Hitting rock bottom- family troubles

[Hereforthekickz]

I need to get my feelings out as I am really struggling at the moment and don’t know what to do.

I am 50 with 1 DD and happily married to a wonderful man.

I don’t have a great relationship with my family and haven’t for years, especially with DM.

I have a half brother who lives miles from me and he has recently stopped talking to me. He is a lot older than me and we are very, very different. I don’t feel comfortable around him and he is difficult to get along with but we have distance so it was bearable. He has stopped talking to me because I didn’t download a communication app on my new phone and he was trying to contact me about our DM. He didn’t try and contact me any other way until he sent me a number of rude and hateful messages via IMessage to tell me that we needed to communicate through our DM only in future.

I was upset by this but I am not sure I want a relationship with him because of how he makes me feel. We have naturally grown apart.

My relationship with my DM isn’t great. She is 80 but is very independent and lives close by.

I have already had to put emotional distance between us because of her toxic behaviour. I know where this comes from. She doesn’t have anyone apart from me and she feels alone. I have my own family and she feels that she has out lived her usefulness. I empathise but I can’t be what she wants me to be. She displays some very concerning behaviour such as:

manipulating
using guilt to get her demands
falling out
blame
etc

Move forward to 5 weeks ago……

My FIL passed away suddenly. We are grieving and it hurts.

I agreed to take DM shopping and we had a huge argument.

It started because she told me my DB didn’t want any kind of relationship with me. She said she thought he was in the wrong but she agreed with him on one point - that I didn’t answer my messages in a timely way
or at all. She said that “whilst we are chatting” she had to say that when she sends her 14 year old GD some spending money, it would be nice to get a phone call from her and not a text.

I did the one thing I shouldn’t have done - I told her I didn’t necessarily agree!!! It all came out….

She doesn’t see her GD as much as she wants - this hurts but she doesn’t feel she should have to make any effort to call her.
She had such a strong bond when she was young and now nothing. She has outlived her usefulness. She might need her one day!!!!

She didn’t know I had a week off work in Oct for the school holidays and I never called her (I did visit her the Saturday before and the Saturday after). She was poorly and I didn’t know because I didn’t call.

It is not her job to call me-I am the daughter.

All the times she has listened to me when I had problems and I don’t bother calling etc.

I don’t do anything nice with her and never say sorry or admit I am wrong.

I tried to assert myself and needed her to know sthat I am struggling with things at the moment. I am crying out for my DM to comfort/support me I guess!

Just After my FIL died she made comments about how much inheritance we will get and how we can “have as many holidays as you want” and when I called her the night he died she just turned the conversation around to her and how she thinks about her own death at night when she is in bed. It feels like she is jealous??

She told me she isn’t coming to me at Christmas as she only sees me on 1 day and then she is alone all Christmas.

The list goes on and on and on….

My DH is furious and has told me that I have to stop this behaviour. I should be going for lunch today with him and my DD but I can’t get out of bed and he is shouting and saying I am letting her win!

I don’t know what to do as I can’t go no contact because of the guilt I feel.

I am in such a mess because all these years of this behaviour has messed my head. I am so frightened to change the narrative.

please help

Going nc will ime give her no power over being able to revert you to being a naughty little girl.
I have a feeling you posted about db before op. You give these people too much head space. Being fee of abusive relatives is liberating..

I have posted many times and nothing has changed so…

Wasn't having a go op. Def recommend blocking the lot. If they weren't related would they be your friends? Assuming not just stop my contact.. Haven't seen or heard from my df in 23 years. Dm over 21..they have no power over my feelings now.

I think given the circumstances it’s absolutely fine for you to have a day in bed, so DH shouldn’t be giving you grief about that. We all have out off days and need space sometimes. He sounds like he could be being more supportive, but it’s also hard if this has been going on forever and maybe he’s at the end of his tether.

I do think you should go NC with your brother and LC with your DM.

where are you up to with your menopause OP? I only ask because you mentioned your age. I am younger but would find it impossible to cope with anything of it wasn’t for HRT

I don't really get what your mother said that upset you so much? It would be nice if your dd spoke to your mother rather than phoned her from time to time?
It's a shame about your brother's relationship but when I read your mother's messages, I can see a lonely 80-year-old who is scared of her own mortality and would like to see you more.

Going no contact with your mum would be cruel IMO.

Posting about this will help a bit. But the real change that you can make is to go NC with them both, and stick to it. They have treated you appallingly for a long time, you do have the power to stop this.

I don't know the back story but she doesn't seem to have said anything outrageous.
It would be nice if your daughter called to say thanks instead of always messaging. I see her point here and even if you don't she's allowed to express a preference.
Others dying makes her think about her own mortality - my dad has lost a few friends in recent years and has said similar, r can't be a nice feeling.
She's lonely and she'd like to see more of you, she's making other plans for Christmas because of she comes to you it's only one day and she spends the rest alone (assuming this is true it's fair for her to make other plans).
She disagrees with your brother in your favour on almost everything other than you take your time replying to messages, hardly the highest of criticisms.
I really don't think any of that alone is take to your bed go NC level.

I think you are letting other people control how you think and you need to step up for yourself and your own family and learn how to be assertive, don’t engage with the guilt/manipulation etc. NC with brother as he sounds toxic anyway. LC with mother and decide how you want the relationship to be.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. Any criticism/negativity change the subject and just ignore, don’t let her have power over you. She will soon realise if she wants your company she has to be more polite and not so rude.

I feel for your DH as he can see you allowing her to control your emotions and that is negatively impacting family life. Can’t you put her aside in your mind and go and spend some happy times with your family?

Recommend CBT for help with healthier ways of thinking/communicating. Hard work, takes discipline but worth it for the future.

You find your mother difficult and don't have a great relationship with her - you blame her entirely for this. When you had your recent argument she was telling you how it looks from her side.

Ignore your brother but take into account that both you and your Mum have faults. Maybe you need to see her as the elderly woman she is. One day you may be in her situation, old scared lonely and feeling you could be lying dead for a week before your daughter even notices. As for your daughter, she is happy to take money from her Grandmother but can't even be arsed to phone and say thank you ! Maybe you will reap what you have sown.

' I am crying out for my DM to comfort/support me I guess!' I think this is worth examining - it's really tough as we head into middle age and find our relationship with our parents changes into more of a carer relationship rather than mother/daughter. I think it sounds as if your expectations of what your mother can give emotionally are too high and she is crying out for more support from you.

You are not alone - this is happening in my own family and I could be projecting I guess. But for me reframing my own relationship with my parents like this and offering them support rather than expecting it was helpful. It's not easy!

Well you can’t change either of them - but you can change how you react to them. And if you can’t, get some therapy to help you do so.

Thank you to everyone that has taken time to reply. All opinions are very valid.

It is hard to sum up years in the space of one post.

I understand and empathise with my DM thought and feelings about getting older. I too share some of these thoughts. What I can’t agree with is the years of manipulation and guilt tripping that I have endured.

Its far deeper than an older lady and mortality. She has been this way since I was in my 20’s. It’s just got worse as she got older and I have other people that need my care and attention.

I don’t disagree with some of her points she mentioned in our argument but how can you give yourself to a person like this? Her behaviour has been pushing me away for years.

She has said many things over the years to stop me from living my life. I get depressed when you go in holiday for 2 weeks, please don’t move house any further away or I will have to see about living with you DB 3 hours away, if I am left alone I have a cupboard full of morphine to take. This is just a small snippet.

I have faults and I can take that. I just know in how I feel after I see her, that this feeling isn’t right. I am walking on eggshells, making sure I don’t tell her too much or I will upset her. I can’t post anything on Facebook in case she gets upset or jealous. I can’t be myself with her.

My DD and DM divorced many years ago and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, my DH feels the same and says she is a horrible person.

I do understand why my DH lost it today. He is grieving his DF and can do without all this.

I haven’t been great emotionally for a while if I am honest. I have seen the GP about menopause but I am on the contraceptive pill and they didn’t really do anything. Just told me to take it continuously as I was getting bad headaches. I do wonder if this is the problem and that’s why I am struggling??

She sounds awful op.

There is an elderly parents board Op. Lots of supportive posters with similar experiences.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

I think it's hard for outsiders to see how much rows like this hurt - there's so much history here.

If I understand rightly, your DH has just lost his Dad. That's a very hard time for him. I would certainly prioritise him at the moment. Maybe cut him some slack on shouting today. Is there anything nice he would like to do? If he's too down, has he seen his GP?

I think this maybe why I may sound like I am overthinking or overreacting. My DH is struggling to deal with his loss and so am I. My FIL was a lovely man and I was close to him.

I didn’t call my DM in the Oct half term not because I was being horrible but because I was dealing with so many emotions at home. It really hurts me that she had to mention this. It really is all about her. I don’t ask her for anything and her lack of care really is a wake up call. I feel like I am grieving our relationship too. If that makes any sense.

I can understand your DH's upset. He's probably had this for a while. You should really be focusing on your own family and not letting your mother influence your decisions. As it sounds like she is. She is upsetting you and this is causing upset with your DH and kids. You need to look into this and put a stop to it, it's not fair on your family.

When we argued yesterday it was in the car outside a supermarket. She got her bags and said she was leaving. She opened the door and got out and I opened the door after her and was shouting at her to stop but she had gone into the store. I didn’t know what to do so I drove off. I don’t know if that was right but that’s what I did. I didn’t know she had no money.

DM has just messaged me:

I just want to apologise if I said anything yesterday that hurt your feelings, that was never my intention and I am very sorry.
However, to leave me at the supermarket with no cash to get me home shows just how little you think of me. I could never, no matter what was said have done that to my mother. Xx

This. Your mother is old and is facing her own mortality. You could be a comfort to her. She doesn't seems to have said or done anything terrible. Nobody is perfect.

She said:

I get depressed when you go in holiday for 2 weeks, please don’t move house any further away or I will have to see about living with you DB 3 hours away, if I am left alone I have a cupboard full of morphine to take.

She is needing your attention and you are seeing it as an intrusion in your life. Please try to have more compassion.

She sounds outspoken, but that's her character.

Mmmh, that's not really an apology tho.

If she really felt like an apology or more importantly a discussion about what happened she might have replied like this..

So sorry about what happened, can we talk? Or something like that.

God knows, I have fallen out with my kids but I never ever apportion blame and always we talk and work things out, if not face to face over the phone, never messaging....that's just inappropriate.

I have compassion and I spend as much time with her as I can. I have been there for her through hard times just as you should be.
All this and more

All of that is never, ever enough for her. I am not responsible for her life. She needs to navigate this like we all have to.

I could give 24 hours of compassion and care and it would never be enough.

When do I start to live my life without fear or guilt. Am I not also entitled to this?

That sounds v. difficult, OP. 💐
This is my advice, take it or leave it.

Ignore your half-brother’s tantrums. He’s obviously expecting you to grovel to get in contact again but I wouldn’t bother. You don’t want/need him in your life.

Re. Your Mum. She sounds similar to my Dad (85), makes everything about them, putting us down and complaining when we don’t act exactly as they want us to.
It’s frustrating, but I’ve made a conscious decision to emotionally detach myself and let nasty comments wash over me.

Ultimately, I’m not comfortable abandoning him at this life stage, he’s elderly, has health problems, is easily anxious and overwhelmed, etc. You may feel the same about your Mum.

So what you need to do is emotionally detach and stop letting her nastiness affect you. View her as an anxious elderly person who needs your support and do what you can within reason. If she does find it hard being mainly alone over the Christmas period, could she come over an extra day, for example? Or could you take her out somewhere for an afternoon? If she prefers phone calls to texts, let your DD know to ring Grandma next time, etc.

We all wish that we had kind, supportive parents, but some of us don’t! Don’t let her negativity overwhelm you, you have a lovely family of your own.

No, I don't agree with this! This is just guilt tripping!