I am sick of living with anxiety

[misskellyb]

Anxiety. I’m fed up of it. I want to cry today because it’s overwhelming me.

It’s mainly health anxiety over my kids. I over analyse any small changes in their behaviours or any illness symptoms they have and connect it with something sinnister to the point I believe they’re both terminally ill. If it isn’t illness related then I believe something bad will happen to them. But I’m anxious over everything. I’m starting to lose my confidence driving places, which I’ve never had an issue driving places before. I’m even worrying over my own health, worrying that if something bad happens to me I won’t be around for my kids growing up. I keep imagining my life without one of my kids or even without both and I just can’t comprehend it at all.

The anxiety is debilitating. It’s actually paralysing me to the point I can’t move. It’s stopping me from being productive.

Doctor has prescribed sertraline after I basically begged for it after a visit to the doctors for bowel problems, which I had bloods for and assumed I had bowel cancer. When the bloods came back negative for anything sinister I thought maybe my bowel symptoms are due to severe anxiety, and the anxiety is now at a point it’s physically making me ill.

Background: I have had some mild/moderate untreated anxiety all of my life, since even being a child. Had a bad pregnancy with my first child where I was in intensive care and I wasn’t suspected to make it. Family were called to come and say possible goodbyes. Then when I recovered the waiting game was on to see if my baby would be ok. As he’s grown up he’s displaying autism traits and just started school. Since his birth it seems we’ve never been able to escape clinical settings with his autism traits, which probably doesn’t help my anxiety. He’s not really happy going to school and it’s heartbreaking. I think the trigger to why the anxiety is getting so bad lately is since he’s started school.

I wasnt able to complete CBT due to lacking childcare. I’ve attempted it twice. I don’t think it was even going to help me anyway with how severe my anxiety is. Since I don't have childcare options I have no life anymore. No friends. I’ve had to quit my job. And I never do anything for myself without the kids so I have a lot of time to live inside my head and over analyse every little detail when it comes to my kids happiness and health and have all the time in the world to let it spiral and ruminate over past traumas.

I’ve recently started studying again on an evening to try and motivate me and take my mind off of things. But some days I find my anxiety cripples me to the point I can’t do it. I spend my evenings staring at the walls or directly through the TV.

How do I get past this when every solution is basically impossible? Will this ever go away?

I really sympathise as I am similar. I was a very anxious child, my 20s were ok but once I had children my anxiety really ramped up. I’m now 56 and have had it most of my life. I’ve tried different medications- fluoxetine helps some and have had CBT which did given me strategies to help cope, but it still sometimes overwhelms me. I am sometimes sad that I’ve spent most of my life worried sick about things that have never happened. It is exhausting having this feeling of doom and constantly thinking in circles. It will probably not go away 100% but I would recommend trying cbt again or some other kind of therapy - it does help make it more manageable - ask about an option for doing it by zoom or similar if childcare is an issue. If the Sertraline isn’t helping that much you can try a different medication- sometimes it takes a while to find one that suits. Hope this helps some x

Oh OP you sound like me 4 months ago.

I got to a point that I felt physically ill, I couldn't eat ans lost 11kg in 3 weeks and started having panic attacks repeatedly.

I have been on 25mg sertraline for 3 months and although not gone away completely it feels so much more manageable. Side effects were horrible the first two weeks and slowly tapered off until week 8 and I have none now.

I am also doing resilience based CBT through work which has been really helpful, even to just have someone to talk to once a fortnight.

It can and will get better. How long have you been taking the sertraline?

@Allywill a lot of my anxieties have come to fruition which scares me. I sometimes believe my anxieties are just premonitions and if I ever dare be slightly happy then something will crash it down. I darent be happy as that as always means something bad is just around the corner. But I do worry that when I get older I'll be sick of the time I spent being anxious over the things that may not happen. I wish I could live in the moment. But I'm so far in to the past and so far in to the future it ruins my present.

I sympathise with you. Thank you for commenting x

I'm like this at the moment, my anxieties are all about my kids being involved in a future war. I think anxiety like this is awful and send you a lot of sympathy. I think that because it has roots in real life (ie illness jn your case) it's so hard to see it truly as anxiety and not as fully real. Or maybe it's more that we can't cope with the possibility of 'the thing' being there at all, no matter how unlikely it might be. I wish I had an answer OP

@MyLadyTheKingsMother not long. A couple of days. I got the prescription a week or two ago and just stared at the box at the side of my bed in fear. Crazy how the I'm scared and anxious over the medication that is meant to help treat anxiety.

Thanks for the element of positivity. I'm glad you're moving forwards and feeling better x

Also I completely identify with the fear of tempting fate by being happy.

@MisogMog that scares me too and it feels real with how the world is at the minute. I try to abstain from news, social media etc so I can't see what's going on in the world. Any horrible stories relating to children actually reduces time to tears. I feel like an absolute rubbish role model to my kids and I'm scared they'll pick up on my anxiety. I hope you feel better soon and can overcome your own anxieties too x

Yes I had that too. Petrified of taking the sertraline. I had to force myself to take it even though it gave me a panic attack because I was convinced that I would be the one to be hospitalised from taking it.

Hopefully your doctor said this but, be aware it can make you feel awful the first few weeks. It increased my anxiety terribly until one day about 16 days in I suddenly had a much better day.

Hopefully this happens sooner for you ❤️

Hi OP

Firstly, I found that the drugs really helped. So if you are looking at the side of the box wondering whether to take them, please at least try them.
They can take a couple of weeks to work.
They made a massive difference for me.

Like you, I have had some bad medical situations, and a lot of my anxieties have happened.

For that reason I was rejected for cbt, because apparently a lot of the basis for cbt is comparing the anxieties to reality and noticing that they don't happen which doesn't work so well if you are seriously ill and they do happen.

However, I have found other forms of therapy helpful and your gp may be able to refer you for something more useful.

The idea of tempting fate is really just “magical thinking” - CBT can give you strategies to help with that although I fully understand the feeling - for me I feel I need to be on alert all the time and if I am not then it will be my fault if something goes wrong.

OP you are heard!! You are seen!! A couple of years ago my anxiety was like this, more for my health than my child’s but I understand; it’s debilitating to say the least! I was prescribed sertraline but they turned me into an absolute living zombie so I stopped taking them and refused any further medication (due to past experiences also, been having episodes of ill mental health for nearly 20 years now). Like you I believed whole heartedly that my anxieties were premonitions and that I was never to feel happiness again!

Do you have a diagnosis of anything other than anxiety? You really should be assessed by a psychologist, I was lucky with the psychologist I was assigned he was literally the first medical professional to ever really listen to me! On top of my existing diagnosis of anxiety & depression I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and was able to attend group therapy sessions via Teams. Is there an IAPT service for your area (assuming you’re UK based?) or a similar service you can self refer to? Go and see you usual doctor by all means and have them refer you but doing a self referral at the same time can occasionally help speed up the initial contact and get the ball rolling.

Living in a mental prison is no life at all I greatly sympathise with you and taking the first step is always the hardest but it does get easier and it absolutely will get better!! There’s also an app which I used to use called I Am, it’s full of positive affirmations and has short mindfulness practices on there which I found really helpful so might be worth a shot?

Keeping a diary and enrolling on online course relating to understanding mental health and mental health conditions were also really helpful for me, I did this while on waiting lists for professional support/diagnosis. Having a greater understanding of disorders and why or how they occur can really help you in finding ways to manage without medications if like me you’re not a pharmaceutical fan!

when it come to mental health related illness there is nothing more powerful than your knowledge of it!

wishing you all the best 🫶🏻

I can also highly recommend the DARE app for anxiety and panic attacks.

I have been exactly where you are, I've suffered with anxiety for 19 years

This book has been a Godsend, I would recommend it and also following Dr Kirren on social media. She always says what I'm thinking/feeling and it's so reassuring to feel 'heard'.

Ten Times Calmer: Beat Anxiety and Change Your Life https://amzn.eu/d/5BxNR9J

@Aimz89 I don't even believe I have an official diagnosis of anxiety. I know full well I have anxiety, PTSD, depression and I'm even considering that I may have autism/adhd myself or even bipolar. I find myself getting really high and spending lots of money online to take my mind off of things, booking multiple days out with the kids or multiple holidays in one go, making large purchases for the kids play room all for a temporary high to navigate my anxious and depressed thoughts in to something happy and then the next day I come down hard and feel low. My main issue is the anxiety though.

Thank you for your advice I will look at all of them things. X

It sounds like you've been through a really tough time lately. When you are in the depths of anxiety it can feel like you're completely alone and you can't imagine a time when you're not overwhelmed by anxious thoughts, but it is possible to get better and not have every waking minute dominated by negative, anxious thoughts.

There are a lot of different medications and therapies available to treat anxiety, so if the first thing you try doesn't help you, please don't feel disheartened. You might have to keep going back to your GP but eventually you will get somewhere and may be referred to the community mental health team. I know it can wear you down and it isn't easy to advocate for yourself when you're already struggling mental - it's really the last thing you need.

I think mental health treatment options vary depending on where you live, but do you have IAPT where you are? I was able to self-refer for CBT via this service and they had options for in face, Zoom and phone sessions, or even just sessions you complete in your own time, so there may be options to fit around childcare.

I had a difficult time a few years ago - triggered by my husband's mental health problems and caring for him. Like you, I've always been a bit of an anxious person but this was a whole new level. I was waking up feeling sick and the first thought when I opened my eyes was "What if X happens today?" I was always shaky and my heart beat at 100 miles an hour. It's exhausting constantly having adrenaline running through your body. It's like that feeling when you've just had a fright and jumped out of your skin, but it's constant.

As well as the physical exhaustion, it's mentally and emotionally exhausting feeling like you never get a break from your brain because you can't concentrate on anything except the negative thoughts. I know this is more easily said than done, but try to give yourself a break from the thoughts if you can. Intense exercise works for me, or something that really engages your brain. Basically anything to get your thoughts to turn off for a while. Don't feel bad if you only manage a minute or so without the thoughts creeping in - just keep at it. The more you do it, the easier it will become, and your brain will learn to do things other than just rehash the same worries over and over again.

@IJustWantItToStop

Thank you for this. I'll take a look. I really can't keep doing this. I'm feeling that mentally exhausted today that my head is spinning and I feel physically sick. X

The bad things will happen regardless of whether or not you enjoy the happy times.

@hamustro

Thank you. And thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're in a better place now.

Yes totally advocating for myself is difficult when I feel like this. Especially when im a constant advocate for my child's needs. I am just fed up of healthcare professionals and the inside of medical settings that when it comes to me I just leave it. Until I have a wave of, omg what if I'm ill physically because X symptom has gone on for X amount of time, so then I'll go see the GP because I'm doing it for my kids, not me. It's hard getting to the GP as I have to bring my kids along to the appointments.

I need to find a way to be kind to myself for my kids sake. I basically live for them, live in fear of ever losing them and when they're asleep I punish myself mentally and sit in worry. X

@misskellyb I know how you feel, it is unlike anything you can ever describe to someone who hasn't experienced it

Keep going, hang in there, you've got this and it will get better xx

@RedHelenB this is very true. I try and tell myself this. I try and remind myself not to worry over situations beyond my control. But it's hard to believe that when it comes from my own head so I ignore it. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling happy. God I'm a mess.
Thank you x

Stick with the sertraline. It takes a couple weeks to fully kick in. It’s changed my life, and made me a happier person and better parent.

you just described me a few years ago! Got myself into quite a bit of debt doing exactly these things too….

Mental health looks so different for everybody but for me having a formal diagnosis was really just about naming my demon, thinking of it like this helped I’m not sure why it just did!

funnily enough when I first saw the psychologist he did say that one of his initial thoughts was autism as it presents very differently in females. I was also given a diagnosis ‘in pencil’ of bipolar about 16 years ago and have just recently been told that it is still something they suspect.

Complex PTSD is a fairly new addition to the DSM-5 (the diagnostic book the pros use) and due to so many pros not being aware of C-PTSD or lacking knowledge in it a lot of people are misdiagnosed. I’m aware this happens in a lot of cases as so many disorders have overlapping symptoms.

Please do seek help getting a diagnosis, you deserve it! You deserve a break, you deserve to feel happiness, you deserve to breathe easily and enjoy your children and your children deserve to enjoy you! There is so much more information and support out there now, it does take time of course and self help, awareness & knowledge is in my opinion the best stuff out there! In the mean time of taking the medication helps you, take it! If you find other coping mechanisms that help you, use them!

You've suffered far too long from the sounds of it and it’s time to get you the life you deserve! 🫶🏻

@Aimz89 yes, the debt! This resonates. I've also had to limit and block myself from gambling sites. Luckily I was never that bad, but I'd spend more than I could afford and recognised it was a problem that could spiral and I put a stop to it very quickly. But I realised I was seeking something by gambling and was worried that one day that extra £10 I'd spend for that temporary fix, would become £100 and then become another factor of anxiety in my life. I'm actually quite proud that I was able to do this and I'm lucky I'm aware of when my mental health is declining. Just clearly struggling to find a way to manage it.

Thanks so much for your replies. They're so helpful.

I'm sorry if my responses are vague right now x

You deserve to be taken seriously and receive help for your anxiety for your children's sake, but also for your own sake. Don't ever feel like you're nagging the GP or anything - sometimes you have to push to get what you want/need. There is a whole range of help out there but sometimes getting past the GP gatekeeper can really difficult. Keep going back to them and eventually something will get done x

Please try Dr Claire Weekes and her method. The best way is with audiobooks - if you’ve got Audible you can get Hope and Help For Your Nerves and Freedom From Nervous Suffering (the latter is free). Also read Self Help For Your Nerves. There’s repetition across the titles but it’s helpful.

What you need to do is listen to the audiobooks over and over again until the message sinks in. Basically it’s ‘loosen and accept’. Loosen the tight physical hold you have on yourself. Accept how you feel, don’t fight it.

it is a radically simple method that takes a bit of time to get to grips with but it really works.

It is sensible to take the Sertraline as well, and follow medical advice. CBT is worth doing, but in the grip of anxiety it is hard to do as it involves quite a lot of thinking plus it’s so hard to trust yourself when you’re anxious.

Dr Weekes explains anxiety in really simple terms and helps demystify it. The fact that the books were written and recorded a while ago gives them an old fashioned vibe which I find fun and reassuring.

Please try it, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You don’t need to suffer as you are, nor slog through lots of difficult therapy or learning when you are so overtired and on edge (it might be useful later). It’s very cheap to buy the book(s) and audiobook too.

if it’s any consolation a few things I absolutely dreaded have happened to me and I handled them quite well. It’s the exhaustion and the FEAR that is so debilitating. Good luck 💐