AIBU to consider ending a marriage that's not TERRIBLE?

[Lucyinthemiddle]

My very long marriage is making me sad.
We've been together since we were 19. Two kids ages 7 and 9. Now 44.

We just don't really have a loving relationship any more, We can come and go in the house and barely speak. We don't really chat and have a laugh.

He's got depression, long term.
I feel this sadness that I don't have a fun warm relationship. But I think it's gone so far I don't know I can get the feelings back.

But im so frightened to look back with sadness and regret.

I seem to phase through feeling like this then just getting on with it for a few months, then plunging back in to it.

Aibu to consider ending all I've ever known in the hope of finding a bit more?
Or am I being totally ridiculous?

You can end any relationship for any reason, it doesn’t have to be terrible for it to be in your best interests to get out of it.

That said, there’s a lot at stake here. Would you consider seeing a couple’s counsellor?

I would, im
Not sure if it would help though.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? People end relationships for all sorts of reasons. If your not happy then your not happy.

Is he getting any treatment for the depression?

I literally could have written this myself I am in exactly the same position, kids are even the same age. I can’t offer any advice but you are not alone

I don't think its a good idea to end a long stale but tolerable marriage for the possibility of something better, no. Unless you're pretty confident you will find something better (lots of options/alternative already on the cards) it's a huge gamble.

If you want to end your marriage (and I don't blame you. Living with a partner's depression can feel like living with the lights off and the curtains drawn while the party goes on for everyone else) then do it because you think you will be happier single. Don't do it if your only reason is to chase a fantasy of a perfect relationship.

I don't think its a good idea to end a long stale but tolerable marriage for the possibility of something better, no. Unless you're pretty confident you will find something better (lots of options/alternative already on the cards) it's a huge gamble

Agree with this. Prepare yourself for what post marriage looks like, lots of positives for being single and you'll find debates in MN about the benefits BUT there are downsides, including sharing time with your children and financial struggles of running a household solo.

Don't assume you will meet someone else.Lewve because being single is better than being married to your husband

I have been told depression is a selfish disorder + its catching. I think its true. When your OH sucks the joy out of life, all day, every day, + is a downer on all actvities, it can be very tough to see that joy yourself. I think your daydreaming about whether there is something better out there shows that you really need to escape your negative living situation before your mental health is affected too. Like others have said, its not healthy to focus on the what ifs of a new partner. A fairer comparison is to the what ifs of single life, as thats a truer reflection of life if you leave.
I have been in your shoes. Also a long relationshio from fairly young. I didn't leave because I thought I married him in sickness + in health. I tried to give him time + lived hope it would ease. After a few years, his depression has lifted + he came off the drugs. But he is a changed man + not the man I married. Little flickers of his old self have returned, but he has stayed selfish + disengaged from the family.
Personally, I think my OH's depression was probably because he was fundamentally unhappy in his life; with me, his dead end job + his life revolving around our kids. Possibly also a mid life crisis, feeling unfullfilled + realisation he is no longer young + free. You haven't said what may have triggered the depression in your OH. If its unclear, I suggest you consider if it could be these reasons. If in your list of reasons for staying there is a lot of hope that he will get better, I just want to highlight that depression also means unhappy + there is no guarantee he will be the same man again.

We just don't really have a loving relationship any more, We can come and go in the house and barely speak. We don't really chat and have a laugh.

Honestly, that does sound pretty terrible to me! Just because he's not abusive, that doesn't mean it's not bad enough to justify separation. I know that divorce is a huge decision and the grass isn't aways greener, but I don't think I could tolerate a marriage with no affection, laughter or even conversation.

Whilst it sounds horrible and not something I'd live with longer term, have you both tried to fix the relationship through talking, date nights, a night away, therapy? I think I'd only walk away knowing I did everything I could to try and repair it. Even if your suggestions fall on deaf ears at least you know that you had good intentions.