Splitting Christmas

[Su5677]

Hello everyone

I just wanted to find out if I really am being unreasonable in my situation. I don’t want to split Christmas Day with my daughters father.

Backstory- I have a dd 5 with my ex and a 1 year old ds with my current partner.

Me and ex split before we found out I was pregnant and since then he has seen dd every other weekend, some occasions he has gone over 3 weeks without contact and bailed/let us down but for the most part it’s been fine.

Our relationship with each other is fine and everyone gets on. Never been many issues.

The days dd is not with her dad,it’s no contact/no checking in on her. So I wouldn’t consider him a co-parent by any means as he doesn’t play an active role in her life. Just no involvement in her daily life. Although, I have always encouraged more days and let him know even impromptu pick ups to have her for dinner or take her to the park is fine with me. He’s never asked to have her on his annual leave or over Christmas break. He lives 5 minutes away and knows I stay home with the children 5 out of 7 days.

He pays what dd is entitled to, although with some major hesitation. Obviously pays nothing towards nursery fees (I’m not sure if separated couples do this or not). Although thinking about it..he doesn’t have to pay to go to work, take a day off work if child is poorly or work around school hours/12 weeks school holidays.

Anyway, dd dad has asked to split Christmas Day. We already split the day between me and dp family and conscious of my other dc being alone. For the record he’s never asked to have him on xmas day and has always had her the day after every year. Two christmas days for dd- great! I’m also a bit adverse as he doesn’t play an active role despite encouragement and complete availability from me. It seems he just wants to be a dad on Christmas Day. I might be wrong but what does everyone think about this?

I did say to her dad I wasn’t sure on a split day as logistically wouldn’t work for our family but did let him know we would make something work. Maybe pick up at 4pm to sleep over into Boxing Day? I was met with a lot of hostility and told we are equal and she is just as much his daughter as she is mine.

Personally it feels a bit unfair that I parent all year round and still lose the important days. He’s also asked from next year that Xmas and birthday’s alternate. Why doesn’t he want to see her on regular days?

aibu? tia

sorry reposted with corrections!

I'd be saying no, unless it's what suits your family which your DD is part of for the main. By all means 4pm pick up in to Boxing Day as a compromise though.
You'd be met with hostility for many things by the sound of it, so do what is best for your children and your family unit.

I dont think your being unreasonable. If he was a more active parent as in he has dd 2/3 days a week and committed then I'd say you should split it as that would be only fair. But if he honestly thinks your both equal in this then he needs to be pulling his weight the rest of the year. A child isn't just for Christmas or when he feels like it.

YANBU.

I would respond “In what world are we equal parents? You see DD every other weekend and don’t bother checking up on her in-between! You don’t get to be a part-time father and then demand DD on special occasions. If you want an equal share of the best bits of being a parent then you need to step up and do your fair share of the hard bits too. In the past I have tried to be accommodating of your last-minute requests but it’s not fair for DD to have a fragmented Christmas Day and force me to change our plans just because it suits you.”

Just say no. When DD gets older (year 7 age I’d say- so 11 or 12), she can make the decision. Right now, you’re her main carer and these decisions come down to you. Your ex can like it or lump it.

My ex used to be the same, in fact the situation sounds almost identical, except he once didn’t see him for 2.5 years! DS only chose to go to him once and then has always had Christmas with me and his step-dad.

YANBU

He will see her either xmas eve or nye whichever his weekend is. He doesn't get to have the special days when he doesn't bother usually.

So he waited until she was out of the high needs baby/toddler stage before he decided he wanted to spend time with her? What a twerp, I would not be agreeing to this - he is either a co-parent and does his fair share throughout the year if he wants any of the special days, or he just leaves things well alone.

I agree with pulling him up about her being equally your DD. My DD splits Christmas day but only because she works from midday (NHS). He's been in and out of work, but doesn't offer childcare. Stick to the 4pm.