Are you toxic?

[Surprisedtobetoxic]

If so, do you know why?

Been accused of this by my DSIS1 which has surprised me. She’s always been the fiery one in the family and I’m usually more easy going so I don’t normally incur her wrath but i defended my DSIS2 in a petty argument (mildly I think) which has triggered a barrage of nasty messages stating that I’m the most toxic person in the family and have subsequently been blocked.

I’m not entirely sure how to handle it or even what to apologise for (assuming she unblocks me at some point). I’m annoyed that I’m Googling “toxic traits” as I’m feeding the baby at this hour and thinking my DSIS1 sounds sodding way more toxic than me.

People often judge others by their own measure.

Toxic people usually create trouble where harmony could be found with wiser reactions, they act out of selfish reasons instead of the good of the group. They have developed terrible coping strategies, and often can't take criticism constructive or otherwise.
If you're response was to defend a child from that kind of attitude you're not likely to be the main issue I'd say.

She's a drama queen. If she has blocked you, enjoy the peace and quiet.

People are often unaware of their toxic traits. It takes a lot of insight to be aware of them...

It's possible that the relationship between you is toxic and she perceives that as being your fault as much as you perceive it being hers.

She’s angry you didn’t stay ‘easy-going’ and stood up to her. You changed the narrative of her always her being the right.

I feel the term “toxic” is now banded about far too much by people that just don’t like what you say about them or the way you stand up for yourself and don’t put up with BS.

Same with “gaslighting” these days, it’s usually the gaslighTER that calls gaslighting first to prevent the victim calling them out and spin other people’s perspective on what’s happened.

In my experience, it's usually the more toxic people that go around labelling others as "toxic".

Having said that, I don't think there are toxic people so much as there are toxic relationships. It's become such a buzz word that gets thrown around very liberally, but there aren't really many people who could be described as completely toxic. It's usually more so down to the dynamics within a particular individual social relationship.

There were times when I was younger, far less self aware and in a very poor place mentally, that I was definitely quite toxic to some people. But during that same time there were people in my life I wasn't toxic towards. For me, the toxicity simply stemmed from not knowing how to manage my mental health, and that manifesting in ways that negatively impacted some of the people closest to me.

I like @wesurecouldstandgladioli ’s take on the situation.

I think the fact you’re considering the validity of her comments suggests you’re able to take criticism on board if you think it might be warranted – doesn’t sound like a poisoned mind to me?

If someone treated me the way she’s treated you, I’d feel bewildered and hurt and angry at the injustice. In fact I feel angry on your behalf!

It’s interesting that she’s imagined some family toxicity ranking system…

Sounds like she's projecting OP. If you really were 'toxic' you wouldn't be worrying and examining your own behaviour after being labelled as such. A toxic person would just lash out with abuse in response.

Thanks everyone. Woken up feeling a little more positive today. I think @wesurecouldstandgladioli is right and I think she was taken aback by my involvement when I usually play peacekeeper. Sleep deprivation with a newborn has made me a little less tolerant recently!

Maybe it is our relationship that she finds toxic rather than me as a person. I hadn’t thought of it in that way. I know a source of frustration for her is that she holds on to a lot of anger and resentment towards our parents for some aspects of our childhood and finds it difficult that I don’t feel exactly the same way. I’ve listened to the same conversations so many times and sympathised with her feelings but her memories are of an abusive, dreadful childhood and it’s hard to have a balanced conversation with her when she accuses me of gaslighting her when I say I don’t remember certain events in the way she tells them. I try to be fair and accept that my memories are probably not entirely accurate either but some of the stuff she says is in such stark contrast to my memory of the event it’s like we had two entirely different upbringings.

I think people who use the word "toxic" to describe others often have issues themselves.

Things can get heated between siblings, it doesn't mean anyone is "toxic".

I think you need to put yourself in her shoes to understand. Perhaps she has felt attacked before and you didnt step in?

Maybe she perceives that you dont fight with her when you are pissed off with her so she doent think you have an honest relationship?

What do you think she values in herself and others and do you fit that mould?

Not blaming you here.

I think her behaviour has made it clear who is actually the toxic one.

Enjoy the peace.

I’ve been told I’m “difficult”. Imo (validated by other normal people) this is code for not indulging or accommodating bad behaviour.

‘Toxic’ is a meaningless and overused term for something that essentially means ‘experienced as not very nice’.

People just like it because it suggests the person is objectively awful, just as, say, arsenic is always toxic at a certain dosage. Whereas, most of the time, a person who is experienced as unpleasant and damaging by one person, is neutral or a delight as experienced by someone else. Hardly anyone is experienced as awful by literally everyone in their life.

Exactly. This is my point. You’re experienced as ‘difficult’ by some people. Other people think you’re great. It’s not an objective situation.

‘Toxic’. Not sure what exactly counts as toxic, as none of us are perfect. I have never been called a toxic person, I have never gone NC with anyone, and I am on happy terms with my family and friends.

But I am far more self-aware now than I was when I was younger and looking back I can identify some ‘toxic’(?) behaviours. Here are some incidents of bad behaviours that I have been guilty of:

• Blaming another person for the way I felt and making them feel bad if they didn’t live up to my expectations.

• Making out I was a more of a victim than I really was to garner sympathy.

• Taking people for granted and making out they were being selfish for not going along with my ideas.

• Putting others down, because it made me feel like I had the upper hand.

Not regularly, but once or twice, and these are incidents that stand out to me where I wish I had behaved differently.

Why did I behave in this way? Insecurity, immaturity, poor emotional literacy.

We all live and learn. I am always trying to be a better friend, sister, daughter etc. and hopefully going in the right direction. I don’t think I am ‘toxic’ but flawed like everyone else. I think that anyone who thinks they have never behaved badly is not seeing themselves clearly.

My brother married a woman who seems very toxic

She hates me with a passion-every single trait she has,she pushes onto me

From gaslighting to telling lies (she seems to make something up in her head,tells people the story as the truth about me,as in her head it is)

She thinks nothing of putting me down and goes around telling everyone that any flaws she has,are actually mine

The worst bit Is,I've never met her-i could trip over her in the street and wouldn't know who she is-I know very little about her (by choice-i dont care)

It seems that because our mother is a narcissist my brother married one