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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Due to get married

16 replies

blueberryna · 15/11/2023 07:41

Do I tell him all the things I got up to when we first met?
He was controlling and awful to me when we first met. I'd say for the first 3 years. We have now been together for 16 years and have 2 wonderful kids.
I slept with someone else as they made me feel good as he was so awful to me: we are getting married in 2025 so do I tell him before or just let this one lie x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2023 07:42

Don't tell him and don't marry him.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 15/11/2023 07:44

Um DON'T FUCKING MARRY HIM

easy question

He failed the test. Catastrophically. There are no resits.

SeethroughDress · 15/11/2023 07:44

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2023 07:42

Don't tell him and don't marry him.

This. It sounds like an incredibly unpleasant, unhealthy dynamic.

Pottedpalm · 15/11/2023 07:44

I don’t understand why you stayed with him.

Original poster
blueberryna · 15/11/2023 07:51

I'm not sure why I stayed with him: I went on to have 2 children who are amazing and we've both mellowed out now.

OP posts:
TookTheBook · 15/11/2023 07:52

Why are you getting married OP?

TookTheBook · 15/11/2023 07:52

Do you want to tell him to self sabotage so he refuses to get married without you having to decide? If so, explore that.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 15/11/2023 07:56

Once an abusive shitbag, always an abusive shitbag underneath, just waiting for the next time you're vulnerable enough to abuse.

applepieandtea · 15/11/2023 08:04

So you cheated and now feel guilty.He was abusive but yet you stayed.

What do you really want ?
Do you really want to get married ?
You didnt love him that much to go cheat on him.
He didnt love you enough to respect you and showed you abuse instead.
Then added children in the mix.

I mean having to ask on here says something about you having second thoughts.
Some would say your welcome to each other.
It dont sound very mellow to me.

xyz111 · 15/11/2023 08:04

Has he totally turned himself around now and he's amazing and the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

PerspiringElizabeth · 15/11/2023 08:06

Sounds like you’re useful to him at the moment, raising his kids. Once they’ve left I’d be worried he’d reveal himself again as the shitbag he is.

BrimfulOfMash · 15/11/2023 08:15

If you are hell bent on getting married (no particular problem unless you are the main earner, brought your own property to the marriage and have the biggest pension) do not risk telling him.

If his abusive controlling behaviour resurfaces you will have handed him a weapon. In fact telling him might provoke him into being controlling in case you are tempted again.

Original poster
blueberryna · 15/11/2023 08:23

We've been together 15 years now. This was in the early years.
I love him and want to marry him but this guilt has now cropped up. I know it sounds ridiculous.

OP posts:
applepieandtea · 15/11/2023 08:30

blueberryna · 15/11/2023 08:23

We've been together 15 years now. This was in the early years.
I love him and want to marry him but this guilt has now cropped up. I know it sounds ridiculous.

If it was him that done it would you want to know now or after the wedding.

Original poster
blueberryna · 15/11/2023 08:38

Probably wouldn't want to know at all to be honest.

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 15/11/2023 08:41

blueberryna · 15/11/2023 08:38

Probably wouldn't want to know at all to be honest.

I'd use this as your guide.

But I'd evaluate the feeling. I'd bet it's not really guilt - It's very likely your subconcious wanting him to pull out so you don't have to make the call. There's no logical reason to explode this with that revelation now.

Are you sure you want to marry him?
Are you sure it's wise?

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