Second thoughts on relationship breakup

[dgrad21]

Hi everyone.

Please bare with me, as this will be a long one. I have been on mumsnet for years but have name changed for this.

I have been with my current partner for a long time, almost 10 years. We have always been up and down and had lots of issues, but the last year since we have lived together it has gotten a lot worse. He doesn't do much around the house, speaks to me like crap, he has got physical a couple of times (not punched me or anything but dragged me around a bit that sort of thing). There's plenty more but that's sort of the gist of things. I have been slowly getting my ducks in a row and making plans to leave and now it's actually a reality (I have found somewhere to move to) I don't know I feel like I'm having second thoughts. He doesn't know I have found somewhere, but he has been almost a perfect partner for the past four weeks, like he's turned a corner. He's behaved exactly how I have been begging him to behave since I moved in. I don't know - I just feel sad that it's ending and that maybe it could work. I am torn. I don't know what to do. There are two children involved too, I don't want to turn their lives upside down but I have been absolutely miserable for the majority of our time living together, to the extent that I have even been put on medication.

So I think my question is really AIBU to be leaving? Should I give it more time?

I don't really know what I'm trying to achieve posting here, I think I just want someone to tell me what's the best thing to do and I know it's down to me really.

You absolutely should be leaving.

He has shown you exactly who he is - this relationship is abusive at worst and toxic at best, it will be damaging your children.

I am suspicious that he is acting nicely just before you are about to leave - are you certain he has. I idea you were planning to go?

If you stay, he will revert back to his normal behaviour. Peace and happiness are within reach for you, it’s normal to have doubts but you are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your children x

Yes you should leave. He’s so abusive that you are on medication to cope.
Plus you need to show the kids that his behaviour is unacceptable. He won’t be able to keep up the pretence, he’ll be back to his usual self soon.

Leaving an abusive relationship is so hard, no one can really understand how difficult it can be until they've been in that situation themselves. Well done for doing everything you've done, it's huge and brave and frightening. He has probably sensed the change in you, hence his own change in behaviour. He's realised his grip on you is loosening so is trying to keep you. Don't fall for it.

Yes you do need to follow through and leave. This last step is the hardest but I promise you, you will feel so light and free once you're away from him. It's like a huge, dark weight suddenly falling from you. You'll feel like you've been holding your breath for years and can suddenly breathe again.

You have to muster the last of your strength and go. Do it for your children if you can't do it for yourself, being raised in the midst of an abusive relationship can do them so much harm.

Good luck, you can do it.

He doesn't know I have found somewhere, but he has been almost a perfect partner for the past four weeks, like he's turned a corner. He's behaved exactly how I have been begging him to behave since I moved in.

For ten years he had been horrible, you now have a place to stay and suddenly, he is being the perfect partner.

This says to me that he could have been the perfect partner all along but didn't choose to be until now.

He might know know for sure that you now have options. He is responding to something perhaps unconsciously. Don't let yourself be robbed off by someone who is only decent when he thinks you can get away from him.

Be with someone who wants to be decent.

One of the things that makes getting away so difficult is exactly because you are being played. They give out just enough to keep you around. You have a choice now.

Don't go back to about.

I appreciate that it's all too easy to say LTB but honestly. You have been in survival mode for a long time thanks to his behaviour. Get yourself away and you will start to see just how bad it has been. All the best

Good behaviour of 4 weeks doesn’t counteract the last year. It’s your choice but I do have a huge feeling you will regret it if you don’t leave.