take a step back. Perhaps do a nice meal over the new year. If it’s just that he can’t be bothered, then I think you’d be fine reminding him that not everyone feels like that, and that it might well be important to his parents to see him.

Who the hell wants a Christmas surrounded by other people's feral dc? Don't inflict that shit on your dh...

Or alternatively PIL may prefer spreading out of a visit so they have some thing to look forward to in January.

I should have mentioned the last time he planned to visit in January he didn't actually arrange it until April!

@Nagado I'm not sure why you seem to think I'm a child. Twenty five years ago it was lovely to have someone parent me at Christmas. In my forties I prefer waking up in my own bed. I enjoy a Christmas at home, however I feel it's right to make an effort with elderly relatives who have shown us kindness.

@Santaiswashinghissleigh Christmas is the only time of year he'd see his nieces and nephews, they live the opposite end of the country. Are you suggesting he should never have to see them? Do you make the effort with any children in your family or are you always such a grump?
The children aren't feral, they're just kids. Youngest is 2, eldest is 10.

No law says he has to see them is there? Are you the Jolly Uncle Police?

I have enough of my own dc. And never grumpy at Christmas actually...

He wants Christmas at home. You’d like Christmas at home. Have Christmas at home!!!

So both his sisters and their kids, and presumably the BILs, will be with your in laws, they won’t be alone? And he’ll be seeing them in January?

I think you’re unreasonable to impose your sense of obligation on your DH. I’d find that many people plus loud kids overwhelming too. The in-laws will still have a nice day with their daughters and GCs, and DH can see his parents at a quieter time.

@FictionalCharacter
His sisters will both visit for a day with the children. Not sure about BILs, sometimes they're there together, sometimes not.

He says he'll see them in Jan, though year he didn't go until April.

Part of why I feel uncomfortable about it is it feels like we went when it was good for us - when we were skint, living in crappy rented housing, when we got lots of free food and drink - and now we don't need those things we've drifted away.

Thanks for giving a more reasoned viewpoint though.

How old are his parents? If they're mid 80s it's one answer, if late 60s then another.

@OldestSister one is early seventies, one is nearly eighty. Both currently in good health for their ages.

@Nagado sorry I missed the last part of your post. I do think that DH just can't be bothered and assumes other people (secretly) think like him, eg only doing stuff for Xmas because it's expected/habit.

He is good with his nieces and nephews but just isn't keen on kids generally which is fair enough.

Fwiw I wouldn't ever try and force him to go, it's more as you say, whether I should talk to him about thinking it from other points of view. I mentioned it in passing and he seemed surprised I thought we might go and brushed it off with 'ah they don't want us there I'll just go on my own in the new year' - I don't think he's thought about it in any depth.

I might just focus my efforts on making sure we do actually book a date in January if we don't go at Christmas, rather than letting it drift like last time

I think if your ILs have someone there with them over the Christmas period, that's fine. If it's too busy it might be too much for them anyway.

Does he actually enjoy going? Does he enjoy seeing the kids?

From your posts it sounds as if his DP have been lovely to you particularly at a date in the calendar which can be tricky. Would a quick phone call to them help sort out whether they would rather you all go at the same time so effectively you help dilute the impact of younger DC, or would they be more pleased to see you on a different date?

@socialdilemmawhattodo with DH being the only boy, he is of course the golden child and MIL will tell us to do whatever suits him because she knows he works so hard... (DH is first to admit he's got quite an easy life and that one his sisters has a much more stressful job as well as having 3 kids!)

@Diverpanda he has a good relationship with his parents and as far as I know he does enjoy going, he is naturally a bit lazy about going to any social events normally (again he would admit this) He does seem to enjoy himself with the kids and will get involved but I know he finds the noise a bit much. The children aren't badly behaved, they think he's great but that means they are excited to see him and want his attention, or for him to get involved in all their games, whereas he'd much rather sit quietly with his dad with a whisky (which I can fully appreciate!)

@Bridgertonned

@socialdilemmawhattodo with DH being the only boy, he is of course the golden child and MIL will tell us to do whatever suits him because she knows he works so hard... (DH is first to admit he's got quite an easy life and that one his sisters has a much more stressful job as well as having 3 kids!)

I get the "golden child" syndrome! My-exH, my brother and now my DS (being the golden GC but male, notice). I bet your DH works hard, but I bet you work harder? So perhaps a confirmed visit after New Year would work for all of you. Mid-Jan is pretty dire for everyone!

How about a walk on neutral ground? They can bring their dogs, you get some fresh air. Could your phobia cope with that @Bridgertonned ?

I'd think of it like this. If your mother wanted to see you after a traumatic time away, would you say no because you'd rather spend that time with your partner? If you'd be happy for your mum to be there then you should be equally as happy for your in laws to be there. Like you say, grin and bear it, just spend as much time away as possible, tell them you're going to be very busy but they're more than welcome sort of thing

He says he'll see them in Jan, though year he didn't go until April.

So why didn't you go and see them in Jan? They've been your inlaws for 20 years!

@Boobettes are you drunk?