To think cost of presents should even out?

[TeaAndBrie]

I have one DD. I buy for several family members children and friends children for Christmas and birthday. Over the years the number of children have increased, especially this last year.
if we’re buying for sister in laws children and there are three of them, would you expect the cost of the present my DD receives to be roughly the same as all three combined that we have?
I love buying presents and really don’t want to stop.
AIBU - each child should have the same amount regardless of how many you are exchanging
AINBU - there should be some thought to the total costs being somewhere near equal.

The present is for the child and not the parents so it’s irrelevant what the parents spend.
That said. I am a a great believer in just agreeing to stop all the buying. So much waste when people are trying to think of things for children who are not their own. Can you suggest this? Maybe too late this year though!

I don’t think your daughter should get a present 3 x the value of those you get for her cousins. Giving presents to children is about giving them something they enjoy, not ensuring there is some kind of weirdly enforced parity among the parents.

The most important thing is that you should only be spending what you can afford. If you’re struggling with the cost of buying 3 gifts it’s absolutely fine to buy them something less expensive or even suggest not doing gifts at all.

For something that happens once a year it seems petty to do the maths on children’s presents like that. But I wouldn’t be buying for friends’ children in the first place: they have families to do that and unless you’ve been like a second mum to any of them for some reason, I doubt they’re going to notice for a minute that their mums’ friend hasn’t bought for them.

I wouldn't be adding up how much a present costs in my head - that's ridiculous. It's the thought that counts. If you end up being angry because you want the amount spent to be the same, you should just stop present buying(!)

would you expect the cost of the present my DD receives to be roughly the same as all three combined that we have?

No I think that's a really odd question but then I wouldn't be worried about the cost of the present at all. It's the thought that counts no? Don't you just exchange gifts at the same time anyway, how are they supposed to know what you're going to spend in advance anyway?

Nope - I give to two nephew/niece and both parents, and get one gift back as that is the size of my 'family'. I have considerably dropped the amount I now spend as it does get galling. However, in this situation I think you have to suck it up or reduce what you are spending rather than expect an increase from the other end.

This was from a conversation I was having at work recently. I think it’s become more obvious as the children get older and more presents are money.
i’m not angry about the disparity, I like to buy presents.
i would historically always try and pick up things that are on 3 for 2 offers or similar to help with costs but that’s not an option when it comes to cold hard cash.

Why are you buying for friends children? If its getting too much, buy cheaper things or put a stop to it.
I started giving to my cousins children and godchildren, but within years, this became 15 children! I don't/can't have children.

I certainly never said to their parents 'I'm giving £XX per year to your kids, so I'd like that money back too!' 🙄

In our family, everyone only buys gifts for their own children, their spouse and their parents. I can't imagine the headache, and costs, of having to buy for more people. As you mention, there's always the question of how much to spend. Ideally, yes, there should not be a big disparity in what you give and what you receive, but there are always going to be some that are crap gift givers or overly generous gift givers, selfish or selfless, etc. Sadly, I think it's one of those things you can't really regulate. All you can do is adjust your own gifts to people if you feel like you are being more generous than they are.

I have 2 dc my brother has 4, we set a limit per child not per family, so all the dc get £15 a head spent on them. My brother's kids don't get less spent on them because they are one of 4. That's not their fault.

In our immediate family it sort of evens out naturally. So I buy for DB's three kids and maybe spend about £100 on them. DB and his wife just get a token gift. We also have a DSIS who isn't married and doesn't have children. She very kindly buys for all of her nieces and nephews but DB and I then get her bigger gifts than we do for each other.

It's never been discussed and we certainly haven't added it all up but it feels as if it works out fairly.

Do both families earn equally?
Are the kids young enough to have no clue about the relative value of toys ?

I'd be embarrassed to accept expensive gifts for my child from family on a low income and if I was on a high income then I wouldn't want family on a low income to match my spending.

I don't think you need to worry about same amount, or whatnot. Just buy them a shared family game if it's all getting a bit full on.

So you are wanting your DD to get a triple price present because you buy for 3 of them. So if you spend £20 on each of them you expect £60 on your daughter. Is this correct?
If so then no that is a bit weird

My family usually have a rough budget per child no matter how many in each family.
I personally tend to go for something I think the would like regardless (to a point) of cost. So sometimes one sibling may get £50 and the other £10 just depending what they are into. It's about the gift, not the money

In our family, all adults and kids get roughly the same size of gift from each family unit - but let's say each is £25, that means that my brother's household which is 2 adults and 3 kids costs me around £125 in gifts, whereas my household which is 1 adult and 1 kid costs them £50. It's a bit annoying, but tbh in the grand scheme of things it's not that much money, and my attitude has generally been that as a household with a smaller kid to adult ratio, it probably helps them out a bit.

I think it's just one of those things - same with hosting people for meals, if you are a smaller household you tend to end up "out of pocket" as larger households don't invite you two or three times as often, but really if money isn't too tight, it's just another distribution of resources.

If someone bought my child something worth £20 I'd maybe buy their kids something with 10-15 each. So I'd still end up spending more but not three times as much as was being spent on my child

For me this is the other way round with my having more kids than my sister and I prefer to try and make the total spend equal and have also told her I am fine with her wrapping up stuff they have grown out of. I feel bad thinking she would have to spend more just because she has fewer kids especially when we also benefit through out the year from not needing to spend on clothes etc that she hands down to us

Buy one gift for the family instead of 3 separate gifts for DC.

Do you need to buy for them all? I buy for a very limited amount of people. Half of it is junk 'funny' or just not needed.

How about suggesting a secret santa if there are multiple families involved? We do this with friends' DCs as we have a usually have a big Xmas gathering - about 7 families with a mix of 1 or 2 DCs each. We have 2 DCs so buy 2 gifts and receive 2 gifts. It seems fair, DCs are always really happy and they have never questioned why they don't get one from each family. You could potentially set a bigger budget per gift to get something they really like too, if it is done more in the interests of fairness than making it manageable for the mix of incomes in the group.