To be worried about DS in new school

[TooManyChangesTooSoon]

We had to move from countryside to city two months into P1. Bummer for DS who had made a couple of friends at tiny school he was at. He is a friendly child, but sensitive and takes time to make deep connections. Now he has started at huge city school (think three/four P1 classes with 25 kids in each class) and after two weeks he still only knows the names of a few of the other kids. He says he doesn't play with anyone at break time. He comes home telling stories of how some of the others didn't want to play with him. It is breaking my heart. I have mentioned this to his teacher, but she seems to think that he has settled in really well.

I am not super social myself and I don't know any of the other mums at school, so I am really not sure how best to support him or how best to teach him how to make friends or join new groups.

AIBU for being worried? Should I just lean back and relax and hope it will sort itself out within a few months?

I think you need to give it a little longer before panicking! It’s only been 2 weeks. Some children just take a little longer to settle and find the people who suit them best.
If his teacher thinks he’s doing ok in the circumstances then I’d just be encouraging him to keep chatting to different people, join in when he’s asked and speak up to the teacher if he’s worried or feeling left out. If, by Xmas you’re still worried that he’s not really found a group then go back to school and ask what they can do.
I wouldn’t make too a big a deal about it unless he raises it himself. Don’t keep on asking ‘who did you play with’ ‘who are your friends’ … it just puts on more pressure and makes him hyper aware.

@Smartiepants79 thanks. good point about not asking him 'who did you play with' and 'who are your friends', but it is so hard not to. I am not very good at acting cool when that it what I really want to know about his day.

With only 25 in a class, the other 75 will be ships in the night. My DDs went to school with 3x30 in a year group. So he must be working with other dc. Sitting next to other dc. Encourage him to talk to them and could you ask Dc if any child would come and play if invited? Maybe be proactive? His teacher probably is seeing him settled in class.

Do they not play football at lunch break or do other collaborative games? Ask how he can join in. Have you asked what policies they have for Dc who need to find someone to play with? Often a play supervisor will have strategies for this. Can his teacher monitor him at lunchtime? DDs teacher did this for a bit. She was joining in. Just not leading play all the time!

I just find that some children don’t even really recognise that they’re missing out until an adult points it out to them.
and at age 6 he doesn’t really need a ‘deep connection’ or best friend he just needs a few kids to chase round in the playground with. He’s a good age to get through this transition with relative ease. My guess would be that by Xmas it’ll be like he’s never been anywhere else.
If not, then speak to school.

Oh, and small children never tell you anything about their day! 😆

YANBU. Being the new kid when everyone else has established their friendship groups can be really hard. Lots of mums will sag “He’ll be fine” but that doesn’t actually help clearly he isn’t fine now.

The school won’t care as long as his work is good UNLESS you make them care by raising concerns. Did they give him a buddy to show him round? Has he missed all the bonding activities? Are there any small group clubs he can join? Ask the school how they can help.

Oh I misread and thought he had started secondary school!! Ignore what I said and instead volunteer as much as you can with the school, network with the other mums be relentlessly helpful and friendly to everyone and then they nce you knownpeople a bit, ask persistently for playdates for your child. Make those playdates epic fun. Make your son the fun kid with the fun house and the fun mum and his friends will follow.

@Saffrom he has missed all the bonding activities. I have got myself on the parent chat group and have briefly talked to one of the other mum's about a playdate. There wasn't much connection between her ds and my ds, but it might be worth trying anyway

@Saffrom I love your suggestions, but I am not sure I could ever be the fun mum, even if I tried.

@Smartiepants79 that is good to know. DS tells me NOTHING

@TizerorFizz good idea, I will ask about a play supervisor. I have asked about the buddy system, which doesn't really seem to have happened at all

You could ask him what his favourite part of the day was/did anything make him feel excited/what activities did he do or something along those lines. It opens the chat up for what’s important to him while sneakily satisfying your very understable mum need to find out about friends/playtime etc.

@StaleCrumbs thanks. I have been doing a bit of 'did anyone do something funny today' kind of questions. Your suggestions are good. I will try them out tomorrow

2 weeks is early,,, but I would be getting chatting to those other mums and arranging to meet up one to one. All the excitement of Christmas in school should hopefully help as well.

Please don’t worry, he will find his feet. Give it another month and then ask the teacher again. Think about play dates as well at some point but no need to rush.
for what it’s worth my 6yo says he played with nobody fairly often.. despite having lots of friends and being popular! Sometimes he says it to make me feel sorry for him I think 🤔

thanks @WillowCraft and @DGPP. I really appreciate your encouragement

@TooManyChangesTooSoon You don’t have to be a “fun mum” or do anything epic but try and find a way to connect with others. You could help with a pta event.Christmas is coming up so is there anything organised for Dc that you could help with? In a small way. This gets you in a position to chat to other mums.

Frequently other dc haven’t found mates either. I have noticed many Dc have friends found by their mums via their friendships. Dc then don’t bother because friends are pre ordained. To break in, you and he need to find your tribe. They will be there but don’t expect Dc to have a best friend. It’s not desirable anyway. What if the best friend moves away? You left your first community so it’s better Dc have plenty of friends to run around with.

Sorry to pick up on this thread again and thanks so much to those of you who are reading and commenting. So this week, my DS came home on Monday and again today saying that one of the other boys from his class has been hitting him and chasing him at break time. On Monday the other boy was pushing DS and told him to stay in a particular spot for the rest of the day. At first I thought that perhaps it was just playfighting that had gotten out of hand (apparently DS had been fighting back), but today it sounded like this other boy was targeting DS even after DS asked him to stop. It sounds like teachers at breaktime thought that it was just for fun, but DS did not enjoy it. He has been having nightmares for the last three nights. It may just be all of the new school situation, but he is usually a good and calm sleeper and nightmares several days in a row is unlike him. So, I will chat with his teacher tomorrow and ask her to keep an eye on what is happening. I have also asked DS to tell an adult if some is doing something to him that he does not like. I know it is early days, and 5 year olds are not exactly the most reliable conveyors of the truth, but it really does frustrate me. What would you do?

My friends kids were constantly telling their mums they hadn't played with anyone etc. Turns out usually they stood for 3 mins before playing with someone. At the moment take it with a pinch of salt