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AIBU?

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Original poster

Turning down full time job when on benefits

23 replies

Grumpynan · 10/11/2023 14:14

Am I being a grumpy old lady when I say this is really getting to me ?

The young lady, is in a relationship but lives in her own place and child free. A lovely bubbly girl who loves to live life, she’s my friends daughter, her mum has washed her hand of her, and I have to agree when she says her daughter is a taker, never lend her money you never get it back, she arrives at dinner time and always after a doggy bag. But she’s so full of life nobody (until recently)but her mum can say no. I saw her a few days ago and she told me she’s upset because all her “ friends “ are suddenly drifting away and she’s lonely. She told me she went to the pub the night before and everyone left soon after, no one stopped to have a drink with her. I tried to tactfully say that maybe if she offered to stand her round people would stay. Her response, I’ve no money 🙄.

I asked her how her new job was going, she had been due to start the week before and she told me she had changed her mind and not turned up, the one before she stuck at for a week, She just doesn’t stick to anything and in her mothers words is lazy.

she’s had loads of chances, I’ve known her 3 years now and she’s had countless jobs stuck them for a week or two then been on benefits for month’s in between.

I just get so frustrated that the system lets her get away with it. DH suggested earlier that maybe she doesn’t declare her jobs, but how could she be on benefits for over 3 years and no one question it.

she’s young healthy just lazy

sorry if I’m being an old grump, but I just had to get it off my chest

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 10/11/2023 14:20

It’s not the system it’s her “ friends “ .

She needs to hit that reality of living on benefits .

SecretVictoria · 10/11/2023 14:20

Depends on a lot really. Does she have any actual qualifications? Even the Jobcentre (or whatever they’re called) will struggle to find you work with no qualifications. What will be on her ‘side’ (as such) is that an employer can dismiss you for any reason (as long as not discriminatory) under 2 years service. So she could well be declaring these jobs and the managers/boss saying she wasn’t suitable.

I think for a time you can restrict the wages/places etc that you are willing to do. For example when I was on the dole about 20-odd years ago, for the first twelve weeks I was allowed to say I wouldn’t have to work for less pay than my previous role and I didn’t want to work more than x miles away from my home address or somewhere that wasn’t accessible by public transport (I didn’t drive at the time).

Spendonsend · 10/11/2023 14:26

Maybe her sugar daddy sorts out her housing. ive never heard of a young single person, out of workhaving their own accommodation. Its all house shares.

Even my nephew with severe learning disabilities is expected to house share in his supported accommodation as a single man.

Neriah · 10/11/2023 14:28

Starlightstarbright2 · 10/11/2023 14:20

It’s not the system it’s her “ friends “ .

She needs to hit that reality of living on benefits .

Have I misunderstood what you are saying, because I don't think it's her "friends" - it's the fact that she's a shiftless freeloader, and people do get fed up of that. She clearly is capable of getting work, but doesn't want to.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/11/2023 14:50

Sounds very sad to me- not a life I’d envy. She has low aspirations so clearly somethings not right with her.

Universalsnail · 10/11/2023 14:57

Tbh considering she gets jobs but cant stick at them and drops them easily implies to me something more going on then being lazy. If she were lazy she wouldn't get the job in the first place. There is a reason she is dropping them that you are probably not privileged to information about as she might not understand herself. Perhaps it's anxiety, poor executive function etc. This was me. Always getting a job, never holding down the job. Turned out I had undiagnosed ADHD and then it made a lot of sense. She young and sounds like she needs guidance to find something that would be a good fit for her that she would be able to maintain not judgement over being "lazy"

NancyPickford · 10/11/2023 15:07

I may have out-of-date information, but I thought that if you voluntarily packed in a job then you couldn't claim benefits for something like six weeks or so?

SirenSays · 10/11/2023 15:13

Universalsnail · 10/11/2023 14:57

Tbh considering she gets jobs but cant stick at them and drops them easily implies to me something more going on then being lazy. If she were lazy she wouldn't get the job in the first place. There is a reason she is dropping them that you are probably not privileged to information about as she might not understand herself. Perhaps it's anxiety, poor executive function etc. This was me. Always getting a job, never holding down the job. Turned out I had undiagnosed ADHD and then it made a lot of sense. She young and sounds like she needs guidance to find something that would be a good fit for her that she would be able to maintain not judgement over being "lazy"

Edited

This! It's not a piece of cake applying for jobs, passing interviews etc. I'd bet there's a lot more going on than Laziness

ScholesPanda · 10/11/2023 15:39

You may be right OP, she may just be lazy. If she is, eventually it will catch up with her and her benefits will be stopped. Presumably her boyfriend and friends have been funding her too, covering any gaps or extras.

YABU to stress about it though, you can't control what she does, and people like that have always existed and probably always will.

MableT · 10/11/2023 15:41

She can be as lazy as she wants but she will never have much in life.

benefitsterrified · 10/11/2023 15:42

She could have undiagnosed (or diagnosed but you don't know) MH issues, or have ADHD or ASD.

SecretVictoria · 10/11/2023 17:29

NancyPickford · 10/11/2023 15:07

I may have out-of-date information, but I thought that if you voluntarily packed in a job then you couldn't claim benefits for something like six weeks or so?

That used to be the case, no idea if it still is. If you were sacked however, as long as it wasn’t for gross misconduct, you could still claim.

Circularargument · 10/11/2023 17:33

Spendonsend · 10/11/2023 14:26

Maybe her sugar daddy sorts out her housing. ive never heard of a young single person, out of workhaving their own accommodation. Its all house shares.

Even my nephew with severe learning disabilities is expected to house share in his supported accommodation as a single man.

That won't be the benefits system, that'll be the support agency. Cheaper to support 2 in 1 House.

BlueGrey1 · 10/11/2023 18:04

Is she surviving just on benefits or is her boyfriend helping her out

LakeTiticaca · 10/11/2023 18:09

I remember the days when if people turned down suitable employment their benefits would be withdrawn. Surprising how fast they would take up a job with the threat of no hand outs!!

Gerrataere · 10/11/2023 18:11

She lives in her own place only on benefits? How on earth is she affording that?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/11/2023 18:14

If she’s under 35 she can only claim for a shared house (so she’ll be topping ip her rent) and she’d be on jobseekers

But it’s unlikely she’d get away with 3 years and turning down jobs without sanction. She’s not living the high life if she is claiming, but sounds more like she has an income elsewhere.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/11/2023 18:16

@SirenSays

This! It's not a piece of cake applying for jobs, passing interviews etc. I'd bet there's a lot more going on than Laziness

But the issue isn't that she can't get jobs it's that she doesn't stick at them.

It sounds to me as if she has another source of income (probably a bloke) and can't really be arsed.

It will come back to bite her at some point and she'll learn.

TripleCooked · 10/11/2023 18:19

She sounds a bit mindless. Presumably her personality and charm is getting her through at the moment, but as the years go on that will fade and she'll have a non existent cv and no employer will want her.

Agree she's a waster.

Neriah · 10/11/2023 18:24

BlueGrey1 · 10/11/2023 18:04

Is she surviving just on benefits or is her boyfriend helping her out

She clearly isn't because she borrows money she doesn't repay, she turns up to people home when they are having dinner and wants food to take away, and she arrives at the pub expecting others to pay for her drinks.

It's funny how almost any issue anyone now has, and there'll be a run on "it's probably not their fault they're neurodiverse" - with not a shred of evidence. It's actually really insulting to neurodiverse people - there are such things as freeloaders, lazy people, scammers, etc., etc.

I don't want to minimise the challenges that some neurodiverse people face. Or the difficulty in getting support. But it isn't the "go to" excuse for bad behaviour. If one is aware enough to turn up to the pub with no money to freeload drinks, or for dinner that you weren't invited to, those are choices. One could make other choices. If you want food and drinks, stick at a job. If you are struggling doing that, seek help. Tell your friends and let them help you.

Maybe there's a good reason. Maybe there isn't. But freeloading is never a good look. She's young yet. But it doesn't get to be a better look as one gets older.

ghostyslovesheets · 10/11/2023 18:29

LakeTiticaca · 10/11/2023 18:09

I remember the days when if people turned down suitable employment their benefits would be withdrawn. Surprising how fast they would take up a job with the threat of no hand outs!!

You are - you are unable to sign on if you voluntarily leave a job and you are sanctioned quiet heavily for not applying for enough jobs, missing interviews, not attending compulsory interviews with DWP etc - this story is fishier than a mermaids bra

x2boys · 10/11/2023 18:36

benefitsterrified · 10/11/2023 15:42

She could have undiagnosed (or diagnosed but you don't know) MH issues, or have ADHD or ASD.

Or she might just be lazy ,some people are, not everyone will.have undiagnosed ADHD,ASD ,some people are just bone idle

BlueGrey1 · 10/11/2023 18:56

It has to have something to do with her upbringing, ( or people she is surrounded with) as her mother has said she is a taker in life but how did she get it into her head that this is an acceptable way to live and that it is even possible to have any quality of life living like this long term…...she also also sounds spoilt.

I would take an awful lot to change the attitude of someone like this unfortunately, I suspect she has already decided to take the easy route, she will probably have a couple of children quite soon and then get more benefits

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