To ask how to teach empathy to dd

[Opinionsprettyplease]

Dd is 9, almost 10. I'm just out of her parent teacher meeting, and her teacher has repeated almost to the word what last year's teacher said; that she's academically excellent but lacks empathy for others. Can be harsh in dealing with them and as a consequence is often involved in arguments, especially with girls.
I can admit I've failed her in this. She's an only child but I make sure she has loads of activities and playdates to "offset" this. I'd sometimes notice her speaking harshly to her friends or talking down to them, and I rarely intervene. I always figured I'd let her see herself the consequences; they'll eventually get sick of being spoken to like that and move away from her. I figured this would work better than me telling her to "be nice".
I can see that this was wrong and hasn't worked. Her teacher said that during one chat with her, she admitted that she "doesn't know how" to be kinder, how to put herself in other people's shoes.
I hope it's not too late but I'm not sure what I can do. How do you teach empathy? I honestly feel that I model it. Do you just keep having chats about "how do you think x felt when you said that". Or any books I can get help from?
To be fair she has loads of friends but as her teacher pointed out they are coming to an age where the kids make groups and some can be left out if they're perceived as "mean".
Any help would really be appreciated🙏

My daughter who has ASD is like this. (Not spotted util high school). We talk about feelings a lot, and empathy, and the consequences of her speech, language abd behaviour. She's always struggled with friendships however. My other daughter who is very probably ASD and adhd is extremely empathetic however. Don't beat yourself up over your parenting. Hindsight is 20/20.

I think it's important for you (and her dad if he's in the picture) to talk about your own feelings. It might kind of help her to be more aware of the fact that other people have feelings!!!

Hmm.
Why do you encourage her to cry if you do not yourself? She may shut it down because it is not the done thing in your family.

One thing you could do is to start talking more openly about feelings. If she upsets you what do you say? If you upset your DH what do you say?

I second the pp about talking about characters in books and films. I also think in general encourage her to read, read, read novels or read books with her. It is a really natural way to get into another person’s head and experiences. A recommended film might be The Secret Garden (1992)- it’s all about learning empathy/kindness:)

But you don't have to let them get beside themselves with exhaustion to understand this. Surely they can imagine how they will feel if they don't get enough sleep?

@OhComeOnFFS

I guess I was also lucky in that it only took a few days of being tired. They settled at 9.

Respectfully, I disagree.

I agree that too much "people pleasing" is not something to aim for, as it can be taken advantage of. However, I don't think selfishness is the goal either!

In my experience, the people who live the happiest lives are the ones who are able to build strong, solid relationships with the people around them. And empathy, self-awareness and compassion for others all help with that immensely.

It's good to promote healthy self esteem and assertiveness, so that people don't become doormats or let others walk all over them, but as a parent, I think you absolutely owe it to your child to do as much as you possibly can to help them develop the social skills and personal qualities that will enable them to build healthy and enduring relationships with other people. And empathy is a very important component of that.

Some people are just like this, it doesn't mean they lack empathy, it’s sometimes just not expressing it. This became an issue with my son after some friendship issues. We talked about it and he was often being misunderstood. So we worked up some scripts of kinder ways to deal with things to help him, so instead of going blank and looking rude he would have the language to deal with things. Over time it became more natural. I realised that i did this as well. Quite blunt and always having to mentally rescript things to not look like a dick.

These personality traits are actually quite good in adulthood when you can choose your friends and environment more freely, just more challenging in school!

My son and I are both autistic.

Agreed. Many girls mask very well /the symptoms aren't always the typical ones as they have mainly been formed from knowledge of male autism

I would look at improving her emotional intelligence and go from there
Maybe also some work on her social skills

Is there a chance she might be on the autistic spectrum? I

This. You need to model empathetic behaviour

Does she read fiction? Novels have been shown to increase emotional intelligence and empathy.
for her age group, Michael Morporgo and similar have an emotional, empathetic focus- but if she’s a more reluctant reader, anything character based that holds her interest!

Agree, it's more about people skills than empathy. Having good social skills gets you far in life. Empathy doesn't although it will help with close relationships. I think these things need to be taught as cause and effect isn't obvious as it is with getting cold if you don't wear a coat.

We have this with my 10 year old. She is being assessed for ASD. I have talked about how other people feel from the word go, but it's not going in. She also presents as bossy, uncompromising, dominating etc. She can't do manners or other social norms. Have you considered ASD?

Thanks for the replies, I really couldn't see a way forward this morning.
Answering @itsallshite (because of the great username) and others who suggest Asd, I'm shocked by how much this sounds like her. It's NEVER occurred to me. Not sure where to start but I'm definitely going to look into this.
Natural consequences work great for us because she is quite uncompromising so it saves a lot of battles and the lessons sink in more, but I do agree that the consequences in this case are too slow to be obvious, at least unless I point out the little things more.

A kid needs more than natural consequences. They need guidance, reminders, honesty, frank conversations and telling off.

My SIL refuses to say anything that would upset her daughter, and her daughter is rude, dismissive, entitled and unkind. She speaks to her mum like shit because her mum does nothing and she gets away with it.

I don't know why some parents are so nervous to properly parent, draw boundaries, enforce consequences, have arguments if necessary.

We did quite a bit of role play with one of ours as he had not much empathy for others.
If you see your daughter being nasty pull her up on it.

but that is just teaching her friends not to like her and this will make her lonely and she will get harsher and then that might enter into bullying territory! I do think you need to take note of her behaviour and guide her as others have said you .need to talk to her about feelings and emotions ask her how she thinks so and so feels. you also have to let her know how you feel. you also need to tell her when she's being to harsh every time.

You and your partner need to role model empathic behaviour and also day to day talk about your own feelings when issues arise, naming your own emotions. Also observe others and discuss how they might feel when different things happen.

Also you really must step in when she’s mean to kids. Ask her what would be a kinder thing to say. Ask her hie she would feel if someone was mean to her

Yes I thought masking asd too

I haven't read every response. But why does she need to be "kind"? That's a genuine question. Is she being "cruel"?

Or is the expectation here that she acts like a girl? Being smarter than your peers is discouraged in girls, d
encouraged in boys. If others are uncomfortable with who she is, if she is intelligent and capable, why is that her problem? You don't have to conform. Girls do not have to be more empathic than boys. Total lack of empathy is a problem. But "lack of empathy " is also an excuse to say "this girl doesn't act like a girl should".

Stuff kindness. I'll take intelligence and capability every time.

I was a very intelligent and capable child. However, I struggled with social skills.

Personally, I would take the social skills every time.

Actually, I wasn't lacking in empathy - if anything, I almost had too much of that! But - probably due to undiagnosed neurodiversity- I didn't know how to interact with others and I was utterly miserable as a young teen. I wish someone had intervened earlier.

Life got so much easier when I learned how to build better relationships.

Intelligence and capability will certainly help you to succeed in academic work, but the ability to get on with other people is more likely to make you happy and successful in life.

But in any case, it doesn't have to be an either/or choice.

DD is younger but I do a mix of 'of x did that to you, how would you feel?' and, if it's something more complex/unfamiliar to her I do an emotionally similar situation she would understand better. Like :

Grandma worked really hard to make a nice dinner and make it really tasty, it took a long time. But you wouldn't try it to see if it was nice - can you imagine if you drew me a beautiful picture and worked really hard, and then when you gave it to me I just said 'I don't want that' and didn't even look at it. How do you think you would feel? Would you be happy or sad? Do you think Grandma was happy or sad when you didn't taste the dinner she made? What do you think would be better to do next time?

I think there is a huge difference between not having empathy and talking harshly/down to people.

Obviously its not ideal that your DD is like this, it may change as she grows up and realises that she loses friends and its not socially acceptable to be so blunt.
But if she is kind to animals and not deliberately mean I would think it's more likely to be mild ASD?

No, people with ASD have empathy, they just don't understand so make mistakes. This child sounds far too confident to have autism. (I have autism).

What OP is describing sounds more like sociopathy to be honest.

OP, you can't really teach empathy, you either have it or you don't. What you can teach is how to behave properly, and teach her that she doesn't need to understand or how others are feeling to do the right thing.

I don't think people are advocating "be kind" @Neriah being empathetic and pleasant to her friends/peers teachers etc etc is nothing to do with being a kind girl and everything to do with being a well rounded girl.

Assertiveness is amazing but I do think you have to be in control of that assertiveness, especially as a young girl because she will end up being called a bitch cow or whatever other derogatory term, that can be thrown at her and there is a chance that her assertiveness will be crushed. empathy is animportant trait in life imo.