Money matters

[Sparkle721]

Me and DH have been married 20 years. When we first met, he had debt problems which I sorted out for him (I didn’t pay them off but I ensured over 12-18 month he became debt free).

We got married and pooled our salaries and over the years this has worked fine - I manage the money/bills/spending and he just buys what he wants when he wants.

We both have good jobs but I earn a lot more than him, we have 2 DC who always need something.

This year we have spent a lot of money on an extension and probably because of the cost of living crisis, I have noticed more and more just how much he is spending and I am getting more and more frustrated.

He is great with the kids and does his fair share around the house but he is spending so much money on cigarettes and alcohol that I am starting to become resentful - he also hides this and will go outside to do both so I never actually see him smoke or drink. I’ve tried to support in getting him to try vaping instead but that lasted about a week.

I don’t do either but I do have things that I get done like my nails and hair but I am spending at least half of what he is a month.

I’ve tried talking to him about it, put it in different ways but he just walks away or won’t enter into a conversation about it.

I’ve thought about splitting our money back out (fairly) and having a pot for bills and then the rest is his to do with what he wants and my money becomes my money but am terrified that he will end up in debt again and also then don’t see a way through on how we pay for things like Christmas or the dentist or stuff that needs doing on the house.

Dont get me wrong he doesn’t buy clothes and loads of lavish gifts for himself but I feel his smoking and drinking is getting out of hand but he just won’t admit it.

AIBU feeling like this because I know it’s our money but it’s getting to me how much he is spending and thinking that it’s ok when I don’t think it is. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

What are the actual figures involved as a percentage of your family pot? Have you said anything to him yet? Do you think he is aware or not?

He is aware, only last week I said to him how can a loaf of bread cost £30 (because he had said he was going to get some bread) and he said cos he was ‘stocking up’ on cigs but I called him out because the day before he had spent £14 on them in a different shop - I kinda just get a shrug. Hes spending roughly 40% of what we have left over and with my spending on top that doesn’t leave a lot left over for saving or anything else 🤷🏼‍♀️which I just don’t think is fair.

I’ve tried to have the conversation about how much he is spending and he just won’t talk about it.

I'd split monies again, I wouldn't worry about him getting into debt that was 20 years ago, he's been 20 years debt free so might not be like he used to be. But tell him you want split finances because its frustrating you too much, whereas if he has his own it's up to him what he wants to waste it on.

Rather than entirely splitting you can have an agreed budget for personal spends and then agree what is in scope of personal spends. Weve done this for decades and it works really well.

It works well if you stick to the budget. Sounds like currently, the DH is spending nearly half of the money that doesn't go on regular monthly bills, food, travel etc.

If they try and work to a fair budget, the amount he'll have available to spend will be significantly reduced by what they need to put aside for annual and irregular essentials like dental costs (plus likely a whole lot of other things like insurance, car repairs etc). Plus if they then split what's left 50/50 instead of him taking twice as much as the OP.

So is it realistic that he'll stop spending when the money runs out, or will he start dipping into the bills and savings account, pestering the OP for some of her money 'because he's skint and she's got loads spare' or getting into overdraft/credit card debt?

What happens if you move savings at the start of the month rather than what’s left at the end? Would he let you go over drawn or expect to move money from savings back into the current account.

to be honest join accounts only work if you can both have open and respectful conversations about money. The fact that he won’t do this and just spends as he sees fit makes me think you would be better with separate finances. I suspect on separate finances though you would find he just spends as he wishes and you get left with an ultimatum of more money, paying his balances off out of savings or him getting into debt.

We have three separate current accounts, one each for our own spends and one for joint. Could you set this up, and once the personal spends is gone, it’s gone.

and hide the joint account cards, so he can’t just add personal stuff

And we also move money to savings at the beginning of the month, so we only keep what we need in the bills/food/petrol/kid stuff account
this is so we get the maximum interest we can, but it also works to stop random spending on stuff we don’t need

How much money does he have as 'spends' per month, and how much do you have?

Would he agree to a set discretionary amount for each of you, allowing for a chunk to go into savings too, and once it's spent there's no more?

He's spending 40% of your left over money on fags and booze?!?!?! WTAF?!?! What a selfish prick!

Without a doubt I would be splitting your money. BUT... into the joint account I would budget for mortgage, bills, food, petrol, kids activities and clothes, birthdays, christmas and holidays. Work out how much that will cost in a year then it'll give you a monthly amount that needs to go into the joint account. Whatever is left you get half each to spend on what you like.

If he gets into debt then I'd be leaving him as someone who puts his own needs before his children's needs is pathetic.

I'd be talking to him that things have to change as the extension means you'll now both have to tighten your belts for a while. Put £X into joint exclusively for bills, groceries, etc. Have a second joint account for stuff like Xmas, dentist, opticians, a savings account then 2 personal accounts where you both have your own as spends but out of that you'll need to pay for personal mobiles, lunches out, drinks, cigarettes, gifts for each other.

DH and I have a joint account that we both pay an equal amount into and a joint savings account we transfer what's left at end of month from our joint account into. Then we both have personal accounts that our salary goes into and we use for personal spends. We have a roughly equal income. DH spends most of his spends each week I'm not even sure on what half of the time, and he doesn't smoke, whereas I save a lot of mine as I'm not an extravagant sort of person and then I gift to DC twice a year too. If we go on holiday we pay half each DH either saves up his half or else he puts some on his credit card and then pays it off over a few months after we get back. We generally pay credit cards off every month. I'd find it tiresome having to worry about how another adult sorts their spending out all the time.

I think I'd end up having a falling out with DH if he was drinking excessively as I'd be worried for his health especially if a smoker too.

I would definitely split finances. You will need to work out the annual budget which includes things like Christmas, holidays, medical and house stuff and allocate money to it every month into a separate account.
We have split finances and it works very well. My dental and car bills are my own and don't come out of joint account. My other half is also a big spender but if he runs out of money to get his car fixed up, it's on him to budget better and I don't involve myself in his expenses in any way. On a rare occasion when he needs to "borrow" money from me, I take it out of my next month's contributions towards household pot.