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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL feeling guilty about BIL

12 replies

Purpleturtle45 · 16/11/2023 06:20

I have an amazing relationship with my MIL, she is a wonderful woman and a great Mum, MIL and grandparent.

My BIL is 50 and has mental health issues (depression) and has really put her through hell over the years. He is a giant man baby. Doesn't work, sleeps all day, on his computer all night, turns up at hers for every meal (that he is awake for), heavily relies on her for emotional support and it has really taken it's toll on her. She is now in her 70s and no sign of it letting up.

No doubt she has enabled him over the years by lending him money/her car however I can understand why you would do what you can to help your child. All of this is met with no appreciation and he takes his frustrations of his own failures out on her. He is a very intelligent man and at one point was very successful so it's very frustrating for all involved. He has 3 kids which he has never supported and one of them got taken into foster care (away from the Mum) and eventually my MIL got kinship care so she has also been bringing up/supporting her for the last decade.

We have booked a holiday with MIL for next year and she hasn't told him yet as she feels very guilty about going away and leaving him at home. I understand her feelings but I feel she deserves a break and a chance away from him to switch off. Part of me thinks maybe I am being judgemental and not being sensitive enough to his mental health struggles but he does nothing to help himself and it's heartbreaking to stand by and watch such an amazing person be treated so badly by her own son.

Part of me thinks she is going to end up inviting him on the holiday but I would be fuming at this as 1. She needs a break from him 2. He literally sleeps all day so what's the point? and 3. If you don't work and make no effort to better your life then do you deserve a nice holiday at someone else's expense?

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 16/11/2023 06:27

The holiday isn't going to be a break for her, she's going to be worrying about him while away. It sounds like she's enjoyed the learnt helplessness she's created, but age has caught up. What does your DH think?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/11/2023 06:29

What’s going to happen when she dies? Is she expecting you to look after him? Or the granddaughter?

I think the worrying is part of opening a conversation with you on holiday to get you to commit…

PriOn1 · 16/11/2023 06:35

Has it been made clear to her that he isn’t welcome on your holiday? I get the feeling this isn’t going to end well. The problem is that she has created this situation and you have to let her live with it, but try to avoid letting her drag you in.

Do you know of any reason she might be enabling him. Does she blame herself for his mental state? Were there problems when he was growing up?

Original poster

Purpleturtle45 · 16/11/2023 06:39

Ponoka7 · 16/11/2023 06:27

He thinks the same as me and absolutely hates how badly his brother treats his Mum and the toll it's taking on her, both physically and mentally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Purpleturtle45 · 16/11/2023 06:40

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/11/2023 06:29

What’s going to happen when she dies? Is she expecting you to look after him? Or the granddaughter?

I think the worrying is part of opening a conversation with you on holiday to get you to commit…

My husband and I have talked about that and it's a bit of a thought. We will absolutely not be looking after him though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Purpleturtle45 · 16/11/2023 06:46

PriOn1 · 16/11/2023 06:35

Do you know of any reason she might be enabling him. Does she blame herself for his mental state? Were there problems when he was growing up?

We haven't put it at bluntly as that but have definitely alluded to the fact she needs a break and shouldn't feel guilty about it. Tbh our priority is my MIL so we try to put any negative feeling towards BIL to the back burner in front of her to not make her feel worse about it (which can be very hard and we certainly don't manage all the time).

Their Dad is a waste of space too (same kind of issues) so MIL has always tried to compensate for that too. She is honestly an amazing person and has been through a lot in her life but always been positive.

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/11/2023 06:52

She may be amazing but she isn't helping her son, and I say that as someone who lives with depression and anxiety.

Make it clear to her he's not coming.

After the holiday someone needs to have a discussion about her long-term plans because at 70 she cannot do this much longer without it harming her health. They both need to know you won't be supporting him in any way.

However, it's not always easy to accept or find the right treatment for depression. It's still your responsibility as an adult to get there.

Lobelia123 · 16/11/2023 07:09

I think this awful situation has arisen in part because everyone is afraid to be open and blunt about things. No one wants to point out to BIL that he's a lazy useless fecker who's sponging off his mum; no one ones to say to mum that this is a situation of her own making, and that she can and should say no. Now you are worried that all this indecision is going to slide on and take over your holiday. So if I were you I would break the cycle, stop worrying and silently stressing and dreading what will probably happen, based on past experience - bring it out into the open NOW>

You dont want BIL on the holiday, so make it clear now. That doesnt mean hinting or sayng something 'kindly' or in 'a pointed way' - it means coming straight out with it in words that NO ONE can misunderstand. MIL, we are excited for this holiday - its a treat for all of us and a special way to celebarte you and give you a rest and a treat. Im saying now, with love, that there is no way that BIL is welcome on or will be tolerated to come on this trip. Its a hard no. He's not invited, he's not welcome, and if you or he try to include him, the trip will be immediately cancelled - I dont care if its as we are boarding the plane - we'll turn around and come home. And then maybe when she gets tearful you can explain why. I think she needs to face up to this situation with her son now, before its too late....becaise i can guarantee you that when she passes away, he will become your problem.

WiIIowT · 16/11/2023 08:06

Unfortunately, she's allowed that behaviour to happen. Therefore, I think just stay out of it. They are both adults.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 16/11/2023 08:18

You just need to deal with it as it happens approach this like you would a child, by giving the illusion of choice: do you want to come with us or would you prefer to rebook another week with BIL?

Ohtobetwentytwo · 16/11/2023 08:24

Put it to her as concern. This is our break, we want you to come too, but if leaving BIL is stressing you out, you can of course stay home with him. We just need to know sooner or later so that we can cancel in good time. I would leave it at that. The choice is come alone or cancel. It's your business if you still go but by limiting her choice, she would have to directly ask about a third option of bringing him, which you can shut down immediately.

CurlewKate · 16/11/2023 08:30

@Ponoka7 " It sounds like she's enjoyed the learnt helplessness she's created,"

Yes-loving every second of it-because having a child at any age with mental health problems is such a joy.

Can people please forget that this woman is a MIL?

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