not sure I understand this attitude towards work?

[fantafruittwists]

A friend is 34 and knows she's running out of time to have a baby with her husband.her husband is a bit younger and works full-time in retail. He knows she wants a baby asap but says he doesn't want one until he's earning better money (they both work full-time, I think he's on about £1500 net take home).
This I can understand to an extent, but the husband only wants a job which specifically interests him, a job he's very passionate about and has dreamed of for a while.
He's not prepared to take any job. He could take on extra shifts, look for another job which might not be something he's really interested in, but it will be stable and might pay slightly more.
He's not necessarily going to get this job tomorrow. Husband doesn't have any qualifications and has never built a career as such. He seems nice but I find his current attitude selfish.
There are many ways he could get extra work or take on a bit more but he's still holding out for this dream career. He doesn't think he can provide for a child.
I feel really sorry for her and I find his attitude very selfish, but don't feel comfortable saying this. What would you advise?

I'd advise you to keep out of it because everything you've said, she already knows.

Frustrating but no good will come of speaking your mind.

I'd advise minding your own business. How other people earn a living is nothing to do with you.

I will just have to keep it to myself. I just think if you were really keen to start a family asap, you'd take on other work as soon as you could, take on nights, anything tbh.

I'm not interested in what he does for a living. I'm posting on a forum asking for opinions as I'd feel pretty upset in her situation, I know there's nothing I can do and it's between them.

He’s clearly not keen on starting a family asap though. She is.

I’d prioritise work over having a child, too. In fact, I did. I wanted a certain career more than having a child, so I postponed ttc until I was 39, on the understanding that, while I might have left it too late, I’d rather have the career I have and possibly no child. Fortunately DH felt the same, and fortunately we had DS.

It’s obviously difficult when a couple have different priorities, but I don’t think he’s being unreasonable as such. I wouldn’t have sacrificed my ambitions because DH wanted a baby.

Is your friend doing night shifts etc as well as her job if she is really keen to start a family?

The friend has a decent salary already and believes they would be fine with their current combined earnings.

Maybe he isn't feeling the rush, I mean, 34 isn't young but she does have 6 or so years to have a baby, providing she only wants one.

What job is he wanting to get?

Looks like she's going to have some hard decisions to make, but either way, they're hers to make. I would also stay out of it and learn to just nod along unless she asks you for advice. And even then, I've learnt to stay as neutral as possible with any type of sensitive advice. "Yeah, I can see why that would be frustrating, I guess he'll have to either accept he's earning less when having a baby, or look to apply for different types of jobs" and leave it there.

Out of interest, what does she do/earn?

I do understand that, it just may not be possible for everyone at 39, and hard for the friend as she has no idea when or if it'll happen.

She did ask me for advice but I just didn't know how to say it. AFAIK she doesn't want to be a parent any later than 35/36 which I do understand.

Not your circus not your monkeys. ----

He doesn’t want kids with her. In 5 years time they will break up, he’ll have a baby with a new GF within the year; she’ll be scrabbling around trying to find any partner to see if she can still have a child.

Been there, made that fuck up

@fantafruittwists but that's always the case. It took me 3 years to have a baby after a long time trying to conceive then a miscarriage. I was in my 20s. You can't always plan life, although I agree the risks increase as you age.

If she REALLY wants one soon, and he isn't ready - for whatever reason - then she'll have to leave him. If she chooses to stay, I'd assume she's prioritising her marriage over having kids which is fine, it's a choice she's making with her eyes wide open.

She earns around 28k, her husband maybe 22k? Not 100% sure. She says if she goes for promotion she can earn around 2k a year more. I don't think there's ever a right time, obviously there are better times, but with child benefit, tax free childcare etc. Im sure they would be fine.

Hm I reckon you’re the friend OP. No harm in saying it, nobody knows who you are on here. You’re right - there’s never a right time. You/friend should have a conversation with him and work out what he really wants, and be prepared to leave if needed.

It sounds like he doesn't/not ready to have a child yet. Tbh if having a child was his top priority he would take anything to make it work.

It sounds like you're projecting your ideals onto them.

£40k combined maybe enough for you, but maybe he doesn't want to be a low earner with a child. I'm guessing he's wondering how he'll fund the household through maternity leave and if she wants to work part time. I'm not saying he's right or wrong, but that's HIS decision. Just like it's HER decision if she chooses her marriage over her chance to have kids.

But equally, they could change their minds in 6 months and be pregnant this time next year.

Stay out of it, she won't appreciate you highlighting her issues.

Good for him. You spend so much time at work, it’s great to be able to happy in your job. Happy work, happy family. Having a child is stressful and I would hate to do that in a role I hate. Your friend is hardly running out of time at 34, think the average age of my NCT group was 41!! If she has self imposed limited, then fine, but why do hers trump her husbands? Surely it would be more sensible to find a job you love that pays better and wait a few years, rather than having a baby you don’t want right now and being constantly skint.

She asking your opinion. If you are a friend then you owe her honesty. He either doesn't want a baby or he doesn't see your friend as a long term prospect.

This is bang on the money, I’m afraid.

Your ‘friend’ won’t be having a child with this man.

Either she sticks with him and accepts that. Or she cuts her losses and leaves.

This. If this were my friend and she wants children, I would be deciding her to give him a deadline. If he doesn't meet it, leave him so she still has time to find someone and start a family. Or go it alone.

If he were upfront about not wanting kids I think it might be different. But he blatantly doesn't want kids with her, or doesn't want kids at all, and isn't being upfront about it. So I would trust him not to do as the PP suggests.

I've seen this happen to a friend also. She needs to take action if she doesn't want it happening to her.

34 is cutting it fine! There's no guarantee at all that she won't struggle to get pregnant, have a series of miscarriages, need IVF etc etc. You can't rely on coming off birth control and falling pregnant straight away. Especially in your late 30s/early 40s.

But wanting a baby is also selfish.

There's actually nothing wrong with being selfish in either scenario, the problem is that their desires are not aligned.

Could your friend get a better paid job with a solid enhanced mat leave policy?

I would personally advise that she and her DH have a conversation during which she says she wants to start trying within the next couple of years come what may with the job. Don't issue an ultimatum, just emphasis on her age and the fact that there is really, no correct time.

His response to that will be very telling.

The only other thing I would ask is do they live quite a nice lifestyle? Whilst 50k combined isn't huge, it can be if you're just two people. Is he wanting to continue to afford nice holidays etc and knows that when a baby comes along they would struggle more etc?