Mum and husband commentary

[freyf]

People seem to love telling me how to run my life. Particularly my husband and my mum. They seem to think they know best and I seem to have two constantly running commentaries on how, why, who,when and what to do.

I want to scream sometimes when I am fed another 'well your job is pointless, it's a nothing business and you're wasting your time, you need to go and get a huge paying job so you can pay for trips around the world for your kids, they are only young once and you are missing out' this from my husband.

I have set up a successful business running it around my 4 & 8 year old so I can do all pick ups and drops, plays, illness days etc. but apparently that is not enough. I earn the same as my husband in this business. Constantly told you need to do this, that. Like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!

From my mum. 'You really need to start paying more attention to your home, you've got to sort your bedroom out it looks like a squat (it doesn't), really need to pay more attention to this and that' 'you need to really start thinking about this/that/blahghhh' all of it totally superficial and nothing that will impact the happiness of myself or my kids.

Just the fucking constanttttt commentary. Telling me this and that. I just bite my lip to keep the peace as it can just spiral into conflict.

I would never fucking DREAM of telling someone how to live their life.

Why do people do this? Fucks me off so much!

And anyone got any polite replies when people start commenting on my own life choices.

I would stop biting your lip.

Point out to your DH that you earn the same as him , and you do all the other stuff. What about him getting a huge paying job too?

With your Mum, just don't let her see your room!

I can think of a lot of possible replies, but polite ones is a bit more problematic...

For the husband, you could agree enthusiastically and then ask how you are going to share the child management between you both so you can work full time, or are you going to share the cost of a nanny (be ready with some cost illustrations)? If he doesn't work out pretty quickly that it is not actually going to be worth his while to make either of these changes then he's even dafter than he sounds and can safely be ignored.

Mothers are trickier. As long as you're sure she doesn't have a useful point I'd probably just wave an airy hand and say "it's fine". This is what DS does to me and it quite shuts me up. But if it doesn't shut her up: "it's fine, we're fine, it's all absolutely fine, really mum, stop worrying". Maybe let an edge creep into the voice after the third time.

Or knock their heads together and switch the business to laying patios, starting with your own.

Stop biting your lip to keep the peace. I know that this is tempting, because you just want it to end and to pass over quickly, but it doesn't work. The same type of comments come up again. The rage builds up in you more and more, because the issue is never dealt with and keeps coming up. It is irritating in its own right, but with repetition will build up for you further into an issue disproportionate to itself.

Remember that there's no peace to keep. The peace would have been not making these kinds of comments in the first place. They stepped over that line first. They're making you unhappy and picking at you. Why should they get to do that and make you unhappy unopposed, but you can't say anything to them about it in response?

It's better to have one or two more open fights about this than to live with resentment and have it build up as it comes up again and again.

I would be tempted to say to your husband that you'll consider his advice useful when he speaks from a position of pulling his weight. Given that you contribute 50% of the money and presumably more than 80% at least of everything else, actually you feel more suited to giving advice than receiving it. So if he'd just prostrate himself at your feet and listen to your pearls of wisdom, you'll proceed...

With your mum, I'd zone out and start to hum "It's my life" by Bon Jovi whenever she starts giving unwelcome "advice".

I wouldn t wait for an incident to react, because you d be on the defensive, and emotionally affected, not the best setup.

I would actually take the initiative: tell them once, clearly, calmly and briefly : "I find the way you talk to me you too judgemental, I would sincerely appreciate if you stopped"

And I would avoid any further discussion about the topics, leave the room, repeat the same script over and over again, don t get caught into a discussion or emotional display, grey stone, keep it brief, power doesn t run at the mouth, keep it together, let them react and tire themselves out for once...

Why bite your lip? Just set your husbands hat on straight. Tell him you run a successful business around the childcare, of which I assume you do the majority, and you earn the same as him. Tell him that he needs to go out and find a better paid job if he is concerned not enough money is coming in

as to your mother I would simply say that’s not correct mum, and please stop bringing it up. If she does just say I asked you not to say anything and walk away, each and every time