Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I'm annoying and disliked all the time?

13 replies

youcansitwithus · 12/11/2023 12:00

In every social situation I presume that people find me annoying/weird and dislike me unless I'm proven otherwise. At my old job I presumed that people didn't like me, so I would sit on my own in our office and go off for lunch on my own. Then on my last day I had some lovely messages that made me realise I was liked by others.

I recently started a university course as a mature student, we're about 6 weeks in and friendships have started to form. I have a few people I've spoken to and enjoyed speaking to, but I feel embarrassed to sit down with them in the seminar or lecture in case they've saved a seat for someone or don't want me next to them. I often walk in and go and sit at the back on my own, and end up feeling really lonely but I feel like it's almost self-inflicted. In our common room I'll sit on my own to eat lunch etc despite it being a room full of my classmates, unless someone directly invites me over to sit with them or sits down next to me.

AIBU to start trying to sit with people and ignore the thoughts that they might dislike me or find me annoying?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/11/2023 12:02

I’d just ask if the seat is free, they’ll soon tell you if they are saving it.

TheresaCrowd · 12/11/2023 12:04

AIBU to start trying to sit with people and ignore the thoughts that they might dislike me or find me annoying?

Or course not, why would you be?

Is it a recent thing or have you been like it all your life? What were you like at school?

FrozenGhost · 12/11/2023 12:04

Yanbu to feel that way, because you feel how you feel. I'm also very lacking in self confidence and feel the same way. And sometimes, I know I'm right - I can be awkward and some people don't like me.

However, I think it's good to push through that. Something I read on here once is that we could be making someone else feel how we are feeling by acting that way. And it's also a little rude and self centred, we are basically wanting someone to be over the top friendly to us, whilst we are standoffish in return. So I try to think about that.

DustyLee123 · 12/11/2023 12:06

I think i’ve become annoying and not liked as much as I’ve aged, but I think that it’s because I don’t tolerate what I don’t like any more.

Original poster
youcansitwithus · 12/11/2023 12:11

I used to be like it a little at school, although I always had a solid group of friends so I felt like I had somewhere I belonged.

I think it started when I was at college, I really struggled to make friends on my course and so at lunch I would meet up with two of my best friends from secondary school who were both on a different course to me. They were both on the same course, and formed a friendship group with others on their course who I think didn't like me. I remember once they were arranging some kind of outing on a group chat and my best friend asked if they could invite me along (I didn't know or ask to be invited), and someone replied saying 'can my taxi driver come too? Can my next door neighbour come too?' and my friend then added me to the group chat and I could see the conversation history

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 12/11/2023 12:13

I am the same as you, OP but in my case my behaviour has its origins in parental emotional abuse. (mind you, I might be annoying as well 😂) What was your upbringing like?

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 12/11/2023 12:22

I can feel like this, very easily; I've realised as I've got older that I'm ND and overthink every interaction. I worry far too much that I might 'get it wrong'. I don't worry people won't like me, per se, but that I might make them feel like they have to be nice to me because I've sat next to them, or something like that.

Over the years I've decided to focus on just being myself, try to show that I'm kind and want to be friendly (so not sitting on my own, as it looks like that's what you want! But asking if the seat is taken, as pp suggested.) and trying to make sure I don't 'push in' so they don't feel like they have to be friends if they don't want to... (see what I mean!!!)

But I have found that the 'right' people get it, they see the true me and accept me. I've a few people around me (friends/colleagues) who are like this, and it's enough; the others, who might or might not find me annoying/dislike me, I don't care about because it's their problem.

Hope you find a way to feel more comfortable with yourself x

Lurkylurks · 12/11/2023 12:26

barbarahunter · 12/11/2023 12:13

I am the same as you, OP but in my case my behaviour has its origins in parental emotional abuse. (mind you, I might be annoying as well 😂) What was your upbringing like?

Me too, and for the same reason I think (emotional abuse/neglect). Any time I've had to collect a certificate or something at a ceremony it's always surprised me when people clap for me when it's my turn to go up, like they did for all the others. Some little voice inside me tells me they won't want to clap for me even out of politeness, kindness or social convention. Been working on this part of myself for years. Solidarity to OP and others who feel this way.

TeenLifeMum · 12/11/2023 12:42

I feel the same and think, for me, it comes from friends dropping me. I rarely feel like one of the main friendship group. I finally did for a few years but recently they’re all meeting up without me and I’m back to feeling like I must be annoying and tolerated rather than wanted. We always do a Christmas thing but nothing is happening this year. When I mentioned it everyone said their diaries are mad trying to fit everything in. My diary is empty. My family seem to like me so hopefully that’ll be enough right now. It stings because I’ve helped individuals a lot but when they’re happy suddenly I’m sidelined.

Lurkylurks · 12/11/2023 12:51

Lurkylurks · 12/11/2023 12:26

Me too, and for the same reason I think (emotional abuse/neglect). Any time I've had to collect a certificate or something at a ceremony it's always surprised me when people clap for me when it's my turn to go up, like they did for all the others. Some little voice inside me tells me they won't want to clap for me even out of politeness, kindness or social convention. Been working on this part of myself for years. Solidarity to OP and others who feel this way.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh and by the way, to answer your question OP, yanbu - I think it's a good idea to go and sit with people, they will probably be delighted that you'd like to sit with them.

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 14/03/2024 22:42

TeenLifeMum · 12/11/2023 12:42

I feel the same and think, for me, it comes from friends dropping me. I rarely feel like one of the main friendship group. I finally did for a few years but recently they’re all meeting up without me and I’m back to feeling like I must be annoying and tolerated rather than wanted. We always do a Christmas thing but nothing is happening this year. When I mentioned it everyone said their diaries are mad trying to fit everything in. My diary is empty. My family seem to like me so hopefully that’ll be enough right now. It stings because I’ve helped individuals a lot but when they’re happy suddenly I’m sidelined.

This is what happened to me. Friends ditched me after I helped them and sorted out loads for them. I lost my main friendship group. I now have a new group of friends but I get so paranoid when they meet up without me

coastalhawk · 14/03/2024 23:00

Sorry to read this OP and often feel the same.

Hard to know what the cause is - so many factors - but I am relating to others here in terms of early social ostracisation which has led to quite a deep wound and an assumption/fear of rejection, though it was siblings in my case.

But it's been interesting to think about ways in which this fear makes me a bit self centred and sometimes a bit rude/hurtful.

I've also found that when i take control and am confident, I feel so much better.

Following the thread as interested to hear more about other people's experience of this!

TeenLifeMum · 14/03/2024 23:26

@Mumoftwinsandasingleton your user name could be mine! Dtds and an older dd.

I tend to go along with stuff to not rock the boat. I think I blend into the background at social events these days.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page