To be nervous of telling new employer about caring responsibilities for autistic daughter?

[87SPD]

Sorry for the long post but here goes…..

I have had amazing help on here before regarding my wonderful DD13 who was diagnosed with autism a year ago.

She had a lot of distress when she started high school and after a lot of tears, meltdowns, self harm and eventual help from the school we sought a private assessment and received the diagnosis. The school have been fully supportive and for the past 6 months life for our DD (and us) has become much more settled where she doesn’t need to mask as much anymore and we have completely adapted to ensure she feels safe and comfortable in all aspects of her life.

I recently started a new role in a new company, which I love already but know that this will come with its own stress and pressures. It’s a public sector role and on the surface seems very work-life friendly. I am 6 weeks into the job.

The past couple of weeks our DD has started to have more meltdowns and extreme school anxiety. It has now emerged that a girl in school is being quite nasty to her and as a consequence that girls friends have started to join in. This along with some staff changes in her year have led DD to become distressed again, it’s literally like we’ve gone back a year, no sleep, crying, panic attacks etc. We are obviously working with the school now to resolve the bullying and get her back in school on a phased return.

My worry is my new job, in my previous job they were so supportive and were there with me when I was going through the diagnosis etc. I am really nervous to explain to new employer that I will likely need to work flexibly for a while until the issue with school is resolved. My DD heavily relies on me for emotional support and although DH is amazing with her he doesn’t quite understand how to handle her in the same way.

AIBU to just try and carry on juggling everything without new employer knowing or should I be telling them? I don't want them to think I’m not serious about the job but on the other hand I have to put my daughter first. I am willing to work late evenings (remote job) and prioritise urgent meetings etc but not sure how it will be received if I raise it so soon into starting with them!

Any advice on how to approach this? Please go easy on me, I am so emotional from lack of sleep, worry and pressure to learn new processes and work that I am so close to tears constantly.

TIA 💕

Hi OP, I think as hard as it is, you need to talk to your new employer and let them know. This isn’t going to be a short term problem, your daughter will have periods of ups and downs so it’s best to be honest with them so hopefully they can help you be able to support your daughter as much as possible. Hope things gets easier for you all soon.

Do you have a probation period?

If your manager is approachable and seems understanding, flexible, then yes maybe mention it, you are the best person to judge that.

I wouldn’t be going in with telling them that you need to work flexibly though as it is not your decision and they do not have to agree to it nor do they have to make any reasonable adjustments in this scenario.

Are you a remote worker? if so, is it work that could be completed out of office hours, so long as you complete it (eg writing reports and planning documents, accounts, editing, copywriting etc) or is your presence required at given hours (e.g. online customer service)

if it's the first, I would try to structure your day to be present for your daughter when she needs you most and get up early, or work late, whichever best suits your body clock, to catch up. If not, I'd let them know and explain this could be an ongoing issue. You need flexible work at this time.

@Candleabra yes it’s a 6 month probation period. It’s a Civil Service role

@Ponche thank you, my manager is aware that my DD has autism and was lovely about it but I made out she was so much more settled etc it is a long term thing though you’re right

I don't think you have much choice really. You need to support your daughter. I think it's best to explain the situation and see what the reaction is.

A kind of colleague (as in a different dept) has had no end of support when she has problems with her learning disabled son. Everybody appreciates it's not easy.

I think its depends on whether it is likely to impact your work or others will fine out you're not working at key times. If you already have the flexibility to work early and late, and support your daughter in between, and will manage the work ok despite the extra support you are providing her, then I don't think it's necessary. Otherwise I think you need to be honest.

@TotalOverhaul i am a remote worker yes and it’s not a front facing customer service type role so could certainly write up reports, complete tasks ‘out of hours’ I am required to attend quite a lot of meetings which is fine as DD is 13 and if no trouble being at home in that sense. It’s just periods like this where she requires extra attention/care to help build her up again. I suppose I just miss the support I had from my old team, I always still managed my workload and could do the same here, by nature I wouldn’t ’slack’ as such it’s just raising it with them that I am nervous about with being so new. You are so right in how i can structure my day and perhaps once I get a bit of sleep and give my head a wobble I will be able to plan my work out properly - thank you x

I have similar challenges. I didn't tell my employer for a year until I'd built trust and relationships. As much as we'd like the world to be really understanding of what autistism is the reality is most people without direct experience think you're exaggerating. I personally wouldn't tell them anything until you've passed your probation but I'm in the private sector where it can be quite brutal.

If you like your job, I think you're going to have to let DH step up until you have finished your probation period at least. I don't think it's a bad thing that your DH has to learn how to deal with your DD and vice versa. It may not be exactly how you would deal with it, but it's not like your palming her off on a stranger, Think of it like this, you'd be doing them both a favour if you e.g. were taken into hospital and they had to cope alone.

@Malariahilaria sorry you have also gone through this, it’s so difficult to navigate. I understand exactly what you mean with wanting the world to be understanding but rarely is, I am still learning myself so can’t expect others to grasp the situation who have no experience of autism. I think I will wait until after my probation and try to wrestle through the next few months, hopefully if I prove myself with my work and performance I will feel more confident raising it in the future

In that case I would try and get through the probationary period without raising any issues. See how it goes, then ask for some flexibility if it’s not workable.

@SnowLikeRain you are absolutely right, even DH says he will take time off etc but because she masks so well she will act fine then it all comes out when I’m around or she literally is glued to me bless her. But she has to learn to trust DH like she does me and he wants to be equally caring for her needs. I really needed to hear that, thank you ☺️

I am a civil servant and also parent to an autistic child who cannot attend school due to anxiety. On the whole I have found that my employer and more importantly line management have been really supportive. However, I can only comment on the specific part of the civil service I work within - there may very well be differences in different areas. Have you checked to see if there is a staff network for parents / carers in your position? Also have a look at the carer's passport scheme. It will allow you to record your situation and any steps that could be put in place to support you (e.g working outside core hours etc). You then have a record that means you don't have to constantly explain your situation.

Hello OP well done on making the adjustments for your DD. My DD was diagnosed at 11 and my employer was fantastic. I also started a new job at the stage you are at. I would take annual leave as much as you can during the probationary period and pass that first. Legally you are better protected if your employer knows your situation and so after probation I would tell them. You don’t have to reveal the details of the difficulties.

In an ideal world you would be able to tell them but I would be wary
Whilst they probably wouldn’t actually say it was because of your daughter they might well terminate your employment during your probation and you wouldn’t really have a leg to stand on

I get how traumatic it is for you, we have a similar situation with my DD and it feels like I am in contact contact with the school (luckily I am part time!) She is also autistic and is experiencing bullying (again) and is not in a good place.

However, your DD is old enough to understand about commitments - of course she comes first but you also have work commitments. My DD knows that I will support her 100% but I can’t be there 24/7 or there instantly. If she has problems at school then school will allow her to go to a safe place and my DH or DM will get her if necessary. Our job as parents is to help them to be ready for their own lives and you won’t be able to intervene when she is at work so it’s about helping her now whilst encouraging independence. I am my DDs main emotional support but I can’t be with her every step. She has to feel she has trust in others too. My DH has had to really step up.

Maybe ask work if you can start later on a couple of days if that works (to get DD off to school and to have time to talk to school etc) but I wouldn’t go in saying “ I need/I have to ….” Etc

if it gets really bad then you can consider home schooling until the rest of the year. There are some great online providers and courses. Mine was home schooled in year 8 and went back on year 9 at the same level. I would take her out now and home school her again if things got unbearable again. The online set ups are so good that I don’t need to be there or get involved so can still work

Be prepared to let other things slide, like housework and socialising for a few months and focus on your DD, getting up earlier or staying up later to work and your own self care.

@Tragicroundabout thank you so much that is really good to know I will have a look on the intranet. It does seem like a very inclusive and flexible place to work but being so new I don’t want to push any boundaries

@LittleMousewithcloggson thank you - I totally understand where you are coming from, we are really trying to build her resilience and understanding of our responsibilities as parents with work etc. She is by the most part a very strong and resilient girl but obviously still masks more than we would like.

I have looked into online learning before and it is tempting as she has a football club she plays for where she is at her most sociable in the context of discussing the game but it’s really helped her so she would still see other people her age.

@TheUnRed thank you, I do need to prioritise our little bubble that’s a good tip to shut out any external added pressure xx

I’d try and structure your day so you’ve got some time when she’s fresh out of school and log back on later. Civil service is very flexible and usually supportive

I would highly recommend home learning if you can afford it
Wolsey hall have got a great track record and are used to dealing with learning difficulties
Oxbridge home learning very good too
There will be more but they are the 2 I have either heard a lot about or used ourselves

Might just give her the time to herself she needs and the confidence to be herself and study without fear

you could always put her back into school at a later date

@LittleMousewithcloggson just had a look at Wolsey hall and it sounds ideal. We have cut back lately with spending like most have had to but I’d find a way to make it work. She’s such a lovely obedient girl and it breaks my heart that people her age can be so vile and purposely intimidate and laugh at her, their parents should be ashamed!

Thank you for that, I’m going to have a look through it with DH tonight 💕