Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to spend time with my parents

17 replies

Whatsnewonnetflix · 12/11/2023 20:19

They’re early 70’s, good health at the moment, but I’m always conscious of how many years we have left.
I live abroad and the lifestyle is amazing for my Dd, but I just miss not being around them weekly at least. I see them on average 3 times per year-every 3/4 months or so, could you cope with this? Would you move to be closer to them?
Keep panicking about how many years I have left with them

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsnewonnetflix · 12/11/2023 20:26

Feel like I’m choosing between a lifestyle and future for my Dd and my parents

OP posts:
PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 13/11/2023 03:23

I'm sorry that nobody has responded to your thread OP, that is unusual.

I would take this as a sign that it's time to move back, personally. Even if just for a year or two. It sounds to me like it will be something you'll regret for the rest of your life if you don't.
Or could you feasibly make 6 months here & 6 months there, work? I realise not everyone could.
How about asking your parents to come live wherever you are?

Oblomov23 · 13/11/2023 03:53

Can they come to you for a holiday? I phone my mum once a week or so. I tell her everything. But I only visit every few months. That isn't that uncommon. What can you change practically wise?

SallyWD · 13/11/2023 09:44

I understand completely. I'm in same country as my parents (UK) but an eight hour drive away. I probably see them every two to three months. I really wish I could see them more. They're now old and frail (particularly my dad who needs a lot of support from my mum) and I feel the most awful guilt that I can't do more to help them. I also feel sad at how little time they have left. Is there any chance you can visit more often or they could visit you sometimes?

sixthvestibule · 13/11/2023 10:16

I was in a very similar situation and decided to move back. It made everyone miserable. My parents didn’t actually see that much of me, because although I now lived closer, I was still just as busy - but their expectations of me were now much higher. Meanwhile my entire lifestyle had changed and I was in a place where I didn’t really want to be. I moved away again after a few years and now I just make sure that when I visit my parents they get my undivided attention and we have proper quality time when we are together.

BeckhamSeven · 13/11/2023 10:30

I agree with PP - I think it's a sign that you feel you should move back.

BeethovenNinth · 13/11/2023 10:32

I don’t know. It seems part of life that you move from your parents. More the norm. How much will you have to give up to move back?

can you easily get back to your old life again?

SallyWD · 13/11/2023 10:35

Moving back isn't always an option sadly. I would absolutely love to move back but my DH has a very specialised career and his job is only available in certain places. We've asked if my parents would move closer to us but they've made it very clear they're staying put.

pippapipps · 13/11/2023 18:45

Exactly the same situation as you op.. I think about it every day since covid I feel so sad and guilty for moving away I try to push the thoughts away because it makes me cry so much
My parents are mid and late seventies I try to visit as much as possible but my mum in particular gets so upset and sad when I leave as do I, my dad tries not to show it but I've caught him wiping his eyes once or twice

Although I have a sibling that lives near them unfortunately their job means they are not home a lot so they don't have much free time
They're very lonely especially my mum and I feel it's my fault

whiteduvetcover · 13/11/2023 18:58

I'd personally move back. Your DD has a good lifestyle but nothing beats having a close relationship with your grandparents/parents.

I lost my mum when she was mid 70s and in seemingly good health. In the morning we were chatting on the phone and by the evening she was gone. Not saying that to fearmonger but just to say if I could do it again, I'd soak up every minute with her. 😊

ModeWeasel · 13/11/2023 19:01

YANBU. My dad dropped dead in his 70s, no real warning was spritely and active and living his best life. I am so so grateful for making the effort to spend time with him before that.

Doingmybest12 · 13/11/2023 19:03

How old is your child, how long have they lived in the current place, how many moves have they had in their lives. Have they friends and a life etc. I think you need to balance it out rationally and make the best decision for your daughter.

tokesqueen · 13/11/2023 19:32

I'd prioritise your lifestyle and more importantly your future for your DD. And surely your parents would want you to do that for you and your family too.
And I say that as someone who lost both parents well before 70.

Chipsahoyagain · 13/11/2023 19:35

BeckhamSeven · 13/11/2023 10:30

I agree with PP - I think it's a sign that you feel you should move back.

Really? And uproot her dd and her future? Oh and
Sod the dh, he needs to just do it too.

Blossomingx · 13/11/2023 21:29

Is it difficult to move back, would you/DP be able to find work easily etc if you moved back? Weigh up the pros and cons and logistics of moving and the impact on DD and her schooling/life.
If it wouldn't be too difficult I would personally advise you to take the chance and move, even if it's for a short while. Like a few of the pp's my father passed on, he was healthy, not yet 70 and passed so suddenly. Honestly, make the most of your parents whilst they're alive.

If you can't move that's understandable too. Maybe find more opportunities to connect with your parents, however you do it it will be time well spent. Wishing you and your family all the best OP💕

Octavia64 · 13/11/2023 21:32

Is there a way you can build closer relationships without moving back?

I don't know how old your DD is - would she like to for example learn to play chess or scrabble online with your parents?

FaceTime calls?

Do your parents do texting and photos? Is there a common interest that could be built on?

Amyalexandrer · 13/11/2023 21:35

I would move back. I've recently made a move that means I'm 1 hour 15 minute drive away from my parents and I feel guilty enough about that to be honest. I see them weekly but they have to make that journey every week, and I wish they were able to be part of DC's lives in the way they could pick up from school and pop round and take them somewhere rather than a weekly trip.
There's no way I could be abroad, but it all depends on individual circumstances and different relationships.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page