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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Protecting DD from situation

5 replies

Bluestar23 · 11/11/2023 19:41

We have some good friends who have children the same age. We live in different cities.
Over the past 12 years we have celebrated many occasions together and our DD have grown up together.
They are now in Year 7 and over the past few years we have seen each other a few times a year but their relationship has become challenging.
For around 8 years I had my friends DC for at least 5 days a year to support with childcare, as we live so far apart they'd stay with me. This caused no issue until maybe 3 years ago when cracks appeared between the now 11 year olds. But it was managed and everyone was OK.
Culminating in last new years. We went to stay at their house. My friends DD was targeting my DD, saying awful things and trying to belittle her. I was trying to support the situation but I felt it was an awful trip for my 11 year old. She'd try and distance herself and just watch TV and she'd seek her out and be unkind.
Her parents were great but still not a good experience.
My friends DD is waiting to be assessed for ADHD. I've known her since birth and she's a great kid but really struggling with herself and takes this out on my DD.
I've told my DH I don't want to go this new year as we normally do as it's not fair on my DD as we can't predict how my friends DD will behave towards her.
Am I BU?
Is this part of growing up and my DD just needs to learn to sort this out herself?
I feel guilty going, knowing that from our family and DC everyone will have a great time apart from them.
Jusg for info due to age gap she can't really join the other children.

OP posts:
britespark1 · 11/11/2023 19:59

I wouldn’t go. We have a lot of the wider family at our house and I’m currently contemplating stopping them as I’m unhappy with the way a certain young relative treats one of my children.

Seadreamers · 11/11/2023 20:06

Do her parents really have much awareness of their DD’s behaviour towards your DD? Do they reprimand her at all?

I had to distance myself to protect my DS when friend’s DS turned nasty towards him and Friend did nothing at all. She was oblivious and regarded her DS an angel. Eventually, the friendship slid away which I am sad about but my child will always come first.

You could try meeting them for a day trip, stay in a hotel/Air BnB etc, or does your DD have the option of staying with another family member like aunt or grandparents while you and the rest of the family go to visit your friend? Not ideal but it depends how much you are prepared to protect your DD vs preserving your friendship.

madisoncat · 11/11/2023 20:25

You ANBU. Put your DD first, don't go.

Your DD is your child and if all goes well will be in your life for the rest of your life, families do fall out sadly but hopefully not yet or in the long term.

If these friends moved to the other side of the world you wouldn't be trying to keep your past arrangements going? If they got divorced would you try to keep the arrangement going?

It's an arrangement and it worked until it didn't.

It's sad your friends child is going through whatever it is they are going through but as sad as it is theres no reason to put either child or family into a stressful situation.

You child is the most vulnerable person in this situation, the one person (due to age) who hasn't got the life experience to deal with this situation - you have.

Why are you, as the adult and the parent even asking the question?

Trust your instincts.

You know going would be way too much for your child to deal with and will only stress you all out.

If it was to go for lunch or tea your DD would have the chance to gain some experience and skills for dealing with these type of situation in a manageable way. But it's not.

It's to stay in the other child house with no safe place to retreat to and for a longish period of time.

You already know the best thing to do for your family. Good Luck and I hope you have a good outcome for everyone.

Bluestar23 · 12/11/2023 21:23

Thank you for your messages.
Her parents do reprimand her but it doesn't go well and can make the whole situation a lot worse.
She is a loveky girl but really struggles with herself. Typical ADHD really, very impulsive and also her self esteem is quite low but she tries to cover it with a smart mouth!

We won't be going.
There is nowhere else for DD to go and I think she'd be a bit sad to not be with us.

OP posts:
GoingOffOnATangent · 12/11/2023 22:01

Good choice op.
@madisoncat 👌

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