Saddened by ghosting

[CalmBeforeStorm01]

My DD (22) and her best friend, going back to nursery school, have been joined at the hip for 18 years. They were each other's confidante and the epitome of an unbreakable friendship, not clingy at all, just supportive, trusting, collaborative and close. Her friend practically lived with us growing up and while they are different in a lot of ways, and are travelling down very different paths in terms of their career choices and aspirations, I never expected that bond to be broken. Our families are also friendly, not close compared to when the DC were young but friendly for sure.

In August, friend started to freeze DD out of wider friendship groups with people they both know, organising days/nights out and not inviting her. Then it turned out she had pursued a relationship with one of the guys in that group and the rest is history, her friendship with DD limped on for a few weeks, with DD making all the effort. 4 weeks ago she disappeared into thin air, no contact, snap maps turned off, nothing. Except a view of one of DDs professional network accounts by the boyfriend.

DD is good at masking so on the face of it, she said it's just one of those things and it is to be expected as she's done it before when new friends came along. Her opinion is that if/when she needs her, she will be back and while she is uncomfortable being used, will always be there for her. Underneath the mask, I suspect she is devastated.

One side of me wants to get to the bottom of it by having a conversation with the friend. The other side is telling me I'm being ridiculous and to just forget about it and let it ride out. DD has no intention of reaching out again.

I always thought they would go on to have relationships, families, life experiences etc. and support each other all the way and am very sad for both of them that won't happen.

It’s the saddest thing isn’t it.

I’ve been in the situation personally and also seen it with my DD.
In very similar circumstances.

It is really tough but unfortunately I don’t think you can say anything. There’s nothing you can write which will persuade her to suddenly start being friends with DD. The truth is even if DD reaches out it becomes that the other girl has all the power.

I wish you could wave a wand and make it better but I think you have to also put a brave face on too. For the sake of your DD just have to leave it. Hopefully they will reconnect in the future and the other girl might realise eventually what she’s lost.

It IS sad but unfortunately don't think you can say anything

Thank you. I guess I'm protecting DD and want an explanation for the behaviour. If it's done, then we can all move on and wave hello if we see each other in the street but I find myself avoiding places I would normally go as she might be there and I'm one for direct talking, unfortunately.

You’re not being unreasonable for being empathetic for your daughter’s loss, but this isn’t a situation you can solve. If DD has tried to reach out and the other party simply isn’t interested then sadly that’s life. Do I think the friend is being a b*tch for not explaining why she doesn’t wish to make contact anymore? Yes, but people make their own choices and go on their own paths. She may have a valid explanation for her absence, or she may simply just not want to talk to DD again. It’s sad that DD has been effected by this, but it’s a chance to learn that people grow & change & simply sometimes aren’t want you expect.

You won't get the real explanation, so it's really not worth upsetting your DD for. She's taking a very mature approach and I think she's dodged a bullet as I'd say this girl has not grown into a nice person.

sometimes in life there are diverging of ways and it's so so much healthier to just let them go.

It is hard op you be hurt for your daughter. I had it too in friendships kinda no closure on it. But I have accept it if friendship drifts .. but its hard yes

I’d feel exactly the same as you OP. I think it’s quite spiteful behaviour and the girl has form by the sounds of it. However, I also don’t think you can say anything and the thing is even if you do, I doubt you’ll get the truth.

If I were your DD I am not sure I would welcome this girl back with open arms to be honest.

I would suggest that something has probably happened between them that you may not be aware of. Maybe something about a boy or a secret or something.. as they have been friends for so long i think theres a chance they might sort it out and come back to each other after a time. In the meantime they will make new connections with other people. Its all part of the rich tapestry x

It’s devastating when it happens and I understand that you’d like to know why she chose to behave this way.

Sometimes the acceptance of not knowing is the only closure we get. Make peace with it (not easy) to push it out of your mind.
Dwelling on it won’t take you anywhere. Speak to DD, be there for her and support each other.

I’d also stop avoiding going places where ex friend might be. Neither you nor your DD has done anything wrong. You are not obliged to speak to this person ever again.

Surely this is a normal thing to happen? As friends grow up, they often grow apart.

It's very sad and hurtful but it's not up to you to get involved or sort it out. The main thing is to let DD know it is nothing she did wrong. Lots of people at this age just want to shake off everything related to their childhood. It is part of the process of growing up. her friend might want to be trying new attitudes or personality traits for size and not wanting people who always knew her differently to be surprised or to question her. It really is normal. But not nice.

Encourage your DD to look forward - into the wide world, to make new friends who will help her to develop as she becomes an adult.

I think it's good that she has let the friendship drift and not turned it into a big issue. They may become friendly again later in life.

If they've been joined at the hip since they were toddlers, perhaps the friend has been gradually changing growing apart, and wants a break from someone who has been ever present in her life?
You say they have developed very different aspirations and career paths and things, perhaps now they are just different people and the friend has decided the friendship is now no longer something she wants in her life.
I also wonder if perhaps there was some rivalry over the significant male...

Whatever the cause, it might make you sad, but sometimes relationships run their course, especially as children grow into adults.

Thank you everyone. I can always rely on fellow Mumsnetters for an objective take on the situation when I'm being driven by my emotions and subjectivity.

They haven't argued about anything and I guess when you give so much and get this in return, it leaves a bitter taste but as most of you say, it's part of life. DD has always cherished the friendship and her friend has very much been woven into the tapestry of her life; past, present and future. She feels abandoned and things they had planned to do together are just swept aside - for a boy who won't be around 5 minutes. It shows a shallowness and immaturity I definitely did not expect.

Thanks again everyone. I'll tell DD about our conversation and no doubt will get the inevitable eye-roll then her telling me you're all right.