Was anyone blamed for being abandoned?

[Mooshamoo]

My parents were divorced when I was very young. My mother with me and my brother to a different country. Where she was from. It was not far away. It was the next country.

When I was a teenager my father met a new woman. He sent me and my brother a letter saying that he did not want to see me and my brother again. He also never gave us Amy money so we were dirt poor. I just couldn't believe that he really meant it and i spent years writing to him asking him to change his mind, to see me. I just couldn't understand.

My father cutting Mr and my brother off meant that me and my brother ended up and having really terrible lives. With a lot of struggle and sufferingh.

wen I was in my late twenties I went over to visit a cousin on my father's side of the family. It was shocking to me. They blamed me! My father cutting me and my brother off had meant that me and my brother had really awful impoverished lives, full of poverty.

yet my dad's family blamed me. They were all horrible to me. They told me it was my fault that my father wouldn't see me because I had apparantly been nasty to my dad when I was a teenager. Which made no sense. Because I dont remember writing one. And b) if an adult man abandons his children, it is always the adult's fault, it is never the child's fault.

If I knew there was a girl, and I knew her dad was refusing to see her, there is no way I would go up to her and say "hey it's your fault your dad abandoned you, because you were nasty to him when you were a child". Like they blamed the child! Me!

I just couldn't believe them. Still to this day , they seem absolutely convinced that me and my brother are the bad people who upset our father. Because they say we were nasty to my dad when we were teenagers.

They don't see that my dad abandoning us , caused us to have terrible lives full of struggle and poverty.

I just can't understand this at all.
Is it victim blaming. Is it them seeing what they want to see. That they don't want to see that a man walked away from his kids. It's just shocking to me.

No matter what I say, they are absolutely convinced that I am the bad person that upset my father when I was a teenager.

The injustice of this eats away at me.

How could people blame the child?

Sorry op. In my opinion you are right, your dad is in the wrong. It’s terrible that you were left impoverished by him.
He sounds toxic though, as do his family. Perhaps him not being in your life growing up was a (sad & painful no doubt) blessing. You mum clearly felt you needed to be far away from him. Has she told you much about the reasons for the separation?

I'm sorry for your experiences, OP. Of course you are entirely right that no child deserves to be abandoned by their parent (and nothing your father might attempt to claim you did as teenagers could somehow justify it).

Apparently your father's family are extremely similar to him! There is probably also an element to their behaviour of trying to avoid looking at their own actions - the narrative that you are in the wrong and he is the victim conveniently absolves them of any responsibility towards your younger self (and yourself now) as your extended family.

If I were you I would cut contact with the lot of them and pursue some individual therapy as an outlet to process my feelings.

Yes i feel like they see what they want to see. They see something they is more easy for them to see.

They see :you were rude to your father when you were kids so he walked away.

They dont want to see: your father abandoning you left you in horrific circumstances. And we also ignored you while you were in horrific circumstances.

We were in such poverty that both me and my brother lived in emergency accommodation, like a homeless shelter, at different times when we were young.

Still when I went over, all I heard was "your poor father was so stressed and upset, you were so bad to him when you were young".

I did point out to my cousin that this makes absolutelty no sense. I said to her ",you're saying I wrote my dad a bad letter when I was a young teenager. And that made me cut me off for my entire life". That makes no sense. I was a teenager!

It just kills me. It's so cruel. We lived in such terrible horrendous struggle cuz my dad abandoned me
Then I went over and I got blamed for being abandoned.

That should say "that made him cut me off for my entire life"

It's just heartless.

And the worst thing is , I think they do know the truth - that my dad abandoned us. And they don't care. And they blamed me because it's easier for them

My dads family have to live near and socialise with my dad and his girlfriend. They don't live near me.

So it is easier and more convenient for them to blame me, then to tell my dad he is wrong. I guess

My father cutting Mr and my brother off meant that me and my brother ended up and having really terrible lives. With a lot of struggle and sufferingh.

What about your mum?

My dad never paid any maintenance when we were growing up. My mum was there with us. She worked. But we always struggled with money. Rent was huge and her salary wasn't high. And she would get behind on the rent sometimes. So at times all three of us ended up in emergency accommodation , between houses she could find and rent

We had such a bad upbringing , full of struggle.

I can just about deal with that

But then to go over and be blamed for being abandoned on top of it. It's so heartless and cruel.

None of my dad's family gave a shit that we were living in emergency accommodation. They all had nice lives. My dad went on three holidays a year with his girlfriend. My uncles family had great jobs, nice house.

I just cannot begin to understand them. How cold they are.

It sounds like both your dad and your dad's family have selfish, mean-spirited, irresponsible values. You are absolutely better off without any of them. You spent your childhood separate from them and as a result, you have grown up to be a decent person with kindness and humanity.

Don't contact them again. It is better for you to build a happy loving life of your own. Don't look back, don't give them another thought. They are not worthy of your time.

I had an equally nasty dad, and I honestly don't think of him from one year to the next. I live my life to infinitely better standards, and he is simply irrelevant.

Look forward, not back, and spend your effort building a good life for you and your children. And be proud of what you achieve. That is what matters now. xx

I lost my brother when I was 7 years old, he was only 18 months old this really affected my mum she ended up in secure pyscatric hospital up country. I didn't see her for many years my dad was away visiting my mum alot so was left with a so called friend of the family. My mum came home just before my 16th birthday I told my mum what was happening. After my abuser was sent to prison my life got out of control.

Drugs prison, sex addiction, failed relationships a few years later I lost my mum to stage 3c ovarian cancer and my dad passed away 3 years ago, it's taken me years and years of intensive therapy to improve my life. It's not been easy but now I have a good relationship with my son my own flat stable job and my parents would be proud of me I still have to have regular counselling due to ptsd my relationship with men has been serverly affected I don't trust them even to this day.

I don't blame my parents for my upbringing mental health happens there is a lot I would have done different coping with the abuse, whatever has happened in your childhood, of course it will always be there but learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself x

They sound mental. Steer clear.

You can see that this family has no hope of producing anything but cruel, self-serving, loathsome, narcissistic people like your father. They are the tree, and he is the apple that fell from it.

He is wrong, and so are all of his family. You didn't deserve to be rejected and abandoned by him. He probably did it to spite and punish your mother for divorcing him. His claim of being badly treated is patently false.

Look up malignant narcissism. You'll recognise your father.

They just don't want to accept reality because it reflects badly on all of them. They want to shift blame so that they can pretend to be decent people, they are not, their story is illogical. They are nasty people, give up on them.

OP, move forward with dignity. Hold your head high & nurture the relationships you have with those who are truly there for you. It sounds like you have a team in your mum & brother?
Therapy will also be helpful.

Your father & his family do not deserve any more of your time. Deep down they must know the truth, but they are unlikely to admit to it so you won’t achieve anything positive by trying to get an apology or recognition from them.

You’re better off without them OP, although I know it may not always seem like that. sending love to you. I can’t imagine how horrible that conversation must have made you feel.

I also don’t understand why there’s at least one person who voted that you’re being unreasonable? It shows 3% think you’re BU. Wtf.

They all sound like the type of people who will never accept they're wrong, no matter how obvious it is that they are very definitely in the wrong. I'm sure you want them to understand the reality, and what it was like for you, but they will never accept it, all you can do is cut them all out of your life forever. I'm so sorry.

He didn't want the responsibility of fatherhood when he left and he still doesn't want it now. He s a prickand he is enabled by the wider family.