To be struggling to cope

[Emeraldrings]

I'm struggling at the moment. One DD who is 15, she has autism and is having regular meltdowns due to the stress of her GCSEs.
My youngest has suspected autism and his behaviour this weekend has been something else. He has been throwing food around, having screaming fits, meltdowns at bedtime. He's non verbal so I'm not sure if it was due to frustration or he isn't feeling well or just a bad couple of days.
I have an older daughter as well and I feel guilty because she doesn't get a lot of time or attention although I do try.
On top of working 35 hours a week and trying to help look after my mum who has alzheimer's I feel so tired all the time.
I feel totally drained and I just don't how other people carry on. Other people who have children with SEN, seem to cope so well and I just feel like I'm drowning.
How do other parents cope?

I don’t have much advice I’m afraid but didn’t want to read and run.

It sounds like a very stressful situation and you urgently need a break - I’m not sure that’s a possibility but you really do need it.

Are things normally like this or is it a particularly rough period due to the GCSE build up?

Thanks for the reply. The exams have had a negative impact on DD for certain. She can be a bit up and down with her emotions anyway but it had been worse since September. She won't (or can't) explain when she's feeling stressed or worried so she masks it until something happens and she can't contain it anymore. She's not had meltdowns like this since before she was diagnosed. Her usual outlet for her feelings is kickboxing but lately even this doesn't calm her like it used to.
DS this weekend has been a really bad one and its a struggle because he can't talk and doesn't use Makaton or flashcards.
There is no real way of getting a break. Family are either elderly, disabled or have their own children and jobs.
I have DH and he does get more of a break because he finishes work at 3 and me and DS don't get home until 6:30 and DD usually doesn't get home until 4:30.
He also listens to football on the radio and plays Xbox on Saturday afternoon upstairs. That's his time which used to be fine but isn't really now (but I get he needs down time). If I took 3 hours for myself we would barely have any family time left.
I just feel so so drained andhavea permanent headache. I feel pulled in about 8 different directions and nothing really gets my full attention.

You sound totally overwhelmed & that's completely understandable. Does your DH fully understand the pressure you're under?

Honestly GCSE and exam seasons are the worst so I really do feel for your daughter. As well as the pressure that puts on you at home. Have you spoken to her teachers to see if they could give her some extra support and pastoral care.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but your husband needs to step up. He needs down time? What about you! Once patterns like this get established it’s hard to change them but him having 3 hours to relax after work every day is not on.

You need an honest conversation with him as a first step in managing how challenging it’s become for you with your non verbal son too. You are only human and need help so you don’t become completely burnt out.

Far too many women shoulder the responsibility and get on with it but having a partner should mean you get help and support.

Do you think he’d do that and listen to you?

I’m hoping other SN parents may be able to offer you some tips 💐

He says he does and that he feels stressed too. He doesn't seem to understand that he gets more time to himself than I do. Because he gets that bit of time I'm not sure he completely gets how I feel.

Yes because by the time you get home from work and with the children he’s had a break and recharged. So he doesn’t get it, he needs to experience it and be more involved to understand that you need a lot of support.

Things need to change, he’s probably ducking his head in the sand.

If your relationship is otherwise good, an honest conversation needs to be had.

Does he help when there’s meltdowns?

He doesn't understand, that's not to say he's being mean or anything but there's a disconnect. I used to feel envious of DH having a quiet car journey to work, he didn't understand the value of something that was so ordinary to him, but at my tiredest & lowest, the idea of every half an hour alone in the car was bliss. It wasn't till I REALLY spelled it out to him that the penny dropped.

It sounds like your managing the complexities around your children BUT you NEED to squeeze in a bit of quiet. One of my customers turns up before her time slot half an hour early & just sits in her car on her phone - because it's the only break she gets. She does it every time.

Is there any way for you to work that into your week?

There is no free time. I work in the nursery with DS so I take him to nursery, do a full day, then pick him up and take him home. So I don't even get a commute free.
Once he's in bed I'm usually dealing with DD2 and trying to squeeze in time with DD1.
I just don't understand how other people with the same issues don't seem totally frazzled whereas I feel like a walking zombie most of the time.

Your doing amazing working too as well as caring (though you probably don't have a choice). I went pt after my second breakdown due to caring for my sen kids.

That's tough. My wife and I share weekend cover for kids but then alternate the evenings, so every other evening we get a rest. Usually she just goes to bed with a book and nods off! We have 2x kids, one possibly with ADHD. Get a trampoline when it warms up next year, changed our world this year!

Hand on heart, anyone in your situation will be frazzled. It's really really hard, so don't feel like there's something wrong with you, cos there definitely is not.

It may sound extreme but could you change the nursery you work at?

OP. No parent with ASD child is the same as you. If you need to recharge and it sound like you do, please communicate it to your “D”H.He needs topick up the slack otherwise your family/marriage life is going to suffer. No if’s,but’s or excuses accepted.
As for people looking that they “are alright”. Some of them are not. I have to put a front “I’m ok” face when all my life is crumbling, it’s hard.