To be pissed off with total lack of family support

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost73]

My kids are 15 and 11. They see their nana twice a year as she lives 200 miles away. We try to visit when we can but their nana, my mother is married to a really controlling man who basically controls everything she does and when we do go, we are not made welcome at all. My kids have been in tears before over his behaviour to them and the energy goes into his kids and grandkids.

In 15 years, I have asked my mother twice to look after my kids, both for a couple of days while we went to a wedding.

Next year, in early July, we have been invited to another wedding Thurs - sun in France- no kids. So I have asked and I can see that he isn’t letting her do it.

Aibu to be pissed off on a few grounds- him controlling her, me never getting any support at all from family even on a one off, on his family getting all the support- they always look after kid grandkids.

I know you can never expect help but she’s had them for 5 days in 15 years. I just wanted to go to the wedding but it’s looking unlikely and I just feel fucked off at the disparity in support. Given the age of my kids, it’s probably the last time I’ll ever ask anyway. DS will be 16 by the wedding.

I think you have to accept what can't be changed here OP. That said I wouldn't make your mum your biggest priority either. Focus on those who are good to you.

Next year they will be 16 and 12. Old enough to leave on their own for a couple of days and if not just hire a gite for all of you and leave them there on the day of the wedding. And yabu to expect free childcare from anyone.

I was also going to say just take the kids with you and they can stay home the day of the wedding.

Your mother is a bit more difficult to deal with. She's obviously being controlled and doesn't see it. One day she will. Be there for her when she does see it.

Unfortunately we can’t take the kids with us as the wedding is In a big house where everyone is staying.

And I don’t expect free childcare. Just a bit of family support- which his family get in spades.

Why does your mother stay with him? Is she controlled/downtrodden? Or does she deny it?

@wesurecouldstandgladioli i think she is just so worn down after 30 years of it, she does nothing. It’s horrible to watch. I hate him- he’s an abusive c**t frankly.

You don't have to stay there though, you can explain your predicament and hire a place just for you and your family. And even if your kids are ADHD they can still be left on their own for one day.

Your mother is a bad one for doing this to her own dc and dgc. How can she look after someone else's gc knowing she doesn't for her own. Her loss though, your dc won't bother much for her soon. Hope she doesn't expect you all to come running if she needs help later on.

I've felt like this but I realised that I was actually experiencing jealously that others around me had it when I didn't.
I'm sorry that you don't have that as an option and that your mum is missing out on her relationship with you and the grandkids.

Agreed you don't have to stay there? And even if you did need to stay there, you could potentially rent somewhere very nearby and just leave the kids overnight.

It might not be 100% realistic - but I would look into what air BnB type rentals are available. Or good family hotels or similar. If the kids can stay nearby that could be an option...

Although I suspect the main reason you posted was just to vent. And yes, it sucks, it's definitely not fair. But it's been 15 years so there's no reason to expect anything to change now.

If your mothers husband has had your kids in tears before, why would you even consider them as childcare?

Just dont stay in the "wedding" house and take them with you or would one be able to stay at a friend's and your friend have the other ?

Yanbu. Your Mum is not able or willing to stand up to her DH and as a result your kids are treated differently to his GC. It’s ok to feel hurt and let down by that- although Mumnet seem to think expecting any family support over the age of 18 is ‘entitled’
Over here in the real world most GPS support their children to the best of their ability and want to be actively involved with DGC.
im sorry for your situation- in a few years time your Mum and her H will no doubt need care and support themselves and by that time, you will have checked out
I hope you get to the wedding- maybe see if an older babysitter can sit with them for a few hours

I mean if this is true I find it bizzare why you would want your kids to stay there anyhow. You clearly don't like him who's to know about mum maybe you make it difficult your end also the animosity and she will feel it to. Hope you get sorted

Is there any uncles or aunts they could stay with? Or a friend of yours? I totally get how your feeling.... Its crap and I understand that family are not expected or free childcare and they have their lives etc etc... but to me it's very harsh.... And I think the older generation seem more selfish than the younger generations tbh. As a lot of grandparents who refuse to watch grandkids now will have had their own kids in the past watched by their own parents.

Have you told your mother how you feel? Could your mother come to your home by herself?