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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want the in laws round again

15 replies

Sunnylove22 · 10/11/2023 14:42

DH and I have just had a baby (10 weeks) and invited DH’s siblings and families and parents round to meet him and a general get together.

For context they all live in the same town,we live an hour away. We have been together 3 years, married for 1 and now have a DS. We live in a house that I bought only a couple of months before we started seeing each other. DH swore he would never move out of his hometown didn’t want to settle down etc but that all changed and he moved in with me. I was divorced with 2 children who live with me full time. I work really hard to provide a good quality of life for them and provide them with every opportunity I can. My parents were not well off and I missed out on a lot growing up but that has spurred me on to work hard use my education and get a good job (no slight on them whatsoever.)

We were sat chatting and I asked my older children if they wanted to take his nieces up to the playroom to get toys out, play on the computer etc. BIL makes up a comment along the lines of ‘ooh playroom aren’t you posh’ I ignored it and moved on. SIL then says where’s all your washing our house is full of it. I replied with a laugh saying it’s all in the utility out of sight out of mind. She then says ‘ooh she has a utility!’ I mentioned this to DH and he says oh it’s just a bit of fun. A couple more comments along the same lines came my way during the evening which I found bizzare.

Now DH has decided we should have everyone round again at Christmas time because it was nice. I’ve said I don’t want them here again because of how they made me feel. All his siblings collect benefits of some kind and don’t work. Don’t get me wrong I’ve got nothing against people who get a bit of help but SIL refuses to work because she can’t get a job within school hours, other SIL keeps having a child every 5 years so she can’t work, BIL claims dodgy disability. They definitely have more disposable income than me at the end of the month along with free childcare, free dental, free kids activities, no rent, council tax etc and then come at me for working hard and affording a nice life?

I don’t want to host again- I’ve got nothing against seeing them again but DH thinks I’m being unreasonable and don’t understand family dynamics because I don’t spend time with my parents and siblings. AIBU?

OP posts:

divinededacende · 10/11/2023 14:55

Absolutely not enough context to judge. On the surface it seems like them being a bit thoughtless in their humour and you being a a tad judgemental.

You've been together 3 years, what's your relationship been like with them up until now? Are they generally good people? Is this their style of "banter" with each other? I don't mean making fun of posh things, I mean taking the piss in general.

My social group have all developed in different ways. We're all working class background but some have done better financially than others and we absolutely take the piss out of each other. But we know each other, it's a safe space and we're all secure in our friendship.

Context and intent matters.

I get that you might feel a bit under the microscope and judged but from the sounds of their living circumstances, they're also out of their comfort zone in your space.

Maybe a bit of meeting in the middle and better communication all round?

Timeforsnacks · 23/12/2023 20:17

Sounds like they feel awkward in your home because it's bigger than what they are used to. They are probably surprised after assuming you lived like them for years!
Doesn't sound like there's ill intent but you will for a long time probably be made to feel awkward in their homes with jokes about visiting the East and West wings lol
I wouldn't host again so that you aren't uncomfortable in your home and would get in on the jokes to get it all over and done with quickly.
Hopefully they don't start expecting you to chip in more for things etc....

HeddaGarbled · 23/12/2023 20:23

I was on your side before you came out with all that bollocks about them being better off than you on benefits.

WillowCraft · 23/12/2023 20:25

People who've never worked have no idea - they are always the most demanding and least appreciative people. You can't expect any different. Why associate with lazy freeloaders. I wouldn't have them round again. Stick to people who earn their own living. If your DH wants to see them he can meet them elsewhere
To be honest it sounds like he wants to show off to them. Does he contribute equally to the household?

Lighrbulbmo · 23/12/2023 20:29

You do sound a tad stuck up .. sorry and hope you don’t mean to. They didn’t say anything particularly out there or offensive tbh. Sounds like you have a chip or two. The benefit bashing is unnecessary.

WillowCraft · 23/12/2023 20:30

Maybe respond in kind... "At least we pay for it ourselves, haha" "you could have a nice home too if you weren't so lazy, haha". It won't be difficult to think of some good put responses in kind. There's no need to be embarrassed about your wealth as long as you are paying your taxes

Sapphire387 · 23/12/2023 20:33

Plenty of people are working hard but unable to afford a home like yours. This sounds like a stealth boast tbh.

DojaPhat · 23/12/2023 20:35

I think you're all as bad as each other. If you genuinely believe that they have more money or rather disposable income than you at the end of the month then why not follow suit and join them since it seems a cushy life?

beatrix1234 · 23/12/2023 20:38

Your relatives sound a bit judgemental and insecure but you’ve given little context, it might just be some fun bantering with no ill intentions or it might not. Maybe you’re the insecure one? 🤔 In any case it’s your home and you get to decide who visits, oh wait but you live with a partner so you only get to decide 50%. Ouch.

Fionaville · 23/12/2023 20:42

Maybe they just think your house is really nice, so they are commenting on it.
I'd find it more bizarre if people who weren't used to play rooms etc, didn't comment to be honest. We always get things like "I wish we had a play room like this" from other parents when they visit here.
I actually think that you are the one who's being judgey. They are saying nice things about your home, while you only have negative things to say about them.

Coconutter24 · 23/12/2023 20:59

DojaPhat · 23/12/2023 20:35

Why would OP follow suit? She says she works really hard to be able to have a good quality of like. Sounds like they have a great work ethic and take pride in being able to provide for her own children through hard work.

DojaPhat · 23/12/2023 21:55

@Coconutter24 Because under the current framework, nobody on benefits can afford so much as a tin of beans to rinse out and piss in. Indeed even people with jobs are increasingly relying on food banks. My comment was referring to views like the ones espoused by the OP - 'dodgy disability', 'keep having kids', 'refusal to work', is why the government can continue undermining public services to enrich themselves while telling you and me the real problem are the people on benefits.

Janieforever · 23/12/2023 21:57

You don’t want them round again due to two minor comments? Is there a back story, you know, like you’re highly unreasonable as a person normally?

greengreengrass25 · 23/12/2023 22:11

DojaPhat · 23/12/2023 21:55

I think though there are people like that who haven't got a good work ethic

Yanbu OP

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/12/2023 22:12

I hope you ring-fenced your house when you got married. In the end, if you feel uncomfortable having them there then don't have them. Why don't you see your own family?

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