To still feel angry

[onefinedayinthemiddleofthenight]

Background:

I met a friend (Dave) through a sport I do. Me and him met up for coffee once every couple of weeks. He had various MH issues and I attempted to support him. He also had narcissistic tendencies so there was absolutely no romantic interest. Just friendship. We are both married. I felt a bit sorry for his wife as he is clearly high maintenance and could be really difficult.

Turns out 10 years previously Dave had an affair with the childminder of their DC, and although his wife (Betty) forgave him, she clearly didn't trust him. She became obsessed that Dave and I were having an affair, stalked us, often made crazy accusations. We always invited her for coffee but she always declined, and we often had the kids with us too.

She would track him on his phone, turn up in the coffee shop and start shouting accusations at us. She started making online posts about me, accusing me of chasing her husband and tagging mutual friends in.

She would then apologise for being ridiculous but then the obsession would start again.

Eventually I had enough. Dave was very draining (whatever I did to try and help him was never good enough) and the bad times and his narcissistic tendencies started to outweigh good times. I decided it was time to call the friendship quits. I then got lots of abuse from Dave about how I was yet another person in his life abandoning him so I blocked him and his wife.

The AIBU bit:

Betty was still obsessed I had chased Dave. She took my contact details from the sports club database (she was a sport leader so had access) and used my email address to sign me up to various marital affair websites. She had also used one of my social media profile pictures and filled in ALL my personal details (name, age, job, address etc...). I was FURIOUS. I got the profiles deleted and flagged up the GDPR breach. She then used a different email address and even a year later a friend has just notified me of yet another dating site with my details on.

I have no idea how to get these removed, and feel my privacy has been totally violated for trying to help someone.

AIBU for being really angry with Betty?

Perhaps I was naïve, but Betty would apologise and make it clear she knew we were just friends and she was being ridiculous.

Before all the narcissistic behaviour appeared, he was a nice friend. We had coffee and chatted about life. Maybe I should have shut down the friendship sooner rather than later, but when you see someone's nice side, I guess you just want to think well of them and overlook the crap - no one's perfect after all. I'm sure I can be super annoying sometimes.

I think the dating accounts she set up where done over a year ago, and I'm worried if I contact the police she will start the hate campaign all over again. The police will no doubt just say I don't have enough evidence it's her (I have no other "enemies" and don't know anyone else who knew that information about me so it could only be her)

I think she is a little mentally unstable herself, although as she is married to a narcissist I also feel somewhat sorry for her as I couldn't live with someone like that. I know it doesn't excuse her behaviour though.

It just feels a little catch 22. I am furious with what she has done and having my photo and details on inappropriate websites, but worried if the police say they can't do anything other than talk to her and the nastiness starts again.

I regret ever being friends with these people and should have run a mile at the first sign of either of them being odd. I feel like such a mug.

She's behaving crazy but being with a man who lies and gaslight makes you crazy.
You way way overstepped, I really don't understand why you continued when it clearly was distressing for her. It sounds like you liked being rhe calm sensible friend he could lean on.
Just leave the poor woman alone and she'll leave you alone.

So the last thing she did was a year ago and you have just been made aware?
Are you mad? Just leave it alone. Step back and leave her alone. What on earth is wrong with you? Do you like the drama? Of making other women seem small and crazy? Why start it all back up again. I think some women never outgrow high school.

I've made it clear I don't want to start it up again.

I'm just very angry that someone is nasty enough to use my personal details including a photo to make fake profiles. It's vile. The ones she used my email address for I got shut down, but she clearly then made others on other sites which I have now just found out about.

I don't like drama. I live a nice peaceful life and always have done. Until I met Dave and Betty. I blocked them both and never gave them a second though until finding out about the other profiles the other day and it has made me feel really angry like that.

You need to check the correct procedure was followed after flagging up the GDPR breach. It doesn't sound like it was reported, and apology just doesn't come into the equation. If they have not self reported, they have committed a far greater offence - and no, she should not still be working there.

You need to follow this up. Have you got a record of your original report and the apology ( sounds like they have broken the law by trying to fob you off, and not self reporting, - they should have self reported within a couple of days)

What she did is vile, yes. But you failed to exercise good judgement.

You say you don't like drama. But there was a drama situation and you didn't extricate yourself immediately. You hung around for her to have MORE THAN ONE outburst.

I dont think it matters much what the OP did, they have had a crime committed against them, and they have not done anything criminal themselves

MN just gets madder and madder. 15% of people think OP is BU? 🤯🤯🤯

Fuck me he must have been bloody brilliant to bother to persist to see him even with all of the drama.

Why would you want to be friends with someone you know is a narcissist?

Yes I find this so strange. It’s like you enjoyed making her jealous.

Well if he wore a badge saying "I'm a narcissist" then clearly I wouldn't have ever been friends.

He seemed like a nice person to begin with and was "normal" for a long while. We had quite a common nerdy interest which would probably bore others! I guess I just got sucked in and played. I'm an idiot for trying to see the nice side.

But jealous of what?!? She said she was fine with him having friends when clearly she wasn't. I was nothing to be jealous of.

(To be fair I am likely on the spectrum so don't always get these things... from my point of view it was just a friendship. If I wanted an affair it wouldn't be with someone 10 years older than me with hair sprouting from his ear holes!😬)

I guess they'd probably change their mind if someone used their details and photo and set up dodgy profiles online with them!

I believe in karma so I like to think that Betty will get her comeuppance one day.

Yes, you should go to the police about the harassment, malicious communication and defamation, not the data breach. Look up the CPS definition of these things.

Or perhaps they couldn’t get passed the fact that you continued to meet the man despite his wife making it abundantly clear that she had serious issues with it and even stalked you.

I don't like drama.

So the first time Betty kicked off, you should have walked away. But you didn’t. You stayed. And it happened again. And again.