about sleeping patterns

[dortmund]

Our toddler usually wakes up twice a night, we change her nappy and give her a bottle of milk and she usually goes back to sleep straight away with minimal crying. Compared to many I feel we're very lucky. The typical times she might get up varies but say about midnight and about 4am.

On his nights, DH has now started waking her up before he goes to bed (about 11pm) and changing and giving her a bottle then, in the hope that means not being woken up twice a night. It seems to have varied success, sometimes meaning only one wake-up, but other times she seems more unsettled the rest of the night (in my opinion at least, he disputes this).

I'm basically worried this "waking her up to suit us" thing is going to mess up her sleep routine as it interrupts her sleep cycles etc. He didn't discuss it with me in advance, he just started doing it. Now I would like him to stop doing it but he's basically saying I'm making a fuss about nothing and we need our rest too. In your experience, do I have any reason to be concerned about his new approach? Or am I being unreasonable?

Ideally you'd go with her natural timings. However they change all the time, colds, teething, growth spurts and their sleep patterns go out of the window. It isn't worth having arguments over. Monitor if she really is more unsettled and then revisit it.

I feel for you with the wake ups. I have a 3 year old who is currently waking up more than my 3 week old 🤪we’ve had so much trouble with his sleeping and resorted to a sleep consultant for him in the end.
the first thing I think you need to establish is why is she waking up. You say you change her and then give her a bottle. If she is eating enough in the day, she shouldn’t be hungry at night and need milk. If she is drinking from a baby bottle this sounds like comfort rather than hunger. Then I imagine you change her as she would be too wet after the bottle?
we had this with our son when he was one - ut was comfort not hunger and we cut out the bottles in the night. Instead we comforted him from his cot shhing stroking his back and supporting him to sleep. I’m only going by my experience and guidance I received but I think the take away is that she shouldn’t need milk during the night.
sorry I haven’t helped with the husband waking her problem but I’d absolutely stop that if I could and think that is doing more harm than good - above all it must be horrible to be woken up from a sleep. Good luck @dortmund let us know how you get on.

Could you encourage him to give the bottle (dream feed style) but not change the nappy? Hopefully disturbing her less?

I have a bit of sympathy with your husband as I'd find waking twice a night really tough. But perhaps you can switch around who deals with the wakes so that he gets at least one entirely uninterrupted night's sleep per week (and so do you!)

How old is your child? A toddler shouldn't need a bottle during the night so instead of a dream feed I would be trying to get them off the bottle.

Thanks for your comments, so maybe it's not so bad... And if so, it would improve my sleep too on my nights!

She's 18 months old. Both bedtime and naptime we put her in the cot with a bottle of milk, she drinks it herself then goes to sleep. When she wakes in the night we change her nappy as it's normally wet, then put her back in the cot with a bottle of milk, which helps get her back to sleep. So it probably is comfort not hunger, but we don't provide other comfort, if she cries in bed we don't take her out or interact with her, we avoid eye contact and if not give her a bottle of milk we just put a dummy back in her mouth, then leave her. And it works very well with few exceptions, she goes to sleep with little support. But it does feel like the whole system is reliant on the milk. So how we wean her off the milk, I have no idea...

Scheduled waking is an evidence-based way of reducing night wakingsin young children with no known negative side effects.

It should be a joint decision.

But we (both of us) would have done the same as your husband.

I would stop the bottles in the cot. It's bad for her teeth and it's going to keep her waking up for ages. Being woken up twice each night is hard! And really not necessary at 18 months. You could try reducing the amount over several nights and thereafter offer water, or just a dummy. Or try stacking which means offer something else alongside the milk such as a soft toy and then eventually stop offering the milk but keep the toy.
You would need to be consistent with this at bedtime and during the night. You can get away with doing naptime differently.

Is the nappy really wet or just a faint blue line? We don't usually change our DD's nappy during the night, so maybe you don't need to? Obviously though if it's heavy you wouldn't want her to be uncomfortable. Our DD doesn't have a bottle during the night though so might be weeing less!

Back to your husband's method: Can understand you'd have preferred him to talk about it with you first, but I suppose from his perpective he might not agree with your current approach either and wish you'd do it his way! So unless you think it's really harmful - which you could explain to him - maybe better to let him get on with it!

Hard sometimes to draw the line of knowing how much to interfere in our husband's parenting... we want them to share the mental load but equally I think still feel like we know best sometimes! I do try not to interfere with what my husband is doing unless I think it's really bad, because it's good for him to take equal-ish responsibility and be "allowed" to figure things out and take decisions. Your situation is tricky as it seems like you are worried that "scheduled" waking is harmful... although in my option if he's figured out a way to get you all more sleep (and it doesn't seem to be making your DD unhappy), I think that sounds like a good thing. Your sleep is important too!

She shouldn't be having bottles at that age. I haven't woken my daughter to change a nappy since she was 3 months old and she sleeps through. The milk is a habit not a necessity.