To hurt when my child hurts

KitKatrunchie · 2023-11-11T00:37:07+00:00

About boys, friends etc how do you deal with it? do I just allow it because it’s a ‘learning experience’ and ‘she needs to go through it to learn about herself’ she’s 13 and I feel her for her and want to save her.

Flittingaboutagain · 11/11/2023 05:34

Ah it's normal. I remember the first time my toddler got pushed by another child. She looked at me and burst into tears and it hurt me so much! But the world has, sadly, so many horrible lessons ahead for our daughters.

I think you empathise and support her, teaching her as best as you can all the ways she could possibly respond, encourage her to test them out etc then privately deal with your secondary hurt so she doesn't feel responsible for your upset.

MidnightOnceMore · 11/11/2023 05:44

What do you mean by 'do I just allow it?' We can't stop our children experiencing upset.

We can help them in two ways - genuine emotional support and modelling self-respect and self-care.

Nonplusultra · 11/11/2023 05:48

I know what you mean. We’re also in a stage of life that needs a lot of cuddles and empathy. Girl friendships are difficult to navigate and by providing a listening ear, and an atmosphere of compassion, you’re already doing something important.

There’s a fine line between empathy, and making her issues all about your feelings.

Noicant · 11/11/2023 05:54

Yeah like being stabbed in the heart over and over sometimes. It’s the part of being a parent I really hate, that quote about having your heart walking around outside your body is so true.

But your job is to help her regulate and calm her emotions. It’s difficult because my instinct is to get upset and angry but it’s best for my DD if I stay calm and rational.

ImDuranDuran · 11/11/2023 06:18

I think it brings back memories of our own painful experiences at that age so you know just how bloody awful it can feel.

I have a DD14 and this has been one of the toughest years yet. I actually find it even more difficult to navigate than I thought I would as even though I've 'been there' as such, it was over 20 years ago and life is so different now.

All you can do is be there for her when she needs you.

gofullpelt · 11/11/2023 06:37

It's normal. Mine are adults now and I still do!

AhBiscuits · 11/11/2023 06:39

Yanbu, it's awful but so natural. We want to shield them from all hurt.

My son didn't get invited to a party and he was OK with it and on the outside I was all 'nevermind, they didn't have spaces for everyone' but inside I was hurting and felt rage that they would exclude my wonderful boy.

Bbq1 · 11/11/2023 07:17

Flittingaboutagain · 11/11/2023 05:34

Ah it's normal. I remember the first time my toddler got pushed by another child. She looked at me and burst into tears and it hurt me so much! But the world has, sadly, so many horrible lessons ahead for our daughters.

I think you empathise and support her, teaching her as best as you can all the ways she could possibly respond, encourage her to test them out etc then privately deal with your secondary hurt so she doesn't feel responsible for your upset.

And our sons too.

CoffeeCantata · 11/11/2023 07:17

It's the worst aspect of parenthood! There's a saying: as a parent, you're only ever as happy as your unhappiest child'.

You'd much rather go through the misery yourself than see your child suffering. It's the one thing that, if I had my time again, might stop me having kids. Youv'e just got to support them, find ways of building up their self-esteem and show by example how to get through difficult patches/relationships/challenges.

Easy for me to type - really difficult to achieve, I know - I've been through a lot with my two!

CurlewKate · 11/11/2023 09:07

I'm sorry- it never goes away. My adult daughter was in an abusive relationship for a year. I can't say I felt what she did-what she suffered was a million times worse. But I felt her pain every day.

TheaBrandt · 11/11/2023 09:09

Also you are essentially powerless especially with teen friendship issues

User0000009 · 11/11/2023 09:12

The feeling never goes. It’s true that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child. We can’t write a script for their lives. All we can do is be there for emotional support, offer sound advice and hope they make sensible decisions x

Topseyt123 · 11/11/2023 10:53

I do understand what you mean. I am currently going through it with my DD3, who is 21 and in her final year at Cambridge university. It's very hard. She's no snowflake, it has been a traumatic event.

Thankfully we don't live too far from Cambridge so I was able to go there for a few hours to try and calm things down a little. We had a long chat, a pizza and a drink. I'll do it again if needed, but the end of term is only three weeks away now so she will be home. I offered to bring her home with me for a few days when I visited, but she wanted to stay put and continue with her regular classes, clubs and activities, which I guess was for the best.

All you can really do is provide loving support and advice (without judgement as far as possible) and make sure they know you are there for them. That holds throughout the teenage years and into adult life too - my three DDs are all in their twenties now and two are currently needing my support for different reasons. The other one is my DD2, though she does still live at home.

It's difficult because your instinct is to try and take the pain away. That's usually not possible though. Life happens, shit happens too and they need to learn to deal with it. Our roles are as a support and an understanding, non-judgemental adviser.

Good luck to you and your DD.