Who decides when to move house?

[karmasacat]

Has anyone ever been in a stalemate with their partner about whether to move house or not? I know we will need to move over the next few years (to a bigger house), but my husband is desperate to move now. This is an old house and has old house problems - single glazing, old boiler and heating system etc. But it’s a great house, no structural issues or mould, good location for us right now and more importantly, it’s just a lovely house. I’m very content here. But tonight we’ve just had another thing go wrong with the central heating and he’s hit the roof and said he’s done living here and he wants to move ASAP, wants to look at new build estates like the type my mum is always trying to convince us to move to. We’re at a stalemate - I would stay for another few years.

What do we do?? Who gets to decide! Feel like I need Love It or List It. Ironically when we moved here it was him who loved old houses and had to convince me to move to one, now he’s desperate to get out and I would move somewhere even older next time!

I'm with your husband. Logically, it doesn't make sense to keep sinking money into your current house to fix issues when you know you will be moving at some point anyway. We were in a similar situation a few years ago, the boiler needed replacing, so did the windows and the bathroom but it made more sense to move since we were considering it anyway so that's what we did.

Single glazed windows and problems with the central heating sounds awful to be honest.

What's your reason for staying a few more years? What will change during that time?

This could be very difficult for you both to navigate. Honestly, a part of me would die if I had to move to a new housing estate, I find them horrendous. You can find new / modern houses which are not on estates; like infill or very small developments of 4 houses, for example, which personally for me might be slightly better but I’d still hate it. Old houses don’t need to be difficult to maintain but it’s expensive to get them to a state where they are easy. My OH totally renovated a Georgian house, added insulation, underfloor heating etc but also kept all the original features. It was painstaking and expensive but it’s beautiful and also ‘works well’ like a modern house (aside from the single glazed sash windows but he couldn’t bear to replace them as they just look so much better than modern windows). It’s a tough one, maybe a well restored Victorian / Edwardian property might work? Not super old but still characterful? There’s no need to have a heating system that doesn’t work just because the house is old, you just need to get new one installed. Good luck, I’m not sure what I’d do if my OH was trying to get me to move into a Barratt home 😬

Go see Phil and Kirsty and ask them if you should Love it or List it?!

Start looking - slowly.

It depends on loads of different factors. Moving costs money so best not to do it to often. If you moved now, would you be moving to your "forever" home or would you need to move again? Do you have kids or want kids?

Personally I love old houses and would struggle to live in a new build but they are money drains.

It's not a choice between a freezing ice box from the 1940's or a new build on an estate. There's a whole range of houses in-between.

I couldn't be married to someone who wanted to buy a new build. 😬

Why do you need a bigger house? I mean if you have 2 kids in a 1 bedroom flat its a bit different to having 2 kids in a 3 bedroom house nut feeling you should have a spare bedroom and an office...

I think it makes sense to look. We went off new builds very quickly for example (felt too claustrophobic... more rooms less space)

I didn't grow up in the UK and absolutely could not live somewhere with dodgy heating in winter. I would want to move asap too

Why wouldn't it be a joint back and forth discussion?

If my husband wanted to move and I didn't then we'd probably cost it up and see what the actual practical impact would be. If we were still disagreeing then we'd probably go back and forth a bit until we came to come kind of middle ground and then circle in on that until we worked out a plan.

For example it might be that we start looking but wouldn't go for something unless it's really the dream house.

Or we decide on a specific amount that we need to save up and then when that's done we would start the search.

Anyway it sounds like he was reacting emotionally to a stressful situation not literally saying that we need to move tomorrow. Probably when he's cooled down a bit from that you'll be able to have a proper discussion.

If you need to move eventually then it's just a case of when not if, so you'll need to figure out a plan whatever happens.

I couldn't marry someone who was this snobby about when their house was built.

Who said I was being snobby? That's your interpretation.

We've lived in a Victorian terrace for about ten years now. When we moved in we knew it needed work doing. We've had it rewired, we've had a new roof, new doors, new windows, new ceilings, new bathroom. It still needs repointing, has damp that needs looking at, needs a new kitchen, needs constant maintenance.

Because it's old nothing is straight, nothing is square, so many bad jobs are hidden so what you think is one job easily becomes two or three or four. I've done a lot myself here but mentally I've checked out on it. Your DH probably thinks the same. It gets tiring putting time and money and energy into it.

I would never have considered a new build prior to moving here. Just because typically you get less space for your money and new estates just feel a bit soulless. But I can well see the appeal of moving into somewhere that just needs a lick of paint.

I'd say as soon as one person wants it the clock is ticking. The last thing you want to do is wait until you're desperate to get out, because it could take a while.

I think the one that is miserable and desperate to move probably should make the initial decision if it is affecting their mental health. Not to say they should get the final say where to move to, that should be an equal decision. But if me or my DH were at the end of our tether about a living situation, if we could make it work financially then why wouldn’t we at least do our best to make the other person as ‘content’ as the other one was?

As has already been said there are plenty of houses in between a 100+ year old money pit and a soulless new build. Your DH doesn’t need to insist on going from one extreme to another!

I’m with your DH. I have moved from a new build to an older property and whilst I love the character and space we have here, it is alot more hassle than our new build ever was. I’m happy to spend the money because this is our forever home, but if I knew a move was on the cards, I’d be looking to do it sooner rather than later.

I do agree with PP that there is a certain snobbery around new builds. Not everyone has the capabilities or money to be pouring tens of thousands into renovating Victorian properties. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a new build home that you can come home and relax in without worrying that your boiler goes or that the electric bill is through the roof again.

Agreed. And I don’t care how well-insulated and non-crumbling they are, I don’t want to live in one.

I’m trying to think how it’s tended to work in our relationship, as we’ve moved a lot internationally, and it’s tended to be me getting bored or frustrated or moving jobs, and starting the idea. But that was between countries, or different parts of a country, we’ve never moved houses in the same location, for a bigger or smaller house. I wouldn’t move because something went wrong with the central heating.

If our house was genuinely making my dp miserable, I would agree to move. But it wouldn’t be to a new build estate. Maybe a compromise of some sort?

We lived in a 200yr old cottage when we first got married. It's was small & dark, coal fire, open stairs, no pavements, street lights or parking. Everything was a right pain the backside. We did it up over the years but it was a 2 up, 2 down that had nowhere to be extended. We spent so much money on repairs and upkeep. But DH loved it and I was not bothered enough to want to move. We lived there for 16yrs.

Then I fell pregnant. In those 16yrs there was now no chance at all of moving within the area due to cost. The house wasn't suitable for children and I insisted we moved. I also insisted on the area and type of house.

The sheer joy of walking into a house with central heating, nothing needed to fixed, we were the first owners, it was light, bright and beautiful. A new build on a new estate on the outskirts of a small town. It's now 25yrs later, we have spent very little money on the house bar aesthetics and upgrading the kitchen. It's warm, comfortable, easy to maintain. Shops & schools in walking distance, the countryside on our doorstep. DH was adamant that he would never live on an estate and never in a new build. But we have been very happy here, the boys friends are all nearby, everyone knows us, we have close friends on the estate. We don't always need a car to get about. It's just been very easy and we have had plenty of time and extra money to do things we love instead of always worrying about what needs to be fixed or maintained.

I love new builds. Always have 👍🏼 We have a house in the city that I bought new 23 years ago. Its large and hard and very expensive to heat which depresses me as it gets cold quickly, but I cannot bear the thought of selling it. Our house by the sea is only 6 years old, far better insulation etc and so easy and cheaper to heat etc, so Im with your DH on the moving part to a certain extent, but I do understand emotional ties to houses 🏡
its a hard one

Put it to the family vote. What do your DC think?
You could agree not to move unless you find a house you all would like to move to and start looking?

Sounds like you will take a while to agree on a new house to move into so start looking now.
It is a positive thing to do.