Contact from ex after a year

[Shakeylegs]

Not really an AIBU but I just need to type this out as I’m emotional.

I had a long distance relationship for 7 years. I won’t go into the details because it would be the longest post ever, but I’ve never felt like that about anyone before, and thought we’d somehow be together forever. I gave myself completely to him emotionally. Kids meant we couldn’t uproot families.

18 months ago, he ended it because he wanted someone physically with him, and he started seeing someone else. He didn’t betray me or treat me badly. We tried so hard to find a way to make it work, but couldn’t.

We tried to stay in touch but I was devastated and it just became awful for us both. Never a cross word, but just too difficult to see our lives diverging. I couldn’t ask him about his life because his answers upset me. He couldn’t carry on talking to me as much as it wasn’t fair on the person he’d started seeing.

I was going to suggest ending contact because it was just horrible, but one day he just didn’t reply to a text. A day became a week, a month, and upto almost a year now. No contact at all in that time.

We missed each others birthdays, our kid’s’ birthdays. Not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of him. I miss him tremendously. His friendship, the laughter, the physical stuff. Just the company most of all. I have friends and family but he was my best friend.

There was one bit of life admin that we shared, that needed to be managed this week. He could’ve let it be but it would’ve cost him a couple of hundred quid and been annoying. So I always wondered if he’d get in touch to sort it. All year I’ve thought that maybe this would be the thing that made him get back in touch. I didn’t think he would after so long.

This morning, he did. Just a brief email. Not unfriendly but business-like. When I saw his name on my phone it was such a shock that I couldn’t stand up really. I became quite tearful and have stayed so all day. It was like seeing a ghost.

It’s so silly really. I don’t know why I’m typing this. I just need to get it off my chest, I suppose.

I sent a reply, giving him the info he needed. He said thanks, and that was that. Gone again.

All day since I’ve been thinking about what he wrote (it was about ten words in total!), wondering about his life now. I can’t ask because if he’s happy with someone else I’d feel so sorry for myself. I know that’s selfish but I’ve never felt for anyone what I felt for him. Losing him was the worst I’ve ever felt. It took months not to feel sad every day, and I’m not a dramatic or sad person at all normally. Him out of my life completely at least meant that I could control my thoughts a bit more.

I’m not angry at him for saying hello today. It was necessary, he wasn’t unkind. I just wish he could’ve suggested we go back to how we were! Ha. Silly me.

I don’t know why I’ve written this or what I want. But if you’ve got this far, thanks.

That sounds really hard and you don't have and can't get closure. There's no way you can ever go back to long distance though. If he broke up with his new partner , could you move to him if that's possible? Sounds like it would be worth it. In that case maybe it's worth letting him know how you feel and that option is open if he wanted to in the future.

Let's get to the crux of the problem - you can't skip over the details - they are obviously the only thing that matter here - why did you invest 7 years in a LDR? didn't you ever try to come to some arrangement to put the relationship first? What was the problem - looking after parents, commitment to job, the cost of moving/buying - how complicated can it be?

Just hugs really. It’s hard but keep moving on. Your head seems very stuck on him still & I get it

It can be very complicated. Jobs, kids, their schooling, their access to our exes, ill parents, money all conspired against us moving closer to one another. We knew each other as friends before getting together, and stuck at it because we loved one another very much.

And perhaps there was a tacit acknowledgment that getting together properly posed as many risks as it did opportunities. Neither of us were naive enough to think that a successful LTR necessarily meant a successful ‘proper’ relationship should the opportunity arise. We were just happy as we were for a long time and I hoped we’d stay that way or move on together.

I don’t know what I yearn for. Certainly not those last few months. And I know that I can’t go back to the time before that. Perhaps it’s just being in love. Or being younger. Or having someone as reliable a friend as he was. This morning just brought it very much back. I miss him, and what he meant to me. The thought that he has replaced me in his life also makes me very sad as, to me, he is irreplaceable.

So ATM you don't actually know if he's attached or even remotely interested. I don't know how old you might be but you've both(?) had children with others (both/neither previously married?) so are you mid/late 30's? So you've had 18 months of thinking you've not had the closure you need to realise that the relationship is over for good? How much longer do you want it be like that? I'm probably a lot more direct - partly because it kills me to be in limbo and I'm impatient in the sense that I don't like being held up - I like to move forward on things in life - I don't dwell on the past - I tend to think about the future a lot more - partly again because as you get older you realise you're running out of runway - if you get what I mean! On MN - I see so many relationship and people problems that seem to arise out of poor communication or rather a lack of communication - I feel (and I don't know why more people don't seem to think this way) that to feel secure in a relationship you really have to know what's in your partners mind and heart - I mean really know - you have to have delved into all the dark corners of who they are, where they came from, what they hope for, etc - can you see that if you felt you knew that much about you're partner it would most likely be a lot easier to know where you stand with them - knowing them on so many levels is the way to trust them and trust your own judgement. So -why isn't it obvious that if you have these thoughts on your mind that you go to him and being them all up - write the questions down - what you want to know - ring him up and ask him - talk to him. I accept you may not get all the answers but it's a start - it's possible he doesn't know all the answers himself - but communications doesn't always solve everything on one conversation - it's a process that takes time. If you found out where you stand with him you could, perhaps, find it easier to move on - it sounds like he's been able to - or had to. How do you think this period of time would look like to the next guy you start seeing? I think it could make them uneasy - knowing that you were so hung up on an ex - it's not good is it? Investing 7 years is a lot of time - it strikes me as 7 years without bringing anything to a head - perhaps avoiding hard decisions - I get the very real difficulties with living a long way from each other but - have you not also seen that sh!t happens in life - you'll probably be able to think of things that happen to other people - maybe things that have happened to you - I'm thinking of things like - someone loses a job (downturn in business, business closes down or moves, gets bought out, restructuring, reorganisation, loses an important contract or client, etc) - sh!t lie that happens - often out of the blue and you have no control over it and it can affect you life in a big way - puts you in a situation where you have to make decisions you never thought you'd have to make - other situations - a parent/partner/child becomes very ill or has an accident or leaves, a decision goes badly wrong (employ a bad builder, a house you buy gets flooded, a bad investment) - there are all kinds of sh!t that happens that puts people in situations where they have to make decisions. How would you cope if any of these things happened? They do happen and people get through them. Now with you - it might seem different because you haven't had something imposed on you that has forced you to make a decision (other than him exiting the relationship) - you've (possibly) been able to carry on without making many hard decisions (other than not to try and resolve the relationship problem) - I'm just wondering if it's a sign of inadequate communication or a reluctance to make decisions that's part of what you need to think about - you come to a public forum - I'm just expressing my real thoughts - I hope it helps in some way - I hate to see people stuck or struggling all for the sake of a bit of honest communication and some decision making. The thing about decisions is that often it's hard - maybe impossible to know if every decision is "the best" - I tend to think what really matters more is what you do to make a decision work out - a lot of decisions don't have clear, perfect outcomes without any possible negatives. Possibly one of the big problems is that you haven't lived together and so possible don't even know if that would work out anyway - you hear of that - people moving in together and then realising they are not compatible. Do you think you are both of the same mind - one that works to overcome difficulties because you want the relationship to work? I think that comes with maturity and relationship experience - why did both your previous relationships end? I also don't agree with the "one and only true soul mate" way of looking at things - there are plenty of other people anyone can match with - actually finding them is the hard problem - but IMHO - that depends on how you go about it. You relationship probably can't go back to being what it was - you've both lived and moved on with your lives but, like any possible relationships in the future - they will inevitably be different and you will be shaped by them and you will shape your partners life. What do you want to do - stay in limbo or move on? If it were me - I'd talk to him or start the ball rolling - maybe you'll realise very quickly - it's a no-goer but at least you'll know you tried (and had the guts to face up to the awkwardness of it all - it may not be that awkward - you've known each other a long time). It's clear that if you did want to make a go of it something has got to give - and you'd need a lot of trust in each other to make some big decisions. I have seen/known three couples that split up and were apart for a year before they got back together again - these things can happen.

A good friend of mine insists of looking for relationships all over the world - I remind her of all the problems that's likely to introduce right at the start - I'm always encouraging her to look closer to home. LDR's, I think, can be more viable if one or both of you are less rooted to family, jobs, etc.

Apologies if I'm way off base - I don't know you or your situation anywhere near as well as you do and there's only so much you can spell out in a post here; I don't worry about being wrong in life - I try my best.

How often did you meet up in that 7 years?