Here for traffic. Thanks for taking an interest.
I have very good reasons to end my marriage, but there are reasons against that I think are prohibitive, even if not 'good', iyswim. Seeking advice on whether I got this wrong and how to manage situation.
Very briefly put, I'd be better off having husband out of my head, but am certain he would weaponise the kids (16, 14, 10) in a divorce - scapegoat me, demand proof of loyalty from them, make every joint decision adversarial.
Can't see a safe way to disentangle our lives without them getting their heads messed with. I know my current unhappiness messes with their heads too, but I can mitigate that better than husband acting out. I think.
Longer version.
Marriage never recovered from husband's attempt to bully me into ending unplanned third pregnancy. This child just turned ten, good relationship with dad and doesn't know what went on before his birth. Didn't leave then because I wanted kids to grow up together (sisters very affectionate with little brother).
Husband does more family work than many and interacts with kids a lot. But also picks the nice bits of work and manipulates kids/uses them to seek affirmation. Gets competitive with me, tries to 'beat' me at parenting tasks (which he sometimes admits and sometimes denies). Can't quite grasp the fact that the sun doesn't shine out of his behind.
Middle daughter has fallen down the gender rabbit hole, claims to be a boy, getting treatment for depression. We accept her new name and pronouns but she knows I don't 'believe' in gender identity. Dad doesn't either, but avoids saying so, coward. Her misery is the only thing that makes him seriously doubt himself, though.
She's a very empathetic person and I think seeing me struggle is a big part of the reason why she refuses to grow up into a woman. So I've got to enable myself to do better.
Oldest daughter is dad's sock puppet, tells me off for not being more enthusiastic about him, I can't do anything right. Youngest very kind and accommodating, wants us all to get along.
I'm particularly scared that the story of the third pregnancy would leak out in a separation. How would I handle that?
Current 'plan' is to step back emotionally, care less, but be compassionate with everyone (yes, even dickhead husband). Also do less; let husband take on menial stuff. Re-examine situation once youngest daughter is better and oldest independent.
The biggest worry: younger daughter not getting better under current circumstances. Any thoughts?