To think polyamory tends to benefit men more than women?

[BreRaphael]

I have recently come out of an incredibly tumultuous polyamorous relationship with a man who turned out to be a very selfish, narcissistic and controlling person who destroyed my self confidence for months and made me question my sanity.

Right now I am trying to get back to the person I was before, but it is so difficult. My other relationship, friendships and various other aspects of my personal life have all been severely affected by this.

I understand that if done 'right' polyamory could be a very positive thing, but that certainly wasn't my experience.

Just wondering what others think about this?

I think, done ethically and with true honesty and care, it can be a great experience.

I think some people use it as yet another way to behave awfully and hurt people. I’m sorry you met one of those people. It’s really painful.

I think an unfortunate number of manipulative and narcissistic people are inevitably drawn to those who will consider polyamory so they can twist the situation for their own needs with relatively little effort.

I think most poly relationships are entered into because one of the couple want to do it and the other goes along with it because they are scared to lose their partner.

The partner who wants it will always get more out of it than the other, whether male or female.

I’d assume men are more likely to behave badly and take advantage of whatever situation they are in, including polyamory.

Polyamory is not for me. However I could see it working for women who are looking for something specific and are in control of the dynamics.

I can’t see the benefit to children in/of those situations.

My rather judgmental and ignorant perspective is it let’s people enjoy variety with reduced commitment. I see it as a way of avoiding or working though complex relationships. But I’m ignorant. I just know a couple whose marriage ended when the chap broke the rules of their arrangement.

For me, the boundaries and rules of marriage make it easier to recognise bad behaviour.

Yup. My ex (narc) talked me into it I now know so he could justify getting his leg over with a woman he had his eye on.

It backfired because I immediately attracted a bloke and started having sex with him whereas the bird was far more savvy than me and was having none of it 🤣 ...we divorced very shortly after when I suddenly came to my senses.

He definitely did a lot of that, behaving like a puppet master and sharing very intimate things about me with another female partner of his without my consent. Woe betide me if I stepped out of line/didn't follow his rules though. 🙄

Definitely steering clear of polyamory going forward.

I think the key to having a successful relationship is knowing and accepting yourself, being comfortable enough to have strong boundaries and recognising that someone who tramples on your boundaries, regardless of their other lovely attributes, is wrong for you.

I know polyamory would not be good for me because I need a very high degree of commitment to feel secure.

Lots of people will judge me for how I’m wired but that’s okay because I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who has a problem with how I am. And I only have to find one person who fits with me in a way that is emotionally healthy for him too.

Don’t waste time trying to work this guy out, or even men in general. Just work out how you feel, and what your hard lines are - drop the self-judgement because it really doesn’t matter whether you’re cool, or open minded, or whatever gaslighting buzzword is currently in vogue to blur the lines. Just be true to yourself.

If you have to pick over the relationship focus on understanding why you don’t call time sooner. You know you deserve much better so don’t settle for less.

I've never seen it work and by that I mean benefit anyone in them.

Opening up a bit sexually if done right for both partners sure, but maintaining and balancing relationships with several people no.

I think as a lifestyle it often attracts certain types of men who like to exploit and manipulate.

this doesn’t answer your question, but I know a serial cheater who converted to non-monogamy. He then cheated on his partners and lied to them in non-monogamy too. He will never admit that he just enjoys hurting women, but he clearly does.

I have thought about this a lot and I’m trying not to be narrow minded but I genuinely think when your partner is no longer enough for you you need to leave the relationship.

And I would also guess the overwhelming majority of polyamorous relationships are started because men wanted to have their cake and eat it so to speak.

If you’re not happy, leave and date whoever you like. Having both is going to end in tears for someone.

Just my opinion, not fact.

Also this

I've been poly my whole adult life.
To clarify, because a depressing number of people think poly = promiscuous, I've had 5 romantic partners in the last 15 years, only 3 of which were sexual.
No issues with promiscuity, if that's what suits, just that it's not the same as poly.

If you do it ethically and with lots of open honest conversations and care for people's well-being, my experience is that it's got pretty much the same risk factors and levels of risk as most relationship forms, just more complex because there are more people's needs, wants, quirks and insecurities to manage and balance. And people are complicated.

Are there a lot of people who are unethical, manipulative, selfish, want to fuck around and do it under the banner of "poly"?
Sure, but there are plenty of those in the "monogamous" world as well.

It's just more generally frowned upon when it's called "cheating", whereas because the majority aren't poly, it's sometimes seen as more ambiguous when someone displays the same unethical behaviours there.

The behaviours are the problem, not the relationship labels.

@BreRaphael Much sympathy, and I think maybe your problem isn't poly, it's that your ex was an asshole.

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.

So does monogamy, unfortunately.

Very true

For it to work surely all partners have to be on tbe same page.

I find it hard enough maintaining a committed sexual and emotional relationship with one person let alone more. Christ, it makes me feel tired just thinking about it!