What do I need to know or do before I get my 12 year old a phone?

[coodawoodashooda]

Just that. I've given in to the pressure. How can I make the experience as painless as possible?

Get insurance would be my #1 tip. Mine have iPhones so I can see where they are on ‘find my’ - I know you can have paid for apps but DH and I are iPhone users and it works for us. We also have the Apple family plan for storage.

Also be prepared for arguments over usage 🙃

You don't need to get them an iPhone to see where they are! You can track them on Google maps or apps like life360 for free.

Mine just has a cheap Android because it will definitely get lost or smashed. Google also has the family link app which means you can restrict screen time and access to apps. I have an iPhone and these things are all cross platform now.

I told mine it doesn’t belong to them and I installed screentime. They have no apps or browsers unless I enable them remotely. The phones are therefore pretty boring and don’t get used much. They have music and messaging but not WhatsApp and no picture messages are allowed

Mine have Motorola phones, if they break they’re not expensive to replace as I found with dd1 who dropped her phone down the toilet.
They need checking every day for content and messages, PIN stays as is and never changed, have the phone in your name and this can be confiscated as and when. Limit data, once it’s run out they don’t get more. Mine have 12GB which is enough.

As above Life360 is a great free app.

That the average age of viewing pornography is 11. Also, as a result, boys need to be directly taught that it is NOT NORMAL to hassle girls for photos. Girls need to be taught early to go for help when someone asks for them, as they are requesting underage pornography, which is illegal. People want to know where their kids are all the time, but it is the camera and instant messaging apps that cause all the problems.

If you allow them any apps like TikTok or instagram, you need to set them up for them to ensure the privacy settings are appropriate.

I would just ban social media- tictoc, insta etc. If you allow WhatsApp then no groups. One to one chats only. You reserve the right to check their phone messages and history and do it regularly.
DS is 11 and just texts a few friends- it’s fine so far.

Sort out usage rules.
Far far easier to relax rules gradually than impose them later.
At minimum I'd suggest:

• out of room and downstairs overnight
• you can check at random without notice
• no apps to be downloaded without your permission

Other things might be

• off X hour/minutes before bed
• not at meals
• off while homework is being done
• must stay sociable
• no underage apps
• payg, paid for from pocket money

iPhone parental controls- he’s on “Do not disturb” 8.30am- 4pm weekdays, 8.30pm to 7.30am always. Only exceptions are me and DH. Screen time locks that he can’t override.
Apps all approved by you and no in app purchases.
Spotify family plan is very popular- he loves listening to music which seems harmless.

Make it part of the deal that you have parental control and exactly what that means. Decide if you want them to use snap chat etc (I wouldn’t personally at this age) but make this clear in advance.

Put a cover on it and make him promise to never take it off. Not necessarily a screen protector but a cover. Any cover that covers the corners will give it some protection against drop damage.

Explain to him that phone calls cost money. Seems obvious to us but mine didn't realise because everything else on the phone warns you before it incurs charges.

Google family link is the Android parental control app. It's easier to do parental controls if you stick with what you've got (apple vs Android)

11!!!!!!!!

I am on three and my daughter hasa phone contract linked to mine. I have to approve all apps and I can't track her location and her screen time use etc ...

My 12 year old had an old iPhone 7. She drops it occasionally so we buy replacement screen covers and so far so good. She’s even said there’s no point getting a better phone as she drops it so often 🙄

Find my iPhone app is v useful. We use it all the time.

The phone stays downstairs at bedtime on charge; I did this with her older brother and had no issues; my sister didn’t, then had major issues with her 14 year old wanting it in bed. So I’d get in there quick and insist phones downstairs at bedtime.

She uses text, the odd call ( to me/family/friends) and WhatsApp. I know her pin and periodically she knows I might look through it. No issues so far.

I have said no to tictock- I suspect she would become v v addicted to this. Apparently all her friends have it but to be honest, she hardly mentions it so isn’t really bothered.

So far this approach is stress free. The novelty has 100% worn off and she uses it like I do. I only know to do this cos I made big mistakes with her older brother, witnessed my sister doing the same, then realised I wasn’t doing it again!

i agree with poster who said no WhatsApp groups (unless a family group that you are in). Groups at that age can include lots of kids who add friends of friends and can be rife for bullying and inappropriate content, not to mention so many posts it’s impossible to keep up and blocking people to be unkind. 1-1 WhatsApp rule avoids this.

Put all the parental controls on you can.

Explain the phone stays downstairs especially over night and that you will be checking it regularly.

No social media.

Are you thinking of getting an iPhone? If so then make sure you understand and use the parental controls. It's not perfect but it's pretty good. Set up screen time, age restrictions, find my phone, ask to buy etc etc BEFORE you give it to him. There is no need to battle with him over screen time if it's already set up.

If you make the effort to set it up correctly now it's much easier that trying to do it retrospectively.

I'm surprised at the amount of no apps. So, is it then mostly the Internet they use it for?

Not so much no apps, as no apps without your permission.
Social media is way more trouble than benefit for many at that age.

I personally love my girl having an iPhone as the family connection makes it easy to monitor what she's up to. For instance I've allowed snap chat for friends only but limit it to an hour a day so she's not on it constantly. I also schedule downtime at bedtime or if she's doing homework so she can't faff about on you tube while she's meant to be working. She has lots of wee fun apps she plays on but again as it's through me I have to approve it all! iPhone also offer additional protection from inappropriate photos coming through.

Just make sure you check the device on a regular basis, my son is 14 but I still check his device weekly, I'm not a tik tok fan but unfortunately my son uses it but my personal opinion it's vile, just talk any inappropriate messages they can talk to you straight away, also check the phone for a vpn if you put restrictions on children know the ways around things

Check the phone regularly.
Talk to them about porn. If you aren’t ready for conversations about porn, they aren’t ready for a phone imo.

Agree with others - phone downstairs overnight. Avoid social media for as long as possibly. WhatsApp groups only very small (my son has a group of 3 he plays a particular computer game with) or not at all. Hard no to whole class groups or whole year groups.

DD(12) has a smart phone. DH and I control it through Family Link (the phone is Android). She doesn't have a browser on it, and we control which apps go on. She can only use it 7am - 9pm, and we can shut it down remotely at any time - very useful if her behaviour means no phone, as we don't have to physically remove it.

A fair fraction of her friends don't have smart phones at all, so she knows 'everyone else has...' won't wash with us