To remove my 3 year old from nursery?

[Gladdenme]

My DS is 3 later this month and I’m getting bad reports from nursery. This was a problem when he was younger but it bas settled. However I had a baby in the summer and he’s been struggling since then.

I feel he probably feels pushed out. I am wondering what to do as it isn’t improving. My options are to pull him out completely or try him in another setting or to carry on as we are but that option is really not working. Feeling a bit rubbish.

What kind of reports?

id say he’s acting up due to the new baby so removing him further from routine won’t be helpful. You also have to figure out where to place him next

id speak to nursery and see what plan / support they can put in place for him

a child at my DD’s nursery was in a very similar situation, they implemented a plan for him and his behaviour has come on so beautifully. There is hope OP!

Agree with pp, but you need to be more specific on the issues.

A new baby is a time of huge change. Is he getting decent time with you when he's not at nursery? I wouldn't pull him out, it will only make things harder for you.

It will also be much harder for him to settle later, into pre-school or Reception, IMHO.

Also, remember everything with kids is a phase. Don't feel rubbish.

Yeah, I wouldn't pull him out. If he is having issues due to having to get used to a new baby, it will unsettle him even more to pull him out of a setting that he knows well.

Thanks for replying. I’m concerned because it doesn’t seem to be improving, it’s getting worse if anything. I’m just wondering if a fresh start is needed? He’s pushing, hitting and biting.

Whilst it's unpleasant, it's not 'unusual' for kids to regress when a new baby comes along. It's hard to deal with.

Having worked as a nanny for 25 years, I promise you, keeping him in his routine is the best thing you can do for him.

My DC are now 46 and 44 but OMG life was difficult when the new baby arrived and the 2 year old must have felt completely displaced. If was incredibly difficult and I was so unhappy. I didnt feel I was doing anything right. No family near. Husband working long hours.
I would say continue with nursery and ask for their help. How many hours is he there? Can you pick up and drop off without the baby? Leave baby with friend/husband/family. Can you factor in some time alone with your 3 year old? Dont expect the 3 year old to love the baby. He must feel like you would if your husband said I have brought home a new wife for you to love and "play with". She can share your kitchen. Over my dead body I would say.
Ignore the bad behaviour praise the good.
My sympathies. A 2 or 3 year space is so tricky. A bigger age difference is easier.

But you will get through it. Its just so tough at the time.

I would try to deal with it within the nursery if you don't have other concerns about them. Starting in a new one is unlikely to magically solve things unless e.g. there is a bully that he is reacting to or an overly harsh/lax behaviour policy etc (and these can also be dealt with within the nursery unless it's a really crap nursery).

Can they identify any patterns or triggers for the behaviour? For example, is it happening at particular times, or towards particular children? Do they think it might be related to e.g. hunger, tiredness, overstimulation e.g. when it is particularly busy and noisy?

How is his speech? Sometimes children who are speech delayed get overly frustrated because they can't communicate. Any other developmental concerns, is everything on track? The nursery should be doing EYFS monitoring so should have an idea of where he is developmentally. You could also run through something like the ASQ at home with him. This is the one you need (If link doesn't work, google "ASQ 36 months": https://www.chkd.org/uploadedFiles/Documents/Pediatric/ASQ3%20-%2036%20Month.pdf

What is their response when he does something like this? Do they have a discipline policy? Are they noting other behavioural concerns or is it just lashing out?

How long has this been happening?

It’s really hard to know. How have they been dealing with it? Do you trust them? Are they supportive?

I was never ‘sure’ about mine and found one I liked the look of better. Changed him and it was a game changer. Mine also ended up having sen needs and the second nursery understood that.

His behaviour is just awful though and nursery isn’t helping. I feel like something has to change but I don’t know what?

Thing is he's going to have to go to school so there's no point taking him out to just put him back in later. Could you make sure you have time alone with just him?

No - it’s so hard and I’m feeling like a complete failure. He’s so unhappy.

Exactly what about his behaviour is awful? Have you had a meeting with the nursery to put a plan in place or asked them for support?

I’ve asked what they would like us to do at home and haven’t really had any answers.

It’s got a nice setting but not sure it’s right at the moment.

His world has been turned upside down. Lots of children behave badly when a new sibling arrives. Removing him from nursery will just mean yet more change for him. He needs routine, firm boundaries, consequences for bad behaviour, plenty of praise for good behaviour, and one on one time with you when not at nursery. If he has behaved well he gets a nice treat - leave baby with Dad/GP and have a nice afternoon with him (perhaps something Christmassy?) This is a phase and it will pass. He (most probably) won't be a thug at 15 still thumping his classmates at secondary.

Is there a reason you're not saying what his behaviours are? If you did, you might get some good ideas of how to manage them on here, as well as how to approach the nursery for help/whether it's worth exploring other settings for him.

I have typed it above @Pizzalover46 ubkess it didn’t send?

Yes I did - there

Hi op honestly it sounds like you are very unhappy with the situation and need to trust your gut. I agree that generally changing settings can be difficult but if they are being that unhelpful and he is miserable then it can honestly help to try somewhere new.
Do you have anywhere else in mind?
Also do you think the setting is too intense or sensory overload for him?

Hi OP, this 'emotion coaching parent' method has been a game changer for a very troubled 5 yo at my son's school:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/

I had to put time and effort in with my eldest when DC2 came along, it's so worth it. Do a few bedtimes with him with your OH or a good friend looking after the baby, tell him how much you love him and how proud you are of him...

If you don't sort it now then when?

Best of luck x

Yes, agreed something needs to change. But I don't think changing the nursery will help much, because the current nursery at least have all the history of what's been previously happening. I would try to discuss with the nursery to see if you can get to the bottom of what's going on for him.

Can you make an appointment to speak to them? Does he have a key worker? Speak to your health visitor perhaps?

I would basically be wanting to find out the answers to the questions:

Is there a developmental concern? If so, that should be investigated as he may need further support in that area (such as speech therapy, for example).

Is the nursery a safe/supportive environment? Can I speak to them and communicate, are they writing him off as "bad" or do they want to support him as I do? (If they are not supportive, this might be a reason to change). If they are supportive, can we try different disciplinary approaches over a period of time, maybe consilidating home/nursery to see if anything is effective?

Is he being bothered by another child at nursery? Is the nursery aware of any social dynamics playing out?

Is he perhaps sensitive and needs more support in the area of e.g. listening to his body signals (e.g. my 5yo will start to behave badly when he needs to go to the toilet. If we notice and prompt him to go to the toilet, it helps the behaviour and helps avoid accidents). Can the nursery be more proactive here?

Is he eating enough at nursery, can they support him better with this if not?

Is he sleeping well? Can I support him better with this if not?

Is nursery too much/too overstimulating? Can they offer any kind of support e.g. a quiet area to retreat to? If he's in full time, is it worth cutting down his hours? (This is one situation where changing setting MIGHT be helpful if it's a particularly busy nursery, he can't cope with the current environment, or there is a quieter alternative).

Is it too understimulating - is he bored or not getting enough exercise/outdoor time? Is this something they can offer more of if so? (Again may be a reason to change setting if this is a problem and can't be changed).

Are there potential sensory issues? Is this something the nursery can support with?

Sorry, I totally missed that post! This is completely expected and normal behaviour for 3 year old to be honest, especially one getting used to a new sibling. It certainly shouldn't be a surprise for nursery staff. Some PP have put some really good resources but if you want to give the nursery a shot, if be a bit more firm and insist on a meeting so you can all come up with a plan for tackling his behaviour consistently across nursery and home settings.

How many days a week does he go to nursery?

Is he in nursery full time? Could you pull back on the amount of time he’s there as a middle ground?

Do you have support which means someone can watch baby and once a week you and DS have 1 on 1 time doing something he’d like?

Thanks.
I have no one to have the baby. I do agree that is probably the source of some of the problems but I just don’t have anyone to have her.

He is three days at nursery. I just feel that they don’t really like him to be honest. The biting started at about 17 months, it peaked and then seemed to stop other than the occasional incident. I’ve had no support with potty training or his behaviour. I do feel let down.

You're not happy. He is not happy. I'd move him. Life is too short for this misery. You need to find a supportive setting that will work with you. The baby wasn't here seventeen months ago when the behaviour started. I agree that the first thing you should do before deciding is meet with his key worker or the nursery manager to ascertain exactly what their plan is to help him if he stays there x