To think I can still find somewhere to belong?

[rooktakesqueen]

35, single and living in suburbia.

I always imagined by now I would have a husband and at least two children, but life hasn't panned out that way and I find myself divorced and very much alone with no prospect of having kids.

I've been dating (voraciously!) for the best part of three years in the hopes of meeting someone new, but I've had no luck and have no reason to believe that is about to change. I think a significant factor is that I moved to a quiet little village in the suburbs when I married and now that I'm single again, and older, there are actually very few eligible single men in this part of the country.

I feel desperately lonely. The handful of friends I have are all married with baby no.2 on the way and although they're great they're understandably too busy raising kids to meet up more than once every 2-3 months. It's very hard to make new friends here for the same reason. I try to get out a lot, attend events, try new hobbies, keep myself busy, smile at strangers etc, but everyone here is in their own little domestic bubble and I can't blame them.

The thought of this being it for me for the rest of my life is terrifying. I want to feel like part of a family, or a community at least. I want to have people to come home to and friends to go out with. I want someone to text me from the shop to ask which flavour juice I'd like them to bring home...or "are we still doing X tonight?". I don't feel young anymore but I don't feel old either, and I still have so many cultural things I want to explore creatively. I'd love to be able to invite a friend out at short notice to watch a band...or to be able to go into my local pub and know that there'll be people there I know.

On social media I often see these communal collectives of 8-10 young single creatives living in a bougie warehouse in Brixton, cooking meals together and helping eachother out with their projects like some modern day episode of Friends. I'm aware social media can be misleading but obviously examples of this do exist.

I'm seriously toying with the idea of selling my house in the suburbs and moving to a large university town about 90 minutes away where there is a more youthful vibe and more going on.

Pros:

• more cultural activities
• more people, full stop!!! (and therefore hopefully new friends??)
• a better chance of meeting single men my own age
• a fresh start

Cons:

• Probably have to downsize
• Much less convenient for work
• I'd be moving at least an hour away from family and the few friends I DO have here.
• No guarantee I won't be just as lonely, but also isolated from family. I might be kidding myself that I'll be able to make new friends in a new city
• It's bloody scary

Has anyone here ever moved in similar circumstances and at a similar age? Did you manage to find your place in the world? Am I being deluded in thinking I'll be able to insert myself into a new community and find that sense of belonging?

I fully recommend selling up and moving, either to London, or to any nearby large city. More going on, more people in the same boat as you. I did it ten years ago, moving to a large provincial city, without knowing a single person, and never looked back.

I found myself in exactly that situation in my early thirties. I moved to London and haven’t looked back (but I have to admit I was lucky and got a well paid job).

Ok so that's encouraging as I was fully expecting to be told to get a grip 😅

@LadyMacB can I ask how things changed for you when you moved? How did you make new friends in London and did you manage to meet someone?

@WonkyFeelings and @LadyMacB Did you already know people in the city or were you complete newbies? I won't really know anyone and worry that by their thirties friendship groups might be fully established and not really welcoming to outsiders

In big cities, friendship groups are less set in stone early on than in small towns, I think. Because people are often moving to the big city from across the world or at least across the country - there is more churn naturally so it is less clique -y.

Are you sporty? Triathlon/running clubs in cities are full of 35year olds and upwards (middle age panic means people get into triathlon). Or open water swimming group - less need to be super sporty there.

I joined a sports club and made tons of friends there!

This suggestion is much more tame, but I always found churches to be super welcoming of single people. At least in my church, it's very normal for single men and women to be invited into people's family units, go on holiday with them etc.

I think there are four things that are important to establish new friendship groups when you are older

you need something substantial in common - whether that is an interest, social 'standing' - in the sense of also single, also married, also divorced, living in the same location and so on.
-you need something that puts you in regular contact with people so you get to know them over time - a weekly course or a regular club meeting. This is probablyl the most important as it allows flowering.
-you need to accept that it will take time probably a year to two years and be relaxed.
-related to the last point, you must not come across as desperate or lonely or friend-needy because its a big turn off and attracts rescuer types.

What about renting your house out and renting in a city yourself? That way you haven't committed to anything permanent.

I completely agree about the fluidity of cities vs burbs. I moved out after having DC and have made a few really good friends through kids' stuff. They're all people who've lived different lives though and seemed here in similar circumstances. I do wonder how on earth I'd have made friends if I'd moved out without having kids activities as an opener!

Is your church fairly mainstream? This is genuinely not intended to be insulting or offensive, just that some churches can seem a little extreme?

I didn’t move to London, but I did move to one of the major cities in the North of England.

I can only speak for my own experience but I met a lot of people like me at that time - i.e. early 30s, single, professional job, no kids. It was a far bigger pool of potential friends than where I moved from, and I think more like minded people in terms of interests and outlook. Overall, it was all less settled as a place, and I tended to find a lot of people actively looking to expand their social sphere.

I should add as a caveat that I did get lucky in some ways. I work in a job that is everywhere, so I could move jobs relatively easily. My job is (or was) generally sociable, with a good pool of people interested in occasional after work drinks and younger people with no ties. I also met a really good friend via work who I ended up sharing a house with, who also introduced me to people.

One downside is that people are less static. The friend I mentioned above has since moved to London (we’re still friends and visit each other). However, others, like me, have stayed, got married or long term relationships, had kids, etc.

You don’t have to turn your back on the friends you already have but if you’re seeing them relatively infrequently, you should still be able to do that from a distance if you have transport.

I’d give it serious consideration.

Yh i would suggest moving - rent first

Randomly but .. have child on your own? Ivf if necessary