Family seeing baby

[filano]

DH and I had our first baby a few months ago. It's also the first baby in our immediate families so everyone was/is understandably excited.

DH has a bit of a tricky relationship with his family, however. He has two younger siblings who still live at home. He's not that close to his siblings and has become less close to his parents as it's never possible to see them alone.

With that in mind, things are starting to become a bit awkward with the baby. His family seem to expect to see her every weekend at a minimum. Initially we went over to his parents' house or had everyone over to ours but it was a bit of a frenzy of her being passed around and DD would come away unsettled. We also just have to sit and watch - they don't seem to be able to interact with her in a way that involves us - when we'd like to enjoy the time with her too! More recently we tried inviting just his parents, explaining that DD needed a bit less stimulation at the moment, but his DM was in a foul mood with us the whole time and said we were excluding the others.

I would perhaps understand if the siblings were super young but they're late 20s/early 30s...Are we being unreasonable to pare back the visits a bit? At the moment it's unclear what DD or we get from the visits. Only thing is, if we don't make arrangements they just turn up instead, particularly mid-week when it's just me at home.

Not directly relevant, but as it sometimes comes up on MN - we see my family once a month or less, so no issues with favouritism.

Do what works for you. For me, it didn't bother me at all going to MILs once a week or once a fortnight, baby was passed around, everyone was lovely with her etc etc. It gave me a little break with a cup of tea and 5 mins breathing space. But everyone is different in this situation, with different family dynamics. It sounds like other issues causing you to feel that this is overstepping. If you had a great healthy relationship with them you might not feel this way.

I would not be seeing my in-laws every week (and I like mine!) and I certainly wouldn’t be seeing them if they were going to be like that.

I’d just stop visits altogether until they could behave appropriately.

His family seem to expect to see her every weekend at a minimum

They should not 'expect' anything of you. It's entirely up to you who sees your baby and when. It's absolutely fine if everyone's happy with it, but you're not, and they don't get to decide for you.

To be honest, your in-laws sound completely nuts. It's not remotely normal to 'expect' this level of contact and it's not normal to turn up uninvited midweek if they don't see the baby at the weekend. It's also not normal for your PILs to insist that their other adult children accompany them on all visits. The whole thing is suffocating and weird and I'd be telling them all to fuck off. Your DH already has a strained relationship with them, and I can see why.

It's so strange when people you aren't close to and barely see suddenly change when you have a baby. Your mother in law was very rude. Babies do get overstimulated and you were putting your daughter's needs before their wants.

Don't answer the door if they just turn up. They can text you with notice. Cut back on your visits to twice a month and don't be afraid to take your baby back or leave after a short time.

Thanks, all. Reassuring that it seems ok for us to scale things back if we want to.

Any ideas on how to do this without drama? When DH has tried to put in place boundaries over other issues in the past (e.g. his DM wanting more involvement in our wedding prep) his DM has become very emotional and the rest of his family have accused him of being ungrateful. There's a bit of a pattern of his DM getting very upset about things and people just giving in to what she wants to put an end to it.

@Bivarb It's so strange when people you aren't close to and barely see suddenly change when you have a baby.

This is exactly it, and why I feel so awkward. I'm finding it ends up being for me to navigate as I'm the one on mat leave. But I just don't feel like inviting her/them in or agreeing to go for a walk/coffee when we don't have that kind of relationship and I'm not at my best - short on sleep/personal time.

Worse for DH, though. Without getting too deep it's pretty hurtful that your family never make too much of an effort with you but are obsessed with your baby before she had even arrived.

My brother was exactly like this OP. We had little to no contact and all of a sudden I was useful when I had a baby. I was having none of it.

To keep the peace with my own family I didn't tell him not to call but I made sure that baby was asleep whenever my brother would call. After 2 attempts he stopped calling as it wasn't fun anymore when baby wasn't awake. He reverted to calling about 4 times a year which was what he did prior to baby's arrival which was fine with me.

If they turn up I would pretend I wasn't in... Are his siblings seriously that interested in your dc? No disrespect intended.. Remember they have no rights op. Any relationship they have is at your discretion and not at the expense of you and dh enjoying your own dc..