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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong

54 replies

INeedFriends · 14/11/2023 15:31

So have a family holiday booked, my sons gf has recently moved in holiday booked before she moved in. I said to my son while we are on holiday she will have to stay somewhere else for that week. (I did say she was welcome to come on holiday but they don’t want to pay for her but if I was paying wouldn’t be a problem) Now apparently according to my son I’m a bad person for kicking her out(it’s 1 week) , in my eyes he should be greatful I let her stay in the house to begin with. Both age 21 of that helps

OP posts:
Whiskerson · 14/11/2023 16:35

Well, does she live there or not? That's your real issue. She thinks it's her home. You think she's someone who stays over with her boyfriend every night that he's there. You need to get on the same page with her and make sure she understands what her position is. I was surprised that you said "she moved in" but then go on to say you don't want her there alone - so no wonder if she's confused too.

Night409 · 14/11/2023 16:40

If she lives with you FT then it’s her home and you can’t just kick her out for 1 week.

When is the holiday?

If you don’t trust her being alone in your home (now her home too) then I don’t think she should be living there and she needs to move out.

hotcandle · 14/11/2023 16:41

YANBU

Flibbertygibbetty · 14/11/2023 16:42

This is the trouble with being kind. It ends up being taken for granted and then you are in the ‘wrong’ when you want some boundaries. Why didn’t she move on as promised? It is a big risk,leaving someone in your home that you haven’t known long. Many people use it as an excuse to have others over, have different boundaries around possessions, privacy, respect etc so YANBU.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 14/11/2023 16:43

YABU she lives there

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/11/2023 16:46

Whiskerson · 14/11/2023 16:35

Well, does she live there or not? That's your real issue. She thinks it's her home. You think she's someone who stays over with her boyfriend every night that he's there. You need to get on the same page with her and make sure she understands what her position is. I was surprised that you said "she moved in" but then go on to say you don't want her there alone - so no wonder if she's confused too.

Yeah, I do agree with this. Mixed messages.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 16:47

You allow her to live in your home but don't trust her to stay there unsupervised? Like a puppy then or do you think she'll trash your house?

This is absolutely bonkers. Turf her out already because this is just ridiculous.

goldierocks · 14/11/2023 16:55

Hi @INeedFriends

Please check your home insurance policy - mine would not cover for theft/damaged contents if I allowed an unrelated/non-family member to stay alone overnight.

Original poster
INeedFriends · 14/11/2023 17:01

i have said to them it’s only a week and it would be a great time for her to catch up with family/ friends . It’s nothing against her I just don’t want anybody in my home while the family is on holiday! This was a short term agreement rather forced from my son for her to be here, I don’t have a problem with her being here at all it’s just being in another country and my home in the hands of some who I consider irresponsible!

OP posts:
Original poster
INeedFriends · 14/11/2023 17:03

It’s not that I don’t trust her.. it’s the fact of somebody being in my home when I’m in another country, we went on holiday in Aug I didn’t have a problem with her being in the home then as my son was also home!! It’s not like I’m kicking her out!!!!

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 14/11/2023 17:05

I think it will cause a rift and your son + potential DIL will think you don't trust her.

Do you have actual concerns or it is just her being in the house?

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 14/11/2023 17:07

Who the fuck suggested op pay her stay in a hotel? Mn is hilarious! If ds dumped her where would she go?

RhiWrites · 14/11/2023 17:13

But it is like you’re kicking her out. And you’re saying you don’t trust her. Both are fairly unreasonable.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 14/11/2023 17:24

Aren't guests like fish? OK for a few days then best got rid of.

coldcallerbaiter · 14/11/2023 17:30

So she has overstayed, why? Is she working full time?

Notmetoo · 14/11/2023 17:31

I don't understand why she can't stay. You say it's not that you don't trust her but you also say she is irresponsible what has she done to make you think that. I don't think you can say you trust her but also that she is irresponsible.
If she is trustworthy surely it's better to have someone living in your house and looking after it while you are away than not and if she lives with you where is she supposed to go for that week?.

MrsMarzetti · 14/11/2023 17:36

RedCoffeeCup · 14/11/2023 15:38

Could you pay half towards the cost of her holiday, and she pays the other half? Or would that be a big stretch for you?

She is a 21 year old adult woman, why the hell should anyone be being for her holiday ? She is already taking the mick by overstaying the month she moved in for. She is not a child.

C152 · 14/11/2023 17:52

YABU, OP. You either trust her enough to live with her, or you don't. It's fine it you don't, but you should have said something when she didn't leave at the end of July. She's been living with you for over 3 months now and probably feels (rightly or wrongly) like your house has become her home.

Where did she live before she moved in with you? In halls? With her parents? Is there a reason she can't go back there?

Of course you can ask for your keys back and change the locks to be sure, but be prepared to have a falling out with your son over this. I guess it depends whether you think she'll be in his life for long and if this sort of argument is something you think he'll move on from or hold against you.

DartmoorWild · 14/11/2023 17:58

I understand where you're coming from OP, but I also think you should put a stop to her living in your home.

When they are earning enough they can set up home together but in the meantime I wouldn't facilitate them playing house together by living in your home. It blurs too many boundaries and ends up with messy situations like this.

TeaGinandFags · 14/11/2023 18:50

I think that the crux of the problem is that if she stays behind then you are admitting tbat she's permanent and atm you see her as temporary.

You need to sit down with DS and thrash out why she is still under your roof if not how he seems to be prepared to go on holiday without her. Be clear on what you want going on under your roof - something you may need to thrash out with DH beforehand.

Wishing you all the best.

NumberTheory · 14/11/2023 19:20

Your objection to her being there doesn’t sound particularly reasonable (as in, the reason you give seems to be the equivalent of “it feels icky”, which is a pretty shitty reason to make someone move out of their home for a week). But at the same time she and your DS have coerced you into agreeing to her living there when you don’t really want her to, so they don’t really have the moral high ground. So YABU and YANBU.

Onceuponaheatache · 14/11/2023 19:25

You have allowed her to move in, it is now her home also. Would you make your son move out for the week if he wasn't coming on holiday with you? If not then yabvu

PostOpOp · 15/11/2023 14:00

Will it do something to your house insurance to have her there for a week without a family member there too?

CalistoNoSolo · 15/11/2023 14:09

I wouldn't want her either, and I would use the week she's not there to make sure she doesn't come back. If she's not gone back to uni what are her plans, beyond using you and your son for free food and accommodation?

OhComeOnFFS · 15/11/2023 14:24

You didn't invite her into your home - it sounds as though she managed to get in on the pretence she'd stay a short time and now it's months later and she's still there.

I wouldn't want her there either if you say she's irresponsible. In fact I'd say now is the time for her to find her own place.