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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair to eldest child?

35 replies

nettle86 · 11/11/2023 15:35

I have dd(8) ds(5) and dd(2). We settled away from my family (think an hour on plane or 8 hour drive and ferry) so now with the 3 kids we only go to my home town once a year (but my parents visit once or twice too).

Last November my best friend back home had a baby and I took both my dd's back for a long weekend. DS didn't want to go and was happy to have a daddy weekend. It was great as bonfire night and my older dd had never seen a big firework display.

This year my ds has asked to go for the weekend as his birthday treat in Jan, he wants to have a sleepover at my dad's (he has a jacuzzi and a puppy lol) and my dad is happy to pay, it's about £100 but that would be a big expense for us with Christmas coming up too. We will be back for his actual birthday.

I'd love to do this, with 3 children and him the middle child he often gets overlooked, 2year old is understandably taking a lot of time and dd1 has had lots of special days out etc over the years. However dd1 is upset and says its not fair as ds had the chance to go last year and turned it down so she should get the choice this year.

For context we did go back home for a fortnight as a family over the summer, my mum is just back from a weekend visit and my dad is coming for Christmas so it's not like she hasn't seen them recently.

I'm feeling guilty about leaving both the girls (I work full time) and her reaction is just making it worse, or should I just give ds the weekend he wants and dd1 will have to accept it.

OP posts:
maybein2022 · 11/11/2023 15:37

This is tricky. Your DD probably feels like she didn’t get time away ‘just’ her whereas your DS will?

MaryShelley1818 · 11/11/2023 15:39

I would let DS have his time away and say DD can choose something to do for her Birthday.

TheSeasonalNameChange · 11/11/2023 15:39

Surely you just say she can go with just you for her birthday since the birthday treat is one on one time really?

IhearyouClemFandango · 11/11/2023 15:40

This is his birthday treat, if that's his present that's fine!

She doesn't have to do everything

AllosaurusMum · 11/11/2023 15:52

Are you willing to do the same for her birthday?

If not, then she's right. He chose not to go before. She also didn't get to go on her own, so it's pretty unfair to exclude her just to please him.

RedCoffeeCup · 11/11/2023 15:53

Agree with pp, it's fine as long as she gets to choose for her birthday and you'd be able to take her if she chooses a similar thing.

FestiveSandman · 11/11/2023 15:54

AllosaurusMum · 11/11/2023 15:52

Are you willing to do the same for her birthday?

If not, then she's right. He chose not to go before. She also didn't get to go on her own, so it's pretty unfair to exclude her just to please him.

This.

StarlightLime · 11/11/2023 15:55

Yeah, I think she's right, actually.

MissyB1 · 11/11/2023 15:55

It’s his birthday treat not hers.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/11/2023 15:57

So your DS got 1 on 1 time with his father and will again now, I agree with your DD she should get to go.

UsingChangeofName · 11/11/2023 16:03

Not 100% sure which way the vote is.? I clicked YANBU meaning YANBU to to go.

I think YABU to think it is unfair.

Over the years there will be lots of opportunities presented to one child and not another. As parents you do the best for them at that time and in those circumstances. Being fair to each of them doesn't mean doing or giving the same thing to each of them at the same time.

Last time it was dd1's turn to go. This year it is ds's turn to go.

Aturtleatemysandwich · 11/11/2023 16:04

Depends - ok she had to share her trip last autumn with her toddler sister, but are the special days out 1:1? Each child should have some 1:1 time, so I don’t think she should go on her brother’s trip but I do think it’s fair to offer her a similar trip for her birthday. And to do the same for the youngest in due course.

SMTWTFS · 11/11/2023 16:06

I agree with your DD. Not fair to just take 1 child. He chose to stay home last year.

saffronsoup · 11/11/2023 16:08

Last years trip was not a treat for her. You went back to see a friend took your kids. This year you are making this trip a treat for one child but not the others.

I agree with your daughter. This isn’t fair.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 11/11/2023 16:09

I think she's right, he was offered the opportunity last year and declined -she isn't being offered the chance to turn it down is she? Your son chose not to go, she should get the opportunity to either go or get her own 1:1 trip.

Original poster
nettle86 · 11/11/2023 16:12

Yes of course, although she just had one so will have to wait a while which she's struggling with. She went to build a bear and a "yes day" for her last birthday so perhaps not on the same scale but was very happy with it. I also pointed out to her for her 6th birthday (which what ds will be) we were on holiday in centre parcs.

OP posts:
Redditchcycler · 11/11/2023 16:14

nettle86 · 11/11/2023 16:12

Yes of course, although she just had one so will have to wait a while which she's struggling with. She went to build a bear and a "yes day" for her last birthday so perhaps not on the same scale but was very happy with it. I also pointed out to her for her 6th birthday (which what ds will be) we were on holiday in centre parcs.

But a family holiday is not a special treat for her birthday surely ? Unless it was just you and her ?

SecondUsername4me · 11/11/2023 16:15

Just take her and ds. Leave the 2yo with dad.

StarlightLime · 11/11/2023 16:16

nettle86 · 11/11/2023 16:12

Yes of course, although she just had one so will have to wait a while which she's struggling with. She went to build a bear and a "yes day" for her last birthday so perhaps not on the same scale but was very happy with it. I also pointed out to her for her 6th birthday (which what ds will be) we were on holiday in centre parcs.

The whole family were in Centreparcs, presumably? What difference does that make? It was hardly a birthday treat specially for her?

Original poster
nettle86 · 11/11/2023 16:18

I do think she has a point which is why I'm asking, I had the tickets for the two of us in the basket and decided to post this thread instead.

As to last year it was a very big treat for her. My best friend is also her god mother and she was so excited to see the baby and we had lots of special times.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 11/11/2023 16:18

It's his birthday treat.

Hankunamatata · 11/11/2023 16:20

Will ds mind if dd goes? Do they play together? Do they get on? Is she the type to hog grandparents attention?

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/11/2023 16:20

I think if you don't let him have this it won't be fair on him. There is nothing stopping your daughter asking for the same for her birthday?

Original poster
nettle86 · 11/11/2023 16:24

Hankunamatata · 11/11/2023 16:20

Will ds mind if dd goes? Do they play together? Do they get on? Is she the type to hog grandparents attention?

They get on well but he has asked for this to be a special trip for him.

With him being only 5 though I could probably convince him bringing dd would be a good idea though.

OP posts:
5128gap · 11/11/2023 16:25

My rule of thumb would be to never be persuaded out of doing something lovely for one for fear of putting another's nose out of joint. For one thing, it's not good to indulge mean spirited 'it's not fair' thinking (provided you're comfortable you are fair) and for another, it just leads to a whole other problem when one realises the other has been the cause of the nice thing not happening.