Should I have told them I was there?

[Gifgirl]

I am extremely upset.

Just overheard my colleagues talking about me. Not being 'bitchy' but saying that I am exhausting.
I have Emotionally Unstable Disorder (BPD) and always felt work is one of my 'safe places' with my 'safe people' - I work in a church.

I have had alot of therapy. I am SO much better than I used to be and only have an episode every few months; and I haven't had one since the summer.

Now I'm really upset. I spoke to another friend about this (outside work) and he has suggested that I was mean not to have told them that I was there and could hear them. Is he right?

I'm back on the 'everybody hates me' track.

Your friend sounds like a bitch

I won't vote because neither you nor your colleagues are BU.

I'm sure they really don't "hate" you, but of course you may be hard work sometimes - like a lot of people!

Look at your behaviours and see if there are areas you can make more improvements on.

It's always advisable not to listen in to private conversations but, as you have, remember that you heard was that you are exhausting. Not unlikeable or unpleasant.

Maybe you are exhausting on occasions. Maybe some people can sometimes find that hard to deal with. That doesn't mean that you don't also have many positive points and that you are not valued as a colleague. We all have our weak points and that's ok.

@Gifgirl

I'm sorry you suffer with this. I'm glad you're much better though!

there are different ways of looking at the situation. I wouldn't make my presence known as I'd always rather know the truth, but sometimes it's hard to hear. The route to less immediate hurt is to always make your presence known.

with your colleagues, people vent. Though given how rare it is for you to have an episode it sounds like unnecessary venting!

id have walked in on them and had it out with them, because I would have been hurt & angry. Made them explain why I was exhausting?!?!

it would stop it feeling like a safe space for me & id bloody well tell them that too!!

your friend isn't much of a friend (sorry). If you were my friend I'd be worried how it was affecting you!

it's not 'mean' not to have told them you were there, it was 'mean' of them to discuss you at all, but especially when you're in work & could potentially over hear.

Your friend is 'mean'

take care of yourself!!

It wasn’t “mean” to keep quiet, I think “mean” is an odd sort of way of looking at it. Everyone vents quietly about difficult / exhausting colleagues occasionally, particularly if a colleague’s behaviour is making them stressed or preventing them from doing their job properly. Would there be an opportunity to take them aside, let them know what you heard and ask exactly what it is that’s making them feel this way so that you can recognise particular feelings and triggers better and so that there could be some plan in place where colleagues can indicate to you that they think you’re escalating and need to take a time out away from the situation?

You might not think you’ve had “an episode” since the summer, but if they’re discussing you making them feel exhausted now, that suggests something has happened much more recently and that you’re not quite recognising escalations in unstable behaviour when they occur or the impact of your behaviour.

I wasn't 'listening in'. I was in my office. They were outside the door. They presumably didn't realise I was in today as I don't have the car parked outside.

If they are safe people perhaps you could speak to them about this. I realise it's difficult. But people say things and sometimes they're just venting rather than being malicious. Maybe you'd feel better if you talked about it to them.

Ah I see. Do you want to talk to them about it? Or do you have a manager you trust that you could raise it with?

X posts with @Nopenopenopenopenopenope

Hey OP, what were your friend's exact words? I don't think "your friend is a bitch" comments are helpful at all. If perhaps it's been a bit of a miscommunication, it won't help for you to "split" (BPD/EUPD symptom) on your friend and lose a valued, trusted friend.

My manager was in on the conversation.

I would like to talk to them but I won't be able to do it without getting upset. And I guess that's exactly what they are talking about.

Ah it's never nice to overhear something like that, so I can understand that your feelings were hurt.

However I would try to rein in your reaction to it. Kindly, it can be exhausting looking after and managing someone who needs a lot of support. It's okay to feel like that, and it really doesn't mean that they hate you. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt unless they were actually being nasty.

We're all hard work sometimes, and we all need to talk to each other about what's happening with our family, friends, colleagues. They were venting.

I think I'd tell them I heard what they said, and see if it's something in particular I'm doing that's wearisome. It could be something really easily resolved, like doing x more often, or asking them to do y less often.

This is one of those unfortunate situations when no one is really in the wrong (except your friend, whose comment is a bit odd). They shouldn't talk about you behind your back - but let's face it, we all do, and it sounds like the things they said weren't actually that bad, it's just really unlucky that you heard. Saying you're exhausting honestly isn't the same as saying they hate you! When is your next therapy session? I think it will help you to discuss with your therapist.

Probably best to go direct to the Manager seeing as they were in the conversation too. Let the manager know you have heard.

They are not necessarily wrong in finding this tough, in finding things exhausting, but there are ways and means in going about this, and this was wrong.

Only you know yourself and how you respond to these situations. I'd think what you need to do now is stay grounded and rational, talk it through with someone or us on here and try to prevent a split happening. Have you had DBT or STEPPS therapy? If so, could you starting pulling On some of the skills taught there to help you understand this from other perspectives and not get stuck In black and white thinking?

I don't believe your friend is right, it wasn't mean of you to not tell them you were there. I guess in the moment it's natural to just freeze sometimes and not actually know what to do. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, please believe that.

As for the colleagues, I don't think it's a case of them disliking you. I absolutely love my partner to bits, (he has EUPD) I'm not going to lie, I've had plenty of times where I've told my mum he can be exhausting, because quite simply, he can be. I don't ever mean it in a malicious way or because I dislike him, its just because he may be struggling himself at that time and I'm happy to throw endless support, but it doesn't mean I don't feel mentally exhausted from it too. I can't always tell my partner this as I know how much he would overthink a comment like that, so i go to my mum who can then give me the support I need which helps me to keep supporting him. I'm assuming you have taken your colleagues comment maliciously seen as you now feel everybody Hates you. Have yourself a breather and think about what you heard, the tone it was said in, context, how these people usually treat you etc.....after doing that, does it still add up to you that it was meant maliciously?

I tell my children not everyone in the world will like you - its important to be yourself so you attract people who genuinely like you for yourself.
Everyone in the world moans about other people at some point. I would just have a word in private with the person moaning and say you have BPD and is there anything they would like you to work on because you would welcome the feedback. Its likely they might have some more compassion for you and be less moany. But don't think the world is against you - one moany person doesn't represent everyone in the work place so try not feel that work is no longer your safe space.
Also confide in someone at work you trust as you need someone to give you support and reassurance.
Having BPD must be hard so cut yourself some slack.

Also, are you manager and colleagues aware of your diagnosis?

Yes, they all know and have been very supportive.

Alot of us even without your diagnosis would be upset if they overheard colleagues at work who we thought we got on with talking about us.

Yoir friend is wrong, most of us would probably sit and listen to what was being said to find out rather than speak up/say we were there. It’s happened to me when wearing a mask they didn’t know I was there and I just froze.

But you need to speak to your manager and say you overheard this being said and can you discuss it as you want to move forward

Thank you so much everyone.

I have just spoken to my manager who was terribly sorry that I'd overheard but assured me that everyone loves me and will always support me 100%.

He asked me to try and understand that sometimes barriers need to be put in place and sometimes people also need to talk about how this affects them.

I totally understand how I can be utterly exhausting but I have to hold on to the fact that they are still here for me after 6 years; unlike everyone else who I managed to push away.

You're all amazing on here, too. Thank you 💐

Good outcome, OP. Well done for being brave enough to raise it with your manager. I'm so glad to hear that he handled it well.

There you go OP, so glad you're seeing this in perspective and with positivity.

Ah brilliant, glad it went well and glad you feel better!

That’s a great update Op, well done. Sometimes we all moan to other people about things that we would never say to a person in real life as we really like them. But dealing with it so quickly is a real positive step forward for you. You’ve done great.