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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this sexual assault?

8 replies

Mustlovetacos · 11/11/2023 18:50

Just looking for people's thoughts on this. Have been split up from abusive ex for nearly 5 years and going through a stressful custody battle which is still ongoing ( has hit the kids but I've withdrawn contact for the last year). Whilst going though old phones for evidence I found messages in which he demanded sex in return for looking after the kids now I'd completely forgotten about this as there has been so much physical, emotional and psychological abuse that I would be here all night trying to explain it all but it triggered other memories but I'm not sure if they are assault. One thing he would do when I'd had my first child is in order for him to look after him so I could get some rest is I would have to give him a blow job but then still have to settle the baby and sort everything before I could go asleep. Other instances and this was quite a few especially towards the end and I was planning on leaving so hated him, hated to be touched by him so would try and avoid at all costs but sometimes it was unavoidable so would agree to sex as I knew what the consequences would be if I didn't. I've heard the whole consent by force isn't really consent but not sure if this is it. In arguments when he would physically assault me he would often grab my breasts quite forcibly to embarrass and hurt me , one time he grabbed me by the vagina and pulled my pants down whilst I was pregnant and trying to get away from him. I've gone through cbt and have self referred for some further therapy as I feel I need to work through this but from an outside perpespective woild you co sider theses things sexual assault? Sorry about the length just needed to get this off my chest x

OP posts:
Fluffybuns88 · 11/11/2023 18:54

Yes, it is, he used coercive control and assaulted you.

Mustlovetacos · 11/11/2023 18:57

Thank you for replying I think I needed to hear this from someone else

OP posts:
Coffeemama · 11/11/2023 18:58

Hey op, I'm so sorry but I'm afraid this does sound like sexual assault, in fact it most definitely is. I guess the examples of him just grabbing you like that are more clear cut but even in those instances where you say 'I knew what would happen if I didn't do xyz with/to him' sounds like sexual assault in the much wider context of coercive control and emotional abuse. His behaviour sounds just utterly awful and I'm so sorry you've experienced any of this op. I hope you get the full custody, good luck with it all & stay strong, 5 years is already such a long time to still be reliving this/having this hang over you

HowToSaveAWife · 11/11/2023 18:58

Yes. I'm sorry you went through this. May the bastard never have peace.

Popperzip · 11/11/2023 19:03

Could you go to the police op about these crimes he’s committed against you? Including the coercive control?
could you give the police your old phone ?

79Beastie · 11/11/2023 19:10

Yes that is definitely assault. He's a monster. A horrible excuse of a man. I really hope you and your child are safe and he has the absolute minimal, if any contact with you and your child in future.

Mustlovetacos · 11/11/2023 19:12

@Popperzip I'll be honest I don't know how ready I'd be for any of that just yet I'm still trying to make sense of alot of this myself. I started calling the police in 2019 when I left him and was physically assaulted twice when pregnant withmy third but I declined tk take things further as I was scared. I've called the police a few times over the last few years over him showing up at the house, trying to intimidate me ,shouting etc but I'm not gonna lie this has threw me it's amazing how much my brain has tried to protect me. I had to hit the ground running when I left him ,I had 2 young boys and was pregnant and i don't think I've given myself any time to truly process everything.

OP posts:
Popperzip · 11/11/2023 19:14

@Mustlovetacos i understand that 100% your incredibly strong and brave to escape like you did and put your life back together the way you have.
I hope one day you’re able to feel comfortable enough to report him as it is a daunting experience and I get how terrifying that must feel for you thinking about doing it.
hope your ok OP x

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