How to help my friend who’s fallen out of love?

[Tiredbanks]

A friend of mine is going through what seems to be a quasi-break up and I’m struggling to understand how to help her.

She’s been saying for a while that things just don’t seem right and she can’t see herself marrying him (they’ve been together 2 years). She keeps talking to him about it but he manages to talk her round.

I’m struggling re how to advise her as my break-ups have always been clear cut (someone’s cheated, etc).

Can anyone help me understand what it feels like to be in this position? I find myself losing patience with her because I can’t understand why she doesn’t just pack her stuff and go.

Has she asked for your advice? Kindly, it's not your problem or relationship to fix, it sounds like she is still just working things through. She probably just wants a friend to lend an ear.

She tells me pretty much daily that she doesn’t know what to do and asks advice. I am really struggling to empathise though!

I find honesty best. If she can't see herself marrying him and I'm presuming having a future with this man. Then what's the point? She's just wasting everyone's time and prolonging her own misery. The partner though it will hurt him at first deserves to be with someone that wants a future with him. And so does she.

Have you told her you to pack her bags and go? That is advice that I would give a friend in this position.

The empathising is odd though- do you often struggle to empathise with friends if you have no direct experience of their situation?

I'd just advise her to leave and she can then do what she wants with that advice. She asked for an opinion so I'd give that one. Marriage is hard enough when you both adore each other, if her heart isnt really in it and he's having to persuade her to stay with him then I cant see how this can go the distance- especially when things become challenging or they go through a rough patch.

From what she’s said, she’s self-aware enough for the relationship to be over for her but she’s still working towards the act of leaving. She might even be craving your approval of her ending it, or some sort of validation because she feels bad.

Most of my break-ups have not been clear cut. I think it can be difficult in such situations (particularly if they happen a lot) to know what are normal levels of doubt, and if perhaps you are just someone who will always question relationships. I don’t think I’ve had a relationship that I haven’t questioned so it’s easy for me to think “oh it’s me, I will always be like this with everyone, I have issues with commitment et ” - and often as a result stay longer than I should do. It’s tough to end a relationship when you aren’t 100 percent sure that’s what you want to do, it’s easy to just give it a little more time - and of course you’ve generally got social/biological pressure too.

That being said, if she often seems to be quite certain that this is not right, I would encourage her to follow her gut and not allow herself to be talked round.

It is not you responsibility to help her. If she is saying the same thing to you daily then I would either give her advice and then when she does it again say you already gave her advice and that's the best you can do. Or not give her advice and say you can't meddle in her situation and would prefer if she didn't talk to you about it again.

I would also be impatient if she's asking for advice this much and not doing anything about it.

I would tell her that breakups don't have to be hostile, you don't need your partner to have wronged you. If she's fallen out of love, well that happens and it's a good enough reason to end the relationship. She needs to accept that she'll likely hurt his feelings and not let him talk her round.

I would also be impatient if she's asking for advice this much and not doing anything about it

I would too. At the end of the day, you can give advice but its her decision and she needs to be the one to make it. Its not up to you to make the decision for her and you cannot possibly take responsibility for that. If you really dont feel comfortable offering advice then just say "I really cant advise you what to do as this is a big decision and it needs to come from you. I will support you in whatever you decide". Then leave it at that. It sounds like she's insecure and basically wants you to tell her what to do which you absolutely cant.

Well, just say that then and keep repeating it. Either they sort things out between them or they don't. Not your job to advise and you can't make her do anything. I'd resign from feeling responsible for any if that. Cheer her on but accept you can't make her leave, and try to stop getting frustrated by other people's business. Doesn't sound very useful.

Perhaps suggest she speaks to a relationship counsellor to help her clarify her thoughts if not done so already. It's hard leaving a "good" person for fear of making a mistake, that it doesn't get better than this, that Mr Right doesn't exist etc. Esp if she's at an age she wants children and/or this is a recurring theme for her.

Ultimately she needs to make up her mind.

I don’t know ages. But you could advice on timescales!

I’ve a friend who wanted marriage & children. Her partner didn’t. SHE played backwards & forwards in her mind for years. She nearly left him at 5 years. She finally did at 10 years, & then hit early menopause.

but as her friend I offered to support her decision (including offering somewhere to live!) but couldn’t tell her what to do, she had to be ready her self emotionally.

my advice to you as a friend would be to ask how she feels about upsetting her partner & possibly never seeing him again. If that overwhelms her with grief over a period of time, she’s not necessarily ready to end things! If she’s not fussed, then she probably is!

see if she can work out if she’s in love! Or is she just comfortable and bored. What’s she missing?

All you can really do is listen and offer a shoulder to cry on whatever happens. You can encourage her to be true to herself / listen to her gut.