To want DH to prompt spending time together.

[Orangepeely]

Been married for 13 years, over the years I’ve tried to explain that I would love him to say ‘let’s spend time together’. Unless I do, it won’t happen and I’ve put it to the test many times.

If I don’t say ‘let’s go up’ etc he will just stay in front of the tv all night until he passes out. If I ask to spend time together he won’t say no but he doesn’t understand that I want to feel like he wants to spend time together, and it doesn’t feel that way to me if I have to be the one to ask every time.

Well he’s not going to change now, so you either accept that it’s your job, or end it.

Has he always been like this?

You're not going to change him so forget about testing him and thinking he'll suddenly have a revelation/personality transplant. He could just as easily tell you to stop wanting this and to enjoy watching tv till you pass out. Is he drinking btw? Is that why he passes out? Bit weird otherwise unless it's just a turn of phrase.

If he was good in other ways and did spend time together at my instigation, I'd accept it and not read into it that he didn't like being with me. Maybe there's other issues though and this is a flashpoint? Do you feel like he's happy to have you around but wouldn't mind if you weren't? Some men are definitely like that and don't change, and don't make good husbands.

Hi OP, have you heard of the five love languages? One of them is "time together". The idea is that we all have different love languages, so your DH may be expressing love in other ways (words, touch, gifts, acts of service) and doesn't realise that this is the way that is most important to you. Does your DH show he cares about you in other ways?

I think you have to accept that this isn't in his nature. DH and I have been married for nearly fifty years and I don't think he has ever suggested a day out (unless it was linked to his hobby, in which case he'd really rather go alone!) or a weekend away or a holiday.
I would be over the moon if he did but I've come to realise and accept that it simply doesn't cross his mind. If I organise things, though, he's very happy to go along with the plans and always says he's enjoyed himself.

Do you mean going out together or initiating sex?

Of course people can change. At the end of the day it’s making a conscious effort that becomes a habit. If people couldn’t change their habits and behaviours then adults wouldn’t make dietary changes to lose weight, take up exercise regimes to get fitter, quit smoking or drinking, change jobs or careers, explore a new hobby – things people do all the time. Of course, he has to care and actively make the effort for it to become habit.

It’s a bit ‘scheduley’, but you could consider designating one day/evening a week where it’s your special couple time, be that out or at home, and each take turns in deciding what you’ll do. It can be simple or more elaborate. It’s all about building the habit into your lives until it becomes integrated.

Seconding the PP who recommended the Five Love Languages. This has really helped me and DH. Maybe both of you could try the quiz and see what conversations spring from that?
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Reading up on love languages did wonders not onky for my DH and I, but was hugely helpful in friendships.