AIBU with my expectations?

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

I'm 11 weeks pregnant with my first DC and I'm the first one of my DF's children to be expecting a child.

My DM passed away two years ago and ever since my DF has become a lot less interested in my life and my DB's life and has been very focused on his dating life. Now that he is in a serious relationship with a woman he has become even less interested. When I got married 8 months ago it was clear he wasn't interested in the wedding and was just going through the motions. When we went to his suit fitting he kept going out of the store to look at shoes in the store next door for his date and was really indifferent about the suit for the wedding which we were gifting him.

His new GF now tries to get involved in family matters having conversations on the side with me trying to convince me that my DF really cares, and was really excited about the wedding and puts his DCs above everyone. It's really odd because his actions show the exact opposite.

Now that I'm pregnant and in my first trimester, he continues to only call me once a fortnight and if that, even though he knows the first trimester is tough. Note that he would call every other day when my DM was ill and he was lonely.

I wish I could stop caring like he has and just not bother with him anymore and not be bothered by his behaviour but it's really getting me down. It's particularly frustrating when I try to raise it with him and he gaslights me and tells me there isn't an issue.

I know he's very self-centred and preoccupied with his own image and hates the fact that he's nearly 70. His GF is 10 years younger than him and she tells me that he's a young man and needs to live his life.

He's welcome to live his life and move on from my DM but why does he have to move on from his children who lost their DM?

How should I handle this situation and AIBU?

It's also worth noting that I live in another country to my DF and see him twice a year.

Did you have contact with him, when your mum was alive?
I ask, because my mum was the one who phoned and kept us all informed about others lives, and when she died, after we stopped checking up on our Dad, contact sort of petered out. We were all used to our Mum doing the phoning and without her, no one stepped in.
People are stupid creatures of habit. He never called you before, why would he now?
But it sounds like the new girlfreind is a good influence, or maybe just insight into what he actually thinking. But, at the end of the day, it is up to you. Do you want to make the effort? Do you want him to, and are you willing to tell him that?

You say he only phones you every fortnight, can I ask how often you phone him?

Reading between the lines it sounds like you are put out that he’s in a new relationship. Personally I’d think two years is a relatively short time after a bereavement to get involved with someone but that’s just my opinion and each to their own. Did he ever phone you when your mum was alive or did he just latch onto the end of the call.

Sometimes older men find it difficult to talk about things.

All you can do is tell him that you would like him to call more and act more interested. He may or may not do it. If he doesn't, work on accepting that. That is literally all you can do.

I phone him more regularly eg twice a week which is one of the reasons why he says he doesn't phone more often. However, when I stop calling he'll call twice a month.

YABU, your father doesn't owe you anything and can live his life too, it seems like you are calling each other plenty already.

Your entire post is all about you, you and you, so you are quite self centered yourself. Being pregnant doesn't make you the centre of the universe.

I think that's just men for you. They're more self centred. He won't know the first thing about the first trimester!

If it wasn't for my mum or me doing the calling, it wouldn't enter my dad's head to get in touch. My mum's always done all that sort of stuff.

Edited to add: I also think that subconsciously you may want him to fill the hole your mum left when she died eg being excited for your wedding etc. I don't think men are programmed that way and I don't think that at 70 he's capable of being both mum and dad. I'm sorry, it must be tough.

My family lives abroad. We don't have as much phone contact as you but I would consider them close. I think you are being unrealistic. What on earth do you talk about ringing that often?

Calling once a fortnight is a long way from not being interested.

Weddings are pretty boring.

Nothing you’ve said indicates he doesn’t care, just that he’s not hugely involved - and as you live in a different country that’s the way it has to be.

His girlfriend sounds nice.

I understand you’re missing your mum, but you are being unreasonable - he may easily be around for another 20 years, he has raised his kids and is entitled to build up his life now your mum has gone.

I think I have struggled with the fact that he started seeing someone 1 month after my DM died and made no secret of it. He was besotted and asking me and DB for advice. He stopped publicly grieving my DM a couple of months after her passing for fear of upsetting his new GF. As the months went by he even told us how good the chemistry was in bed (!) and she was all he could talk about. At family gatherings he would be on his phone texting her and ignoring everyone else. Last Christmas when he started cheating on that GF he brought a woman round to my home when I was hosting him for Christmas, showing off his "conquest". Never once has he asked me and my DB how we're coping through the grief. His current GF is his second relationship since my DM passed away.

A major detail is that my DM was terminally ill and on life support for 5 years. She had a nurse at home but my DF who had no other choice (as he couldn't afford a care home) also cared for her and his life was greatly limited financially and practically in those 5 years. So when she passed away it had been 5 years since my DF had been in a relationship with a woman. Since her passing he's been experiencing a mid-life crisis, dressing like he's in his 20s, going out all the time and sending the message that family is too big a commitment, "I just want to be free".

So basically your DF is not interested in suit fittings and not aware or sympathetic of first trimester challenges and he calls you only twice a month.
I don't think many men of that age are amazing at that stuff. I don't know that many people, me included, whose DF calls them even that much!
He's got a GF, he's living his life and isn't too dependent on you. Personally I think that's great!

Lol you sound like you've had a bad day.

Telling you about his sex life is off and he needs to be told to button it.

It would be nice if he could talk about your mum to you, but some people just can’t do that. I do see why this upsets you, but it isn’t intentional.

I’m not surprised he wants to be free, after 5 years as a carer. And how he dresses is absolutely none of your business. Don’t be such a sourpuss.

So essentially he lost your mum long before she died and he looked after her devotedly for five years with his life on hold? Do you not think you should cut him some slack and give him credit for everything he did for his wife?

I have given him lots of credit but that's not what this post is about. I'd rather not write an essay and focus on the question I have at present.

Yabu and sound very difficult. What on earth is he meant to do about your first trimester issues. I'm very close to my dm, live in another country yet speak only every other week. Let him live his life.

The answer to your question is that he had no life for five years and now he’s got one you seem to begrudge him it. He deserves a bit of happiness, maybe try to be happy for him?

I have shown a lot of support and have been super nice to both his GFs. My main question to this was how can I stop caring aka accept that he doesn't need to keep in touch as often as he used to and are my expectations too high. My expectations are set by his previous behaviour and the families I see around me eg my in-laws and my friends' families and how often they keep in touch with each other. It's got nothing to do with me wanting him to be unhappy.

He's 70, he lost his wife and realised how little time there was and is trying to enjoy what's left. You're settled, in a different stage of life and sounds like there's plenty of contact. You miss your mum I know but he can't fill that gap. He reached out a lot as your mum was passing for support but he doesn't need that now and you don't have time for it anyway I'd guess. YABU here 💐

I also think YABU. Most people I know don't constantly talk to their parents on the phone and once a fortnight sounds fine to me. It sounds as though your Dad has had a pretty rough few years and now he wants to be able to live his own life and enjoy it while he is young enough to. You should be concentrating on your own life and let your Dad get on with his.

Thanks for your reply, that's what I was hoping to hear as I'd rather that than have an unreasonable DF.

It seems you're grieving both the loss of your mum and the change in your relationship with your father. There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't think anyone can give you a magic solution to suddenly stop grieving or caring.

To answer your specific question, yes, I do think you are expecting too much and, in this instance, you may want to consider your own behaviour and expectations as well as your father's.

I don't mean to be rude when I say, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. The same goes for everyone who gets married. The couple are the most excited and invested, as they should be. Generally, for best men, father of the bride etc., getting fitted for a suit is not an exciting day out. It's a necessity you participate in because you care about the couple.

As for your father dating again...try to take a step back and give him the leeway you may if he were a friend of the father of a friend. Being a full time carer is bloody hard. You are Dr, nurse, psychologist, pharmacist, physiotherapist, occupational therapist, advocate, cleaner, chef, housekeeper, medical secretary, medical researcher - the list is endless, unforgiving and thankless. Your father spent 5 years caring for your mother. Whilst it is hard to hear, he is now free and I can certainly see why he wants to get as much pleasure out of life as he can.

Your father still calls you regularly, he seems to (currently) be dating someone who is aware of how things may look/feel to you and cares enough to try to make you feel better about the change in situation. Instead of mourning the relationship you want but don't have, try to enjoy what you do have.

My dad had zero interest in my pregnancy. He was fine when there was a baby though. In fact most people are not interested really. I am not sure what you expected. It's sad about your mum though - I am sure she would have been more bothered.

That's great advice, thank you.