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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty about going away this weekend

20 replies

LovelyQuiche · 15/11/2023 05:22

DP and I live together and have a 19 week old and a 2 year old. He works full time. I work part time (1.5 days a week).

He took his dad away for a weekend end of September and went away on a tournament for a weekend in October so I had both kids on my own. They were tough weekends as baby was very young but I managed it as I know how to fill the days and entertain them. However I was very tired as baby not sleeping through and older child not sleeping great at the moment anyway. And I did feel resentment towards him that he thought these were appropriate things to do when baby was so young even though I reluctantly agreed (felt a bit strong armed into it). So when some friends asked me if I wanted to come away with them for a weekend (this weekend) I said yes (DP agreed). It’s 1.5 hours away and we’re just staying in chatting, eating, hot tub, walking etc. I see these friends about twice a year.

Thing is, now this weekend is nearly here I feel guilty that I’m leaving him on his own with the kids as I think he’s going to find it really hard. We don’t have parents that help. I just want to have a nice weekend away but will spend it thinking they’re all having a shit time because he’ll be knackered and is not as organised / effective as me at looking after the kids. But part of me is like - well you went away for 2 weekends! His sister is coming down on Sunday pm to help. Both of us are struggling with lack of sleep at the moment. I have a cold that I can’t seem to shake as I’m so run down. He struggles hugely with sleep disturbance.

aibu to go on this weekend break? Should I just go for one night rather than 2? What would you do?

OP posts:

MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 05:27

I wouldn't feel guilty about children being looked after by their father.

Whataretheodds · 15/11/2023 05:34

Go. Enjoy. He will cope and his sister will help.

AlwaysFreezing · 15/11/2023 05:35

He will figure it out. If you don't go you're setting yourself to be the only capable solo parent.

Go, get some sleep, have some fun. It'll be fine.

savethatkitty · 15/11/2023 05:37

Go! You get zero points for being a hero.

MermaidMummy06 · 15/11/2023 05:37

Go! Otherwise you're setting the pattern of him going away freely & you never going anywhere or getting a break. Don't be the default parent!!

Also, your DH having to wrangle kids on his own for a weekend will show him how difficult, exhausting, and tedious it can be looking after kids on your own.

Frenchfancy · 15/11/2023 05:39

Go. If he finds it tough he will appreciate you more. The DC will be fine even if they live in PJ's and eat cereal all weekend. You are not going to the other side of the world so could get back in an emergency.

Toomuch2019 · 15/11/2023 05:42

Please go.

Leaving DH on his own is also important for him to understand what it is like for you when he does the same. And it helps him stay competent so you don't feel you can't ever go in future. As PP said, you don't want to end up in a pattern where you never go and he always does because he's not confident or you've given in before.

I know you're tired and there will be part of you not that bothered but you will likely feel much better for it and will be good for your friendships too. Your chance for rest and relaxation is just as important as his

Enjoy!

Original poster

LovelyQuiche · 15/11/2023 05:49

Ok thanks everyone
feel better about going now. And yeah I agree - he needs to understand what it’s like looking after both of them on his own

OP posts:

ElaineMBenes · 15/11/2023 06:31

What would you do?

I'd go. Without a second thought.

He's their dad, never feel guilty for expecting a parent to be a parent.

Codlingmoths · 15/11/2023 06:36

Go! Go! Have fun! Do not prepare things for him. His sister is coming to help. He will survive. I hope he doesn’t leave the house a tip for you. If he does, next time he goes away ask if he will do a big clean when he gets back, since he expected you to.

WaltzingWaters · 15/11/2023 06:36

Go enjoy yourself without any guilt. The kids should be fine with their dad for a couple nights. A if they’re not, you have bigger problems.

SeethroughDress · 15/11/2023 06:37

It wouldn’t even occur to me to feel guilty. You need the break.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/11/2023 06:39

I’d go. He needs to be able to manage.
and we all suffer hugely from sleep disturbance!

Purpleturtle45 · 15/11/2023 06:39

100% go, he will never learn if he never has to do it!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 15/11/2023 06:42

Go. He'll cope. Do you think he agonised about going away and leaving you to look after both children? I doubt it.

And if he leaves the place a shit top, don't let him off. He gets on and tidies and cleans.

Enjoy yourself!

Ilianor · 15/11/2023 06:43

Sounds like you urgently need to recharge your own batteries

Birch101 · 15/11/2023 06:45

Go and enjoy it. He has support. If he says he finds it too much then agree that next time he will take a days AL the following week to rest. Do not just put aside your need and desire for time out (within reason)

My little one is almost 2, I've had an overnight spa (where I was on codeine for pain so not great) a 2 night hen do (I couldn't sleep after yr+ of night wakings) and have another spa night in Jan.

I would actually like a whole week 🤣

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/11/2023 06:58

100% go. But only if you're not going to be checking your phone or actually calling / messaging every five minutes. Tell him he is not to update you on every spilled drink, tantrum or messy nappy. You are AWAY and unless there is an actual emergency he needs to deal with stuff on his own. You shouldn't have to, but if it helps you relax when away, make sure things are obvious, clean nappies in plain sight, lots of bibs, muslins, clean bottles etc. ask him if he's thought about what he's going to do with the time. To be clear, this is not to help him, but to make it more likely that YOU will get a decent break.

WahWahWahs · 15/11/2023 07:11

I am doing a similar weekend with my friends this weekend. One of our friends is only coming (on a flight!) for Sat late afternoon and Sat night, leaving on a stupidly early flight on Sunday morning because no one is confident with her DH looking after his son for the whole weekend.
Their son is 9 years old!
This has come about because she gave in to feeling like you do since he was a baby, and now her DH is considered incompetent plus the unspoken understanding is that it is easier for him to swan off on a weekend with my DH than it is for her to do the same with me.

Work together as a couple so that resentment doesn’t set in and trap you now. Unless you are breastfeeding, there is literally no reason why a father should be less capable of looking after little children on his own compared to a mother. Both will find it tiring, but a lot of knowing what works and doesn’t is learnt behaviour and practise.

Trust him, have confidence in him and also allow him to trust and have confidence in himself. We do these things for each other (fairly) in a healthy couple. It breeds confidence and respect for each other. Have a lovely, restorative weekend (get some sleep!), then come back, give him a hug and thank him for holding the fort to facilitate you going. Expect the same from him.

Enjoy!

Catza · 15/11/2023 10:08

I don't understand why women digging themselves a hole by believing that fathers are less capable of being a parent. You are more organised and efficient at looking after the kids because you have been doing it yourself. How will your husband ever become similarly efficient if you don't trust him with the kids for a few days? He is an adult and from what I hear, childbirth does not come with a manual on parenting. Parents learn through doing so let him do it!
I used to live with my (very young) grandparents and one day my grandmother had an accident and had to go to a hospital for several weeks. My grandfather and I ate cheese sandwiches, fried eggs and coffee for the entire time (this was in Europe where it is normal to give children coffee, by the way), went hiking, watched old films and played cards. He had a rough idea of how to keep a child alive but was certainly not as efficient in childcare as my granny. We had a cracking time together nonetheless so not sure I can relate to kids having a miserable time by not having an efficient parent with them at all times.

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