To be considering son's opinion?

[ellie09]

Ive been with my partner around a year now, so just fleeting some ideas past my 6 year old to try and get him used to the idea that it may not be just us two in the long term.

He loves my boyfriend to bits. His dad also has a girlfriend who he loves. However, he is dead set on it being just me and him, or him and his dad.

He gets really distressed about the thought of another sibling. He has told me and his dad that we aren't "allowed" or he will run away, and we aren't "allowed" to ever get married.

He is ASD and is very attached in particular to me, so obviously Ive moved very slow with my current boyfriend. He has only met him if we are going out anywhere and he doesnt stay the night if I have my son at home.

Am I right to be so accommodating of my child's needs? Its making me question that if he is continuously like this during childhood, I may need to postpone any type of co-habiting or marriage etc until he is a LOT older. Its put me off having another child, ever, because I dont know how he will react.

AIBU?

I think taking things very slowly is one thing but I don’t think you’re doing him any favours to let him believe things will never change.

you can move things forward slowly and still be respectful of him while letting him see you are a person too and your allowed to be happy.

This

I think people underestimate the devastation on children of their parents splitting up.

Gone from a safe, stable home life, to it all changing, is a massive thing in a child's life.

I'm not saying people should stay together for the sake of the kids at all.

I believe 2 unhappy parents in a home environment is worse the separating.

But the child's world has been turned on its head.

They just want a bit of status quo and should be allowed that.

He can't demand you never have another child, but you need to listen to what he is actually saying. He doesn't want things to change. He's only 6. He will change as he gets a bit older, but just let things stay as they are for a while to give him the security he is very openly craving

YANBU. You only have to read some threads on here to see that blended families with step children and half siblings etc etc is often just a complicated mess.

Considering his feelings and accepting that he might find it more difficult than a NT child is reasonable. Living your life to his preferences is extreme.

You may find that it’s actually easier for him to adapt to change as a 6 or 7 year old than it will be for him as a 13 or 14 year old. At the moment he wants things to stay the same. That’s common with lots of DC his age, both NT and ND. With every year that passes with just you and him, that pattern will become more entrenched and it will be harder for him to accept any changes.

You’re taking things slowly and being sensitive to his feelings. That’s enough.

I think you need to be careful with getting the balance right between taking things slowly (good) and him thinking he can dictate whether you have more children etc.. That must feel like a scary amount of power for a young child, and doesn't provide the security of you being confident but understanding in your decisions. So while I'd definitely ask how he is feeling I wouldn't set the question in a way that he can "allow" something to happen or not happen.

Of course you should consider your child’s feelings. A change in home life can be hard on a child especially a little one that can’t process it and add ASD in to that and possibly it makes even harder.

You are right to take a new relationship slow in regards of meeting you dc, it’s what a good parent should do. However it’s been a year so I would try to introduce a few more meets and work up to your partner staying over/ a mini break away. As you do need a life that isn’t just being Mum.

You’ve been with your partner just 1 year so any pregnancies are a long way off anyway. If/ when you get to the point your partner will have been in your sons life longer and he way well feel different and he’ll be older then.