To think that unexpected pregnant when one half of couple doesn't want kids is ever a positive outcome

[lolaslonglayers]

Can it be?How did it work out for the marriage/ couple?
Did OH come round if: when or before baby arrived?

Can I help untwist your knickers for you?

Is it possible that he was so adamant he didn't want kids because he thought it wasn't possible.

@Honeychickpea - it's a real life conversation I've heard/ been involved with several times too. Women diagnosed with PCOS, and told by a GP- with no specialist appointments that it's very unlikely they ever will, will be extremely difficult, etc- and then they seemed surprised that using no contraception led to a pregnancy. It's one of my personal irritations!

I worry my partner would resent me if it happened unexpectedly, I mean if you’re using contraception it’s probably unlikely to happen unless there’s been a slip up? I heard of someone that purposely didn’t take the morning after pill and her boyfriend resented her and ultimately the relationship broke down. I think it really depends though

I know two women in real life who admitted to a group of mutual friends that they’d oopsed their partners/husbands on purpose. I was startled that nobody seemed to be reacting to it and said I thought that was pretty shocking. Both said the guy deserved it for being selfish and refusing to provide a sibling for their existing child, which said child deserved and needed.

Lots of nodding within the group. I distanced myself afterwards because I thought, and still do, that this was such an awful thing to do to a child. As far as I know they’re both still together though.

I’ve seen so so many people on MN describe having had a “surprise baby” when they weren’t using any protection and vociferously deny that they were TTC. I don’t believe many accidental pregnancy stories as a result.

Men need to control their own contraception- if you don’t want children you use a condom every time, regardless of what your partner tells you.

You can’t complain when your partner falls pregnant if you have done zero to prevent it happening

Perhaps she was told it would be unlikely to have children. Now is super excited as she’d thought she’d never have the chance to be a mother.

In my teens I was told my endometriosis would reduce my chances of conceiving naturally. Didn’t get pregnant in my 20s despite trying for years. I had sort of ruled out Dc and then fell pregnant very quickly with a new partner at 30.

No such thing as an accident. It’s 2023, many forms of contraceptions and abortions if you really don’t want to be pregnant. Women who do this know what they’re doing?

Or what when that person who was very recently adamant about not wanting kids,starts behaving weirdly almost jumping for joy yet isn't involved in any prenatal care or preparation for baby? Only speaking about how it will affect him and his freedom?
An odd reaction to which I dont know how to respond.
Brother in this situation.
Great guy but ridiculously selfish, even in his relationship.

I think one (or more) things almost always happen in this kind of scenario:

1, He'll be what gets described as "loving father" but doesn't remotely do his share of childcare or the life admin of kids.
2, He'll leave when the child is young and he's not getting the attention & sex that he expects.
3, He'll cheat because he's not getting the attention & sex that he expects.

Live and well baby is a positive outcome.

My nephew was the result of his (overseas needing a visa) mother telling my brother she was infertile and falling pregnant 3 months into their relationship. He married her to avoid her being deported when the visa expired and taking the baby with her. Unfortunately for her, he’s a sociopathic c*nt so the marriage was extremely unhappy (though he was in fact delighted to have a child to manipulate). The child is now an adult and they divorced many years ago when the child started secondary but he continues to make her life a misery and I doubt she thinks it was all worth it…

I genuinely got pregnant unexpectedly with dc3 (using condoms, it must have split)
Dh was completely against it. Kept bringing up abortion, and tbh I wasn’t sure about it myself but continued with the pregnancy. Dc3 is now the apple of his eye. They dote on each other and dc3 is very attached to him. So it can work out.

I think this depends on a lot of things.

Higher chance of it not working out:

• Not married
• First pregnancy/child
• Short (under 2 year) relationship
• accidentally on purpose pregnancy
• one parent clear on no children right now rather than on the fence

More likely to work out

• already have children
• married
• long term relationship
• genuinely accidental
• one parent sees it as unexpected rather than fully against

That's just my view.

It's an awful thing to do but so many dads (who apparently wanted kids) are shit that it's difficult to get too exercised about the "why would you want your kids to have a dad who didn't want them?" argument. At least you know what you're getting into, I suppose.

I think it is unlikely to end well if one partner is actively against having children. I imagine it does work out ok in the end, with both parents being active, engaged and loving parents once the child arrives and the relationship working out just fine. But in my experience that is not the case, resentment sets in and it’s not “happily ever after” at all.

I also agree that most “accidental” pregnancies are not really truly accidental. Of those I know of, a good percentage were not-so-accidental- e.g. to try and save a failing relationship/because the woman really wanted a child/another child and thought he’d come round etc. I know one was due to it being thought that one partner was infertile, so perhaps more understandable. A few have been due to less than reliable use of hormonal contraception/condoms or use of less than reliable methods (fertility tracking/withdrawal etc). I would say these are not accidental at all- it’s either ignorance or carelessness- if you chose a method of contraception whose efficacy relies on you taking it daily then you’d better make sure you take it the way you’re supposed to or it may not work, for instance. Or learn how to put in a condom properly.

Yes, no contraception is 100% but many are pretty close and the difference between clinically proven effectiveness and effectiveness in actual use tells us that most failures are not due to “contraceptive failures “ but due to user error. They aren’t the same thing. True contraceptive failure does happen- of course it does- but far rarer than I think most people think.

I would also say in a committed relationship it is reasonable to assume that if you have both agreed to a particular form of contraception which falls to one partner to take responsibility for, that they will reliably use it. So if it’s condoms it’s reasonable to assume your partner will use them, know how to do so and not deliberately tamper or remove them. Likewise, if it’s the pill that they will take them as they are meant to be used and will tell you if there is a reason they might not be effective (e.g. missed pill) so an alternative can be used. I think saying any man who doesn’t use a condom in a committed relationship- even one where another form of contraception has been agreed upon by both parties- is essentially agreeing to his partner to get pregnant is wrong. Yes, if it is a genuine failure (which, if contraception is used properly are rare) then it is one of those things but I think it is disingenuous to imply it’s all down to men and they should just be happy and get on with it. Obviously, with one night stands, a fling or a very new relationship then if you don’t want a pregnancy then it is only sensible to use a condom if they don’t want a pregnancy.

I had 4 friends get accidentally pregnant in 1 year! 1 had the coil! These were all genuine accidents, they were pretty upset about it. Let's remember about the sexist tropes on this subject and how it suits men who often fail to take their share of contraceptive responsibility.