AIBU for feeling angry and frustrated over this?

[JMSA]

I work in a nurture capacity with young people at a secondary school. Several display very challenging behaviour, particularly towards some of their teachers in class. I work very hard to understand their behaviour and to support them through it. I have built good, trusting relationships with them.
But today I just felt like losing the plot. One of our pupils was sent by senior management on a 'fun day' today; this happened after telling two of her teachers to fuck off last week. She takes no responsibility for this and hasn't apologised. I was furious when I found out about her jolly.
My job just feels like a fucking joke right now. What kind of message does this give to a child?
Yes, she is disadvantaged in some ways. But I really feel for those teachers.
Some of our young people get every intervention under the sun thrown at them, and it makes not one bit of difference to their behaviour in school.
I'm just tired of it. Every day I try so hard and it does mostly pay off. But I realised today that maybe I'm in the wrong job, and this makes me sad. My empathy, patience, understanding and dare I say, leftiness aren't infinite. Some days I really question the value in what I do. I talk to the kids all the time about their behaviour, but it can feel like you're hitting your head off a brick wall.
I need to give myself a good talking-to tonight, as I can't go in feeling like this tomorrow.
Please help me to shake off this funk and negativity!
I should add that today I was asked to put forward some names for a school trip. Well, I made sure to add overlooked children who have their struggles, but who just get on with it. It felt like a small victory

Your job sounds like one where you won’t always get to see the results and you have to trust that what you do will have a long term overall positive impact. My job is similar in that respect, it often feels thankless but I have to trust that it does make a difference. At difficult times I remind myself of the successes I know about which makes me feel it’s worth it

Thank you for your reply. The thing that probably matters most in my job is the quality of the relationship with the kids. That's what they'll remember in the years to come. But today I just felt like I was faking it.

I would never want school to be like it was when I was a child. I'm glad it's better for our young people these days. But it just feels sometimes like we've swung too far the other way.

I got fed up with the endless cycle of setting boundaries only to have slt come barrelling through on their way to the bowling alley/cinema/trampoline park/go-kart track/alton towers. And changing the boundaries of success after defining them clearly so kids staff could still go on those reward trips. That and no support from my manager meant I was feeling completely ignored and without value as a member of the team. For me and a couple of colleagues who left around the same time, it was the best thing we ever did.

For what it's worth, I still see some of those students and they tell me how much they miss me as they knew where they stood with me. Because I didn't just back down but showed consistency and sympathy for their situations.

It's such a difficult job but is so underpaid and under resourced.

If you otherwise love it, as pp says, remember you might not see the impact now, but the kids will remember how you take time with them and how you interact with them. Maybe see if you can change the group you work with, or change your specialism so you can work with different students. And if all else fails, there's actually a world of jobs out there where your skills can be put to good work. I now work with adults who have learning difficulties and disabilities and work towards acceptance, understanding, reasonable adjustments and either independence or supported living
later down the line. I love it and have found my happy place.

I recall when my child was at school.
shy but studious, loved school as learning, keen to make friends and social circles.
they we're doing very well and all of a sudden they started struggling, didn't want to go to school, became withdrawn.
I found out that a 'kid with challenging behaviour' had been placed with them in their classes. Interrupting, scribbling on my child's work, teacher on a couple of occasions punished my child as they had shouted at the delinquent to behave. My child was the one punished.
This kid was awarded days out, treats and just like you said, noting happened.
needess to say I flipped an demanded the kid be moved away. I was told it wasn't possible as the kid had a right over mine to an education.

after several arguments and threatening to wait outside to speak to the parents and kid, a formal complaint via letter with the threat of ofstead due to bullying they were thankfully moved. I should not have had to do all that! It took months!

Kindly I think maybe you could maybe looked at doing some training around ACEs and trauma informed approaches - behaviour has to have consequences - absolutely, but it needs to be understood in the context of individual childhood experiences and situations. When a child behaves in an unacceptable manner, hard line punishment doesn't always have the impact we think - or change behaviour long term, in your role I am sure you understand this. Letting this young person go on a trip seems fine - banning them would seem over punishment - you want young people with challenges to feel included not separate.

Working with children in the care system, in education capacity, I can reassure things have not swung too far the other way - cuts in support staff and training budgets etc mean we are dealing with out highest levels of PX ever this year.

For our young people, understanding, compassion and constancy (including in the continuation of their education place when they come into care) is a vital part of keeping them safe and supported.

Oh OP it sounds like you do an amazing job and I bet you’re a safe consistent place for some of these kids. It must be so difficult and frustrating in such situations. I have no relatable experience or advice other than I bet these kids will remember you and deep down your words, patience and understanding make a difference. Maybe even not now, but in the future. I’m sure the teachers appreciate your presence and efforts too.

Oh, and I don't mean to undermine your work - I know you care and work hard and I appreciate all the staff, like yourself, we work with

Thank you all. I really appreciate your thoughts and insight. In fact, I wish Mumsnet had a 'like' button!

Honestly? I think you're in the wrong job. As a parent of a SEND child and an advocate for others, I find it really quite upsetting that someone with that attitude to young people who clearly have additional needs going on is the person supposed to be helping support and educate them. Have you never been trained that behaviour is a means of communication?

When you say disadvantaged, do you mean children who've experienced trauma?

@POTC - please don't think this. It's often not the kids that people who've worked in who frustrate but the attitude of managers in pushing down boundaries that they themselves have out in place.

For example, the school I worked in had a semh unit for students with emotional and behavioural needs. We were trauma trained and worked hard with these kids to support them at their level. There were 3 or 4 who would consistently push boundaries and put everyone in very unsafe situations.

The management decided to implement a points based reward system. The students had to gain X number of points to attend the weekly reward. It was weighted in favour of achievement.

There were a cohort of students who actively worked against the system to utterly break it, charging in and out of their own and others classes, using language that would make a sailor blush and general inappropriate behaviour, including barricading staff in a room on one occasion. They were rude and physically abusive to me on several occasions even though my ethos was each lesson was a fresh start and I understood completely their struggles.

They were still given the reward even though they didn't achieve the bare minimum. The message that was then sent was it didn't matter if they worked well or not, they would still be going. Because the managers who didn't go on the trip would be the ones left with the students who hadn't made it. And they didn't want to deal with kids who were angry at the world and angry that they didn't get the chance, so they didn't help them see their role in their sanction.

Some of these were genuinely nice kids who just couldn't cope in mainstream. Who needed a smaller, more hurting environment and who were trying their hardest to achieve with the lot life had delivered. Others were kids whose parents also gave in for an easy life so they didn't have to deal with a near grown man having a tantrum because they needed help to understand and manage emotions. I was in charge of interventions to support that and I was bloody good at my job. I put up with far more than a lot of people would to show these students ways to help themselves when life wasn't going to.

In my current job, I see the consequences of the choices those adults made for those students. The students who now expect everything to go their way without any input on their part. The learned helplessness from adults with additional needs whose parents have smoothed over every issue and transgression ever made.

The difference is, now they've had their liberty curtailed. Their struggles are no different. But societal laws dictate that the behaviours seen in those classroom are not appropriate.

Schools are not looking far enough forward to prevent criminal records in grown adults. I can say with certainty which of the students I work with are at greater risk of custodial sentences due to the rewarding negative behaviour culture that has gone on in one small unit. And that's not including the ones who have already got that criminal record, worn as a badge of honour.

It frustrates and upsets me. I know the education system is broken, under resourced and under financed for these kids. But by constantly rewarding a cycle of negative behaviour with no accountability, all we are doing is pushing the problem along to the adult justice system. Which is equally under resourced and under financed to support these needs.

Your attitude is understandably blinkered and biased.
I work like a fucking Trojan for our kids, going above and beyond every single day.
Shame I'm in the wrong job though, when there's not exactly hordes waiting to fill my minimum wage position