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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SO and coworker AIBU??

28 replies

TXA · 11/11/2023 20:34

Girl husband works with, seems very close to - don’t know if it’s reciprocated but seems to have a crush on her. When I first saw them together at work he would message me after with weird things like oh she loves your style/dress/looks up to you. Just felt weird.
They Have been speaking on Snapchat outside of work. I’ve told him this is inappropriate (he’s her superior, like he’s her f’ing boss). Said he’d speak to her and stop communicating on there. Has not. Still going on. Recently she’s been messaging him late at night (anywhere between 11pm and 1am) when he’s asleep and his phone goes off subsequently waking me up as I’m a very light sleeper. Same thing happened again last night. I asked him to ask her to stop messaging so late at night and it’s disturbing me. He said oh is that what is sarcastically (of course I’m jealous you have a crush and aren’t listening to me??) even so I get pissy when other people message and his phone buzzes on the nightstand as it keeps waking me.
He gets up in an arsey then said he was “going for a drive”. Disappeared for 3.5 hours into the early hours of the morning. Eventually I rang him to see when he’d be back and he said he’d come home now. Gets home at 2am and when he’s asked outright he said he ended up going to see her (she’s having some boy troubles apparently but lives with her parents). Apologised that he may smell of weed but said he’d not smoked it and I know she does - whatever, don’t care.
Has played dumb all night and day, what’s the matter with you??
I’m obviously pissed off. Is this unreasonable??? Is this appropriate??

he also said to our LO earlier mummy and daddy aren’t hugging right now (LO told him to give me a hug), asked again what’s wrong and I said like you don’t know? Then he said mummy doesn’t want daddy having friends wtf??
happy to hear others take on it but go easy on me please.

OP posts:
Apossum · 11/11/2023 20:37

He’s cheating on you and not even bothering to hide it, the pathetic lump. It’s up to you whether you accept that or not but I certainly wouldn’t.

Didimum · 11/11/2023 20:38

I couldn’t be with someone like this. All of that is disgusting.

OhNoForever · 11/11/2023 20:39

I can't believe he's being so brazen. He must think you're an idiot, or that you're so trapped you can't leave.

Neriah · 11/11/2023 20:41

Didimum · 11/11/2023 20:38

I couldn’t be with someone like this. All of that is disgusting.

And kind of unbelievable...

zazazoop · 11/11/2023 20:41

You deserve to be with someone who prioritises you. That is not this man.

justalittlesnoel · 11/11/2023 20:41

He's shagging her and taking you for stupid imo.

If my DH went out for 4 hours at stupid o'clock in the morning and came home smelling of weed he'd not be DH by the time the sun rose.

Honestly he's taking you for a total ride!

TXA · 11/11/2023 20:46

Wow didn’t expect to have so many replies so soon. Thank you all. In the past I’ve overreacted to things due to mental illness so it’s made me doubt myself. Wow. Thanks all. Don’t plan on letting him take me for a ride but it’s hard as he’s got me where he wants me.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 11/11/2023 20:51

Don't underestimate how much a shitty partner contributes to poor mental health.

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 11/11/2023 20:51

He's cheating on you with his subordinate at work, and he's involving your child in gas lighting you. Gross.

Spidersfreakmeout · 11/11/2023 20:55

He’s cheating on you. He is an awful man and probably the reason for your poor mental health.

Seek support from close friends and family, talk to a solicitor asap and get STI tests. also get a copy of leave a cheater gain a life as knowledge is power.

Please take care, what an utter UTTER loser.

MamaGhina · 11/11/2023 20:57

RantyAnty · 11/11/2023 20:51

Don't underestimate how much a shitty partner contributes to poor mental health.

Absolutely. YANBU. Decide what you want. Even if he’s not shagging her, do you want to be with someone who cares so little about you?

Starbeeees · 11/11/2023 21:02

Don’t know the guy but he’s absolutely shagging her

i mean I’d probably leave him for being a grown man on Snapchat but that’s another thing

1990thatsme · 11/11/2023 21:04

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. He’s cheating and taking you for a total mug.

OhGoodie · 11/11/2023 21:10

Yeah… definitely cheating on you. Can’t believe you’d even for a second think you were being unreasonable. The messaging a co-worker would be inappropriate enough, a subordinate is even worse, then disappearing until the early hours to see her… something OBVIOUSLY happened, and even if it didn’t he wanted it to, and it will happen eventually.
Then playing the victim and making you out to be the bad one to your child?!?
He’d be so far out the door long before I could’ve even written your post if I were you.

shorterthanaverage · 11/11/2023 21:13

He doesn't care if you know he's cheating, he's had his head turned and is looking for a way out.

If you leave he doesn't have to find a way out and can swan off into the sunset as the victim and then he'll say we got together after and that you left me remember.
Maybe she's pregnant and that's why he's running off at the drop of a hat to her every need, and available at all hours.

Username6445 · 11/11/2023 21:18

Hands down agree with those saying mental health issues <--> shitty partner have a lot of strong links. Same goes for bad physical health too.

TXA · 11/11/2023 21:21

Wow guys. This is devastating but also so glad I’m not being crazy (used to be really unwell so I do doubt myself so much). I know we need to split but it’s just sorting logistics. I have no family nearby. His are lovely but I won’t drag them into this as there’s enough going on as is. So we need to sell and I need to figure out how on earth I’ll afford to move out here.
thanks for all the votes and the replies. About half a bottle of wine deep. Still not told him I’m done but surely he’s not that thick.

OP posts:
IAmAnIdiot123 · 11/11/2023 21:31

Sorry OP, I'm pretty relaxed about dp having female friends but I wouldn't tolerate this! This isn't being friends, he is going to see her in the middle of the night. He's absolutely snagging her!

Also, i would watch what he says to your daughter. He knows this is over, he knows he is to blame yet he seems to be manipulating her into thinking any split is your fault and not his.

littleorchard45 · 11/11/2023 21:31

So sorry you are going through this. I hope you manage to get out of there and so you are away from him.

LightSpeeds · 11/11/2023 21:34

He has NO respect or concern for you. I'm glad you've decided to get rid of him.

Good luck. You will get through this xx

Beachwalker66 · 11/11/2023 21:41

Can you take baby back to your parents? I wouldn’t stay where he lives, he could make life miserable.

I wouldn’t tell him, just make plans to get away.

Nicole1111 · 11/11/2023 21:54

So he’s an adult man who left the family home in a strop because he can’t stay up late on his phone snap chatting, to sit in a car (as his “friend” doesn’t have her own home) with someone smoking weed. He sounds like a petulant child. At best he is disrespecting and undervaluing you and at worst is having an affair, whether that be physical or emotional. Neither are good enough and you deserve much better

EvilElsa · 11/11/2023 22:13

He is so obviously cheating on you. I'm sorry OP, he's a total shit.
If you are still sleeping with him I'd get an STD check. You don't know what he's been using if anything at all.
I'm glad you've decided to leave, you deserve so much better. I never get people who cheat like this. If you want to be with someone else just be with someone else and stop lying. My friends husband had been cheating on her for years with a women from the same village. She asked him multiple times if he was and he lied and lied. In the end she binned him and he married the affair. What was the point in all the years of bullshit? Such a waste of everyone's time.
Best of luck OP.

TXA · 11/11/2023 23:13

Again just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their input. Has helped keep me sane I think this evening.
I will call the clinic Monday to get checked over and speaking to my dad tomorrow to just seek some support. Glad I’m not mental. Still sh!t though. And unbelievably I’m the one sleeping on the sofa 😂.
Hope everyone’s weekend goes well. Thanks for all the support. Really grateful.

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 11/11/2023 23:15

He's shagging her.