My first post, but I don’t know where to turn or what to do.
I’ve been with my partner 5 years. I have 2 of my own children, and he has 4 of his own.
He keeps us very seperate. He won’t allow me to discuss his children, give my opinion, or help make any decisions. They completely ignore my existence when they come stay every other weekend and I literally spend the weekend hiding away in my bedroom. They are all mid-late teens. They have zero discipline. He won’t ask them to do one single thing, they don’t even change their clothes or brush their teeth or shower the entire time, everytime. He does not know how to say no to them. This winds me up to no end because he will discipline my children. And I ask his opinion, and keep him in the loop about everything. I’ve come to terms with him keeping me out of his kids lives and have come to accept ignorance is bliss for me, it’s the only way I can deal with it.
We also keep our finances completely seperately, because I’ve found hidden debts multiple times in the past, and also because of how much he spends on his kids which causes arguments because my kids don’t get them same. They ask for £20, he sends them £50, each, multiple times a month.
Yesterday, he asked me to be careful food shopping because he was a bit skint this month, from buying Xmas presents. Fair enough. Then I picked up his phone because his child had messaged and I knew they were on their way to us on the train and I was checking if they’d got it yet so we knew when to pick them up from the train station and he was out of the house. Then I saw the previous message from a couple of days ago that he had sent the child saying they’d spent £240 on the Xbox in the past couple of weeks without asking, and ‘can they stop please’??!!! The kid said sorry I can’t help it. His response was it’s ok.
I went ballistic. We have had so many arguments over money and over him keeping secrets. But his child stealing £240 from him and him saying it’s ok, not letting me know and telling me we can’t afford food shopping?!?!
I asked how he was going to get the money off him. He says he’s not because child in question wants to change gender so he doesn’t want to say anything to upset them?!!?
I said we needed to sell his games console to recoup some of the cost (since they are getting the brand new £500 version for Xmas), and stop pocket money until paid off, with a extremely stern telling off, and removing his bank card from all kids accounts. He told me he’ll deal with it how he wants and my opinion is not being taken into consideration.
I am genuinely thinking of leaving him over this.
I involve him in all aspects of my kids. I always ask and value his opinion. I want us to be all treat the same. And I just want him not to lie. But he continues to.
AIBU?
Do I leave him and be miserable I’ve left him? And also my daughter be heartbroken because she adores him?
Do I stay with him, go back to my ignorance is bliss state of mind but constantly worry about what lie will surface next?