Getting so frustrated with DD and GCSE's/study - CBA attitude, WTF do I do?

[22FrustatedUser]

DD is ND (ASD, mostly affects her socially), has an EHCP, has a TA for approx 60% of her classes.

Because of that, she keeps to herself and friendships are a struggle so she doesn't go out at all. Not once been out with friends or a friend since she started high school. She has one or two online friends that she games with that she met in lockdown.

Has limited social media, is on WhatsApp but in no groups, on discord but limited to short amounts of time on there (20 min a day) and has never shown an interest in Snapchat/Insta/Tiktok (as not allowed to download these, blocked by software on phone). YouTube is the main one.

In Yr10 and just had parents evening last night and came away quite frustrated. I just don't know how to balance this, between being a natural consequences type thing, however if I do that she will fail all classes, and then being strict and having her follow a study timetable has us at logger heads.

During lockdown it identified for us she learns much better with videos that she re watch and take down her own notes. So if she doesn't understand she can watch again til she does. Online classes for her were much better. And her grades really improved - up to B's. I was furloughed for a long period though so was heavily managing this and having her do the all work set by teachers and having her do a small amount of revision. Worked a charm and it identified the best learning strategies for her. She was working independently by the end of Yr 7 with a bit of input.

We've attended all the parents evenings, study skills sessions provided by school to ensure I can support her in the best way possible. She's shown willing and enjoyed online extra revision classes, she'll join in (we're talking one class of 45mins a week currently, homework from it might be 20 mins worth), but won't do them.
"I'm meeting X at 2pm to game so I can't do it."
"What have you u done all morning then?"
"Dunno."

As she doesn't socialise outside of school at all, H was a bit more relaxed on her gaming/chatting to friends.

It was turning into I'm the arsehole parent and H was the fun parent as she could do anything she liked. He was giving her cash to buy games online, food, whatever she wanted "Whatever makes her happy." Any chores that were set for her, he'd do them.

This resulted into a massive argument at home with me having no support from H, he has got better at this.

Ironically in the mornings though, she catches the bus to school, she can get herself up and sorted for that on time with no issue. So there is some time management skills.

Her first lot of predicted grades are through and we're talking 2's and 3's.

She has a maths tutor who is excellent at building her confidence up and has suggested areas for her to practice during the week and provides exercises, no more than 10 mins a day. Doesn't do them.

Unless you stand over her, homework gets done to the absolute bare minimum, and she'll spend her time on YouTube watching shite meme videos or gameplay. If turned off, she just reads her fantasy novels.

I've had to have timers on her phone/laptop as she'd spend all night on there watching movies, researching things for her online games that she likes or whatever. We tried relaxing these to allow her self moderation but after 6 weeks she showed there was absolutely none and she was awake all hours and got in trouble at school for being on her phone.

Unless I sit with her each night and effectively tutor her in the other subjects she won't do it. She has the ability to self learn, but absolutely no desire too. Comes out with "I don't understand." or "I'm confused." - she just wants someone to write it out for her. I know this as we did all this before. She has the learning resources available.

We've done the college open days and she's found a course that's she's very interested in - fantastic! I thought this would give her the motivation. But once she went round reading the different lelvels. She automatically went to the Level 1 entry for those with nearly no education and gone "it's OK, I'll do that one." I nearly mentally imploded, but gave a nod and said she could just aim a little higher and get into the Level 3 as she absolutely do it, all her teachers have said so.

I don't know what the fuck to do, and I could honestly scream with frustration at her lack of effort, we're giving her all the support she needs but she CBA and would rather game/watch movies, she has zero motivation and it's making me resentful when I'm making sure our tight budget is even tighter to ensure she has the paid for additional resources and tutor(s) - about to engage a science one.

I know I can't make her mature and she is who she is, but given her immaturity and just wanting to stay in and game all the fecking time as her hobby and socialising it does make me worry for her future.

This has turned into a big vent/brain dump but I can't talk to anyone irl about it as friends kids are future nuclear scientists it would appear (only half joking at that)

What do I do? Can any other parents relate or give some advice?

Hi OP

Sorry to be asking a lot of questions, but they will help clarify that situation.

How did she do in primary? Most secondary schools have a system of target grades based to achievement levels at primary. What are her target grades?

You say she has predicted grades of 2's and 3's - are they from end of year 10 mocks?

In most schools if her end of year 10 mocks are a long way from her target grades they will offer extra sessions - lunchtimes, after school etc to help her do better.

CBA teens who want to game instead of doing their homework are ten a penny.

However not many of them will have an EHCP and a TA for the majority of the time. What is the TA for, and what strategies does her EHCP give?

You might think that the ASD mostly affects her socially, but it can also affect executive function - planning and working towards long term goals, the concept of time, scheduling and so on. You've seen that she can't do this for herself. Getting up in the morning and getting to school is a routine, so she can manage that. It's pretty much the same every day. It could be that you do actually need to stand over her and schedule her time in the evening - the idea that she's not doing it because she's lazy rather than it being an aspect of her autism might not be correct.

Ask away!

I'm grateful for any advice as I feel so alone on this currently.

Primary she did OK, was average student but needed interventions, however the class needed a lot of classroom management as there were a lot of failings for some children who just weren't in the appropriate setting.

Looking back, I should have removed her but I didn't.

She's only just started Yr10 now and this is predicted grades from a 'skills check' using the data from tests this year and the end of Yr 9.

She has a test today and in the last week I've been asking if she has been revising and asking to see the notes she's done.
Been refused as I'm nagging her and should just leave it.
Her father asked to see them, he saw 4 sentences, and thought that was enough.
Last night she was trying to cram and came and said she didn't understand. When asked what she was going all weekend, you get a shrug and "Dunno".

I had to bite my tongue!

Thanks @Noblegiraffe

The EHCP pointers are mostly social support, TA for subjects is to help with explaining some topics or writing out the notes in her book that she might not get down in time in class as she writes quite slowly.

Have to say it's not really been worth the paper it's been written on and they've struggled to recruit any staff.

I've stood over her and had her do a study planner, then we've said "Right, maths, off you go."

She goes up to her room declares it done but has been doing YouTube instead.

We have a PC downstairs and I guess I'm going to have to sit with her each evening to ensure it gets done.

I had hoped she would just crack on like she did a few years ago as I was hoping she'd be getting independent on that one but looks like no.

I think doing the work downstairs instead of in her room would be a good start. Delineating clearly where she is allowed to YouTube and game and where she isn't.

We've just ran the GCSE gauntlet and I've shared very similar worries as it feels like between year 11 and 12 is where children can fall through the cracks.

I think GCSEs come at the wrong time for many teenagers who just want to cocoon a bit. She's probably living very in the moment and doing what is comfy and reassuring.
However self esteem and a feeling of competency is not built by sitting in your room, it's built by getting out there and out of your comfort zone in a manageable, gentle way. Is there something you could do out if the home together? Something that gets her using her body if possible. Even a game of badminton or table tennis. Is she into music? Can you go to see some local bands? Go to the theatre. Just anything to keep stretching her comfort zone a little and showing her there's a whole exciting world out there.

If she is in year 10, there's a lot of time between now and her exams and a lot of opportunity to mature, to realise the necessity to do a bit of work and to work out what they want to do next. It probably feels quite big and scary to her at the moment.

Have you looked at what she needs for a level 3 course? In our area it's typically 5 passes with higher grades in chosen subjects for A levels, especially if maths and science based. We've experienced there's quite a bit of wiggle room as colleges recognise the impact from covid but other areas will be different.
What we have found was that level 1 and 2 courses though advertised don't always run. There were vocational subjects like film, media and music that won't be so strict on criteria too and often the tutors for those are excellent at building young people up and being more like mentors. Even a year doing something like that alongside maths and English resits if necessary should then see her able to progress on to A levels if that's what she wants to do.

Through helping my child do the little bit of revision they allowed, a grade 4 is achievable with a little knowledge and some exam skills. I'm afraid this is one area where I would teach to the test and at some point start introducing past papers, filling in gaps in knowledge as they come up. I would only focus on their best subjects/those that they need for the next step and accept that they won't necessarily pass all 9 if they don't need to.
You're in a stronger position than us in one sense as she will let you oversee her work.

As noble says, CBA teens who want to game rather than do their homework are common.

Techniques to help:

1 manage it with her. Like a much younger child. Check all the homework, do it with her. Give out rewards for homework done.
Take it in smaller time slots if necessary.

2 body doubling. Once you've got her working a bit, she can do most of it with you but step away for 5 min intervals to do your own work.

3 think to yourself which GCSEs are most important. This is usually English and maths as they have to be resat if not passed. Beyond that, if she needs eg 5 GCSEs to get on the course that she wants to do at level 2 work out which ones she is most likely to pass (a combination of us good at and is prepared to work at).

4 an average child at primary would have got a scaled score of about 100. If you are saying she needed interventions to get that, then realistically her attainment at that point was below average. Kids with that scaled score often track to gcse results of between 3 and 5 depending on how much they work.

I have been in this situation OP, I have a now adult son with ASD and getting him to revise was a similar battle. As it gets nearer to the GCSE exams they will do revision classes. My son attended these which was easier as he had a teacher there to help keep him on track. How many GCSEs is she taking. I would concentrate on the ones that are important, maths, English and the ones she will need to pass to do the college course. My son had no chance of passing French as he'd missed a year of it to attend a class to help with social skills, so instead of revising for that he spent more time revising on other subjects.

Also, I think your daughter doing the easier course at college first is fine. This is what my son did because the college thought it would be less stressful for him than the more advanced course as well as having to cope with the change from leaving school and going to a different environment. My son did the foundation course for a year which he found easy, and then once he was settled in to college he then went onto the advanced course for 2 years.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/secondary/4935482-gcse-online-revision-programmesmemberships

On-line programs may help.

It is hard DD1 wouldn't have help really- DN either - but DS harder to help in primary years asked for it and found working next to me helped a lot did really well. Past papers and work books helped a lot sitting down and finding gaps but getting them there can be hard.

DN did get grades needed for her preferred course at college and is doing well.
DD1 did okay at GCSE covid years and scrapped into uni course she wanted.

As PP said routines - library working/revision groups all might help - but if she can get English Language, maths and 3 others at 4/5 (it's still C here in wales )it will open many more doors for her later.

It is early in Y10 so time to try and sort things. I would leave the pressure off about what happens after GCSEs for a while. Most don't consider that until the beginning of Y11, and those are often fairly fluid plans with applications to several 6th forms/colleges.

You say you are giving her all the support she needs, but to me it sounds as though she really does need greater supervision with homework. I had one who found study difficult, and one who self-managed well, but both always liked support with learning for topic tests/end of unit tests - practice, learning vocab, checking work etc. At the very least I would insist on home work being done at a certain time, downstairs where you can easily be on hand, with no screen time until it's done.

You also say she finds writing difficult, and learns best by watching videos. Therefore expecting to see written study notes is possibly unreasonable (and this approach is rarely the best for revision anyway). Work to her strengths and try and find the best ways for her to revise (although I doubt many Y10s are doing much revision at this stage).

Now would be a good time to get her special adjustments sorted for exams though if you haven't already. She can get used to them before the real things then. Things like, extra time, use of a lap top, rest breaks, being able to be in a smaller room etc are all things that she might be eligible for.

I'd just say be careful.... My DD was similar but we ended up in burnout in middle of Y10 after mocks and she never attended school again. She sat some GCSE's at home with no revision and passed Maths and English. Got onto a creative based college course (said they needed 4 GCSE's but actually it's flexible) and is thriving.

I'm nd with 3 nd children and alot of nd family members some schooled in specialist settings others mainstream and even grammar school. I was one of the grammar school ones. One thing we've learnt (the hard way) is don't push them, the more you push, nag, beg and get cross or use sarcastic comments like well it's your future your ruining etc it is like your filling a pressure cooker. My mum "encouraged" me to become an account and pushed me hard (because I'm academic) to do well, I didn't want to be an accountant I wrote on my gcse maths exam forgot calculator can't be arsed. Other family members were pushed and actually left school before exams because of school refusal due to the pressure. We now take the pressure off at home, it is their choice to revise or not, they have full choice on what they want to be (even if we think it's ridiculous) and are praised and encouraged for whatever they achieve pass or fail etc given full responsibility and choice and those of us thrived and are still thriving. We don't cope with peer pressure very well it's exhausting, trust me inside most nd people are already fighting as hard as they can manage even if to the outside world we're gaming for hours on end and doing nothing, we carry all the struggles inside and in the end you burn out and totally shut down it can take months to recover from burn out unfortunately society is now too fast paced so many of us are trapped in an endless cycle

I have a Y11, also with ASD, and have been where you are last year. DS had a bit of a burn out after the end of Y10 mocks. I had adopted a very strict revision scheme in the weeks leading up to his mocks, standing over him and micromanaging all aspects of study, thinking that would suddenly interject some sort of achieving spirit in him. It absolutely did not.

In the end, he broke down and admitted I was putting too much pressure on him and he felt I didn't believe in him. So this year, I've taken a step back. Mocks are days away and I am doing nothing other than asking what he's revising or how it is going and letting him take the lead. We shall see. I think as parents of children with special needs, we constantly feel like we need to go above and beyond to DO SOMETHING to support our children. Sometimes they just need to get on with it and have the chips fall where they may.

If your child is only in Y10, there's still plenty of time to turn it around.

I agree with @TripleDaisySummer . Let her start the Level 1 course even if she could get onto Level 3. My similar child to yours is doing a Level 2 course and still finding it difficult to meet the demands of the course. They won't let me help them, never have, so we're just hoping for the best. It's really hard with GCSEs or any studying, the motivation has to come from them.

Completely agree